Monday, May 5, 2008


When you first have your baby, it's a tiny little poop-pee-sleep-cry machine, and you love it more than you ever dreamed possible.

Then, after a few weeks, your new little person looks at you and smiles and you swear it is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen in your life.

Several more weeks pass. The smiles come more often, are more intentional, and you think it can't get better. Then, your baby laughs and it is the sweetest sound you could have imagined.

As the months march by, your baby will continue to amaze you his feats of brilliance and strength - he wave his rattle at you, he will roll over, he will sit without support, he will start playing with all sorts of toys.

And one day, when he's on the floor or in someone else's arms, he'll reach out to you and your heart will absolutely melt. He knows you, he needs you, he loves you.

I love Oscar so much I almost cannot put it into words. My love for him is monumental. It's staggering. It's breath-taking. It's epic. I can't even write about it without being overcome.

Early this morning, Nelson brought Oscar to bed for his morning nurse. He nursed and dozed a little, but was still half awake. He was making beautiful baby sounds as he tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable. First, he nuzzled in close, I was on my right side, he was on his left. Then, he rolled to his right side so his head rested on my breast and his body leaned up against me. He tossed back and forth from these positions for a while.

He turned quickly, so we were facing one another again, but he was much closer this time. His head was nestled against my heart and beneath my chin; his left leg was tucked beneath me and his right leg was thrown over me. I had him cradled with my right arm beneath his body and my left arm over top of him. We were so close you couldn't have slipped a hair in between us. And that is how we slept.

When Nelson came say good bye this morning, not it exactly the same position but still curled up together, he just kept saying, "He loves you so much. Look at how much he loves you." And it was this moment I realized Oscar really does love me. Not that I'd doubted it before, but I really, really FELT it for the very first time as something completely separate from his NEED for me. His love for me is one of the most fundamental parts of his being. He does not know life without this love. It makes him feel safe and comforted and he doesn't even realize it.

That is epic.


Stephanie said...

Now I'm crying...

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

Isn't it the best feeling in the world?

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Like a punch in the stomach...



Diana said...

Thanks for making my day! This was such a nice post to read.