Friday, August 15, 2008

Phobia Friday: Horses, and a Few Tangents

Yep, that's right, I'm afraid of horses. I fell off a horse on my cousin's farm when I was maybe five or six, and I've been terrified of them every since.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate their grace and their beauty. What I don't appreciate is their giant teeth and skittish nature. They are so big, and so strong, they could easily kill a human. So, why the crap to we mount them and stick things in their mouths and smack them with whips to make them run faster? I mean, I know why: money. But still, maybe a little more respect?

I used to babysit this little girl, Lauren. She was my first ever babysitting gig. I actually used to babysit for her and her little sister, Alex and her littler sister, Ryan. And, I heard the other day that there is also a fourth sister. Oh my god, do you know what? Lauren is like 22-years-old now. Holy crap, I'm old.

Anyway, Lauren. So, when it was just Lauren and I was like 12 or 13 I was babysitting her. We went for a walk to the stables by her house. There were all these horses there (duh.) She was maybe 3 or 4 at the time. She wanted to pet one, so against my better (13-year-old) judgement, I held her up so she could stroke the horse's muzzle.

She loved it! She was so cute, saying things like "His nose feels like velvet" and "His eyes look like water." And then I noticed that the horse was getting kind of "into" Lauren, like rooting in her armpit or something.

Well, he wasn't rooting in her armpit, he was EATING HER JACKET!!! That's when I first noticed the horse's teeth. Have you ever noticed a horse's teeth? They're huge and yellow and nas-ty.

I didn't want to alarm Lauren or alert her to the fact that the horse was trying to consume her, so I just carefully pulled her arm out of the jacket, put her down, and proceeded to wrestle the horse for control of the jacket. Okay, not really the wrestling part. I just pulled really hard and got the jacket out of the horse's mouth.

We proceeded home. The end. Except, who knew horse's were omnivorous? I knew they liked hey and grass and oats and carrots, but polyester jackets? Isn't that more goat-like behavior?

Another reason I fear horses: When I was 11 or so, we went to visit my aunt and uncle and cousins up in upstate New York. I've never been anywhere so rural in my life, and I grew up in the country. I remember taking a bath there and the water was green because it came from the creek a 1/4 of a mile from their house. It was crazy.

Anyways, visiting my aunt and uncle, which I always loved because up until that point I hadn't been living in the country, I'd been living in the city. So we'd do things like play in the woods and have crab apple fights and experience nature. Good stuff.

My aunt and uncle had a horse, Gambit. Gambit lived in a small barn inside a paddock. The paddock was lined with electric fence to keep him in. Someone suggested I go outside and feed Gambit some carrots, so I went in the paddock and fed him some carrots.

But Gambit got overzealous with his carrot eating. He so enjoyed them that he basically descended upon me. I had to back up, as not to be, you know, trampled. And I backed right into the electric fence. YEOUCH! I'm not sure how I actually got out of this situation (probably my aunt rescued me) but the lesson I learned is be nice to a horse and it tries to electrocute you.

So horses = falling, jacket eating, electrocuting = I am terrified of them.

The end. Really.


Mike said...

My sister loved horses until she was riding one that stopped behind another that then took a HUGE #2 right in front of her. She no longer loves horses.

Mike said...

My sister loved horses until she was riding one that stopped behind another that then took a HUGE #2 right in front of her. She no longer loves horses.