I was going to write a post about how everything Oscar owns is covered in mac and cheese sauce, and how I can't seem to get it out. But I've decided to spare you this mindless detail of my life. Instead, I'll be treating you to another dose of my anxiety, which has reached pretty epic proportions.
So, there is this movie that released in the U.S. today called The Strangers. It's a horror movie. Totally not my bag, as I tend toward anxiety. It's also a horror movie that's not about the supernatural (which I find less scary) but about serial killers. There is almost nothing I find scarier than a serial killer movie (Halloween, Scream, Manhunt, Friday the 13th, Silence of the Lambs, American Psycho) because serial killers are real. They actually exist. There are not a lot of them, but there out there and I could be walking by one on the street and never even know it.
Back to The Strangers. Usually, when a serial killer movie preview comes on the TV, I change the station. Really, I can't even take the previews. And I did this with The Strangers several times, but was still totally freaked out by this movie. At the same time, I am totally obsessed with this movie. I seem to love scaring the crap out of myself.
So, I decided to watch the whole trailer online yesterday evening and that was a bad idea. I was more scared than ever. Then, I decided to look for the spoiler online because I often find that once I know the resolution to a serial killer movie, I find them less scary. Look at the list in the above paragraph. All the serial killers are caught, or killed, hence ending their reign of terror (except for Halloween and Friday the 13th, but they are also kind of a supernatural horror films.)
I found the spoiler. It did not assuage my fears. AT ALL. Crap.
My next move was more investigation. It's supposed to be based on actual events. Which events, you ask? The Manson Murders. So, of course I looked those up, and read testimony and saw crime scene photos (I stumbled on them and it was awful) but was relieved that those crazies are all in jail probably forever. However, I still felt pretty freaked that it had ever happened, and that it was so easy for them to commit these murders - it makes me feel completely vulnerable and unprotected.
Then I got freaked out and thought all this thinking about serial killers is totally bad karma for the Sprout so I stopped, which was a very good thing. But last night, I could not sleep a wink. I confessed to Nelson how I scared the crap out of myself, and then continued to scare the crap out of myself until I was so scared I was afraid to go to sleep because 1) someone could kill us all and 2) I might possibly have serial killer nightmares.
Nelson tried his best to calm me. He told me I should not worry about things I cannot control and focus on things I can control - taking care of myself and Oscar. He did some relaxation breathing exercises with me. He told me a riddle. He told me about Oscar's bath time. He made me laugh. I still couldn't sleep.
A few hours later, Oscar woke up. I told Nelson to bring him to the bed. I cuddled up to the Bean and instantly felt calmer. Being so close to Oscar reminded me that it is my job to protect him. I'm the Mama Bear, I've got to keep him safe, so I can't be all terrified of every creak and shadow. I have to be brave for him. I fell asleep.
Now, I'm not saying I won't be anxiety ridden when I go to bed again tonight, but I do hope I can remember that Mama Bear moment and let it all go a little easier.