Thursday, February 21, 2008

Bitterly sweet

Before Oscar's birth, I was an avid reader. I probably read a 300-500 page novel or non-fiction book in about a week, maybe 10 days if it was a real thinker. I love modern fiction and classic fiction and book about history and books about people's lives and science fiction and short stories. I have always loved reading.

When I became pregnant, I read a lot of pregnancy books, breastfeeding books, birth books, books with themes of mothers and mothering. Towards the end of my pregnancy I had trouble really reading anything that required though so I read some light fiction. Since Oscar has been born, I've read a few books, nothing earth-shattering. Mostly light reads, and mostly in his earlier months, when he and I both spent a lot of time lying in the bed, nursing and napping all day long.

But now that Oscar is older and requires a lot more of my time and attention to keep him entertained, and plus I have Danny three times a week, I don't have much time for reading. In fact, I've been reading the same book for going on four months. Never in my life has it taken me four months to finish any book. Generally, if a book takes me longer than two weeks, it is because it sucks and I don't really like it, but I have this issue where I think all books that are started deserve to be finished.

So I've been reading Suite Francaise for months, and I LOVE it. The phrase "hauntingly beautiful" was invented only to describe this book. I love it so much and I can only dedicate a few minutes here and there to reading. I'm about 2/3s of the way through it (finally), but I haven't read a word in two weeks! It is killing me. I used to read on the metro, after work, before bed. Now I can only read during naps and after Oscar's bedtime. That is if both boys are napping at the same time, when laundry or dishes do not need to be done, when dinner or baby food do not need to be made, when toys do not need to be picked up and disinfected when animals do not need to be watered and fed, when I'm not blogging, when I don't need a shower or a nap myself or the like 100,000 other things I've got to get done. Oh, and somewhere in there I need to watch a few minutes of CNN so I can be somewhat informed, have at least one real conversation with my husband. So I think that leaves me with -30 minutes to read a week.

What I'm saying (besides that I really want to finish my damn book) is that I have very little "me" time. Now, to be honest: this post just turned into a rant about how Nelson does not help me as much as I need him to and how he must be asked to to the simplest of chores even when it is obvious that they need to be done and I literally do not have time in the day to get them done. Oh, it was angry and nasty. But I deleted all of that (three whole paragraphs) in favor of this:

My life is crazy, insanely busy and there is barely enough time in the day for me to pee, let alone read a book. And I love every second of it, and my husband, too. I'll finish it later.

1 comment:

Susanica said...

Hi Jenni. I just now read this post and your previous one too. I know what you mean about the reading time issue. We still read before bedtime and I have time on the train to read, but life has definitely changed in that regard. How I love the morning newspaper, but then I feel guilty when little Danny is sitting all by his lonesome clapping his little toys together. So I don't read as much in the am as I used to. And I don't regret it. But I miss it.

And I just wanted to point out that Susanne and I so appreciate the hard work that you do taking care of Danny along with Oscar. It is work. Hard work. But society can't seem to figure out how to value it. As always you raise very interesting issues.

Oh, but when you're in your 40s you'll be young. Real young ;-) Just had to throw that in. Have a great day! -Monica