Last night, I told Nelson that I'm feeling much less connected to this pregnancy than I did to my pregnancy with Oscar. It feels....less real, less important, less consuming. Sometimes, I even forget entirely that I'm pregnant. It's not until my belly crashes into a doorway or I'm suddenly horrendously nauseous that I remember, "Oh, that's right. I'm pregnant. No wonder I'm so hungry and exhausted."
I can't figure out what this disconnect is or why it exists, but it makes me feel tremendously guilty. I mean, when people ask about the pregnancy, I don't even really want to talk about it. And what pregnant woman doesn't want to talk about her pregnancy? It's what we do, until our friends and family don't even want to call us anymore because they are so tired of hearing about discharge and morning sickness and food aversions and stretch marks and awful smells and weird sensations.
Each day, I survey my growing midsection with surprise and a little bit of panic. I feel utterly unprepared, but I also don't feel like preparing. There is so much to do, I'd rather just sit here and blog and not think about it.
Nelson has been thrilling over telling people. Me, not so much. I wish I knew what it was, I wish I could feel more excited. Maybe it is that my 20+ hour labor with Oscar and those difficult first few weeks with breastfeeding and sleep deprivation are still too fresh in my mind. Maybe when I see this kid swimming around for the firs time sometime next month there will be a huge change and I'll cry tears of joy for this new little miracle.
I know I will love this baby ridiculously once it is here. I have no doubt about that. But the fact that I don't right now has me a little worried.
***Since folks are loving all my anxieties and fears, I've decided to make Phobia Friday a regular blog feature! Next Friday: The Top Ten***