My mom has been dreading this story guys, dreading it. But, I'm going to be giving birth any day now so I decided to pull out all the stops for you. This story is a gem, one we retell at every holiday and family get together. It is my best Ann Johnson story. Here it goes.
Let me take you back, all the way back to 1993. Remember the 90s? They hey day of Perl Jam and flannel and my teen angst and questionable hygiene. Oh, the 90s. Anyways, one fine afternoon, after my mom's nap, my brother and I were actually able to get my mom out of the house and convinced her to take us to the mall. As I've said before, we lived in the sticks, so the mall was a schlep, but it was civilization - video game arcades and stores selling artificially distressed jeans. It was our mecca.
We'd been at the mall a while and were getting ready to go home. My mom insisted we stop at the food court so she could go to the bathroom. As you may recall, my mom's visits to the bathroom were not what one would call brief. So, 20 minutes later when she finally emerged, my brother and I began harassing her, "What were you DOING in there? What TOOK you so long?" Whine, whine, whine.
"Lets go!" was all she'd say and she turned to lead us out of the mall.
That's when we noticed it.
There was a smudge on the back of her pants.
"Um, MOM! WHAT IS THAT ON THE BACK OF YOUR PANTS?" one of us asked.
"What? Nothing. Let's go!"
Well, "nothing" was a brown, thumb-sized smudge almost dead center on the back of her pants.
"MOM! Is that POOP? Is that POOP on your PANTS?" we asked, thinking there was no way it could be poop, there was no way this could be happening to us right now. It was just too hilarious.
"No! Shut up! Come on, let's go!"
Author's note: Please keep in mind my brother and I are talking very loudly, as teenagers do, and we have not yet left the mall.
"IT IS!!!! It IS POOP! MOM has POOP ON HER PANTS! MOM has POOP ON HER PANTS! Oh my god, MOM POOPED in the MALL! She POOPED HERSELF! She POOPED herself in the MALL! BAWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"
Oh, god, I'm in tears laughing just thinking about it (how juvenile am I that I still think this is hilarious 15 years later?)
"SHUT UP YOU GUYS! It's not even mine," was my mom's response.
My poor, poor, mother. She somehow though having a stranger's fecal matter on her pants was better than having her own fecal matter on her pants. Oh, how wrong she was.
"WHAT? SOMEONE ELSE's POOP is on your PANTS?! That's EVEN FUNNIER! SOMEONE ELSE crapped on YOUR PANTS! That's sooooooooo DISGUSTING!" We were screaming with laughter at this point. We could hardly breath we were laughing so hard.
We demanded an explanation. I mean, really, how does someone else's poop wind up on your pants? Unless you are the parent of a small child. Was there poop on the toilet seat? Poop on the floor? We had to know.
But, alas, she would not tell us. In fact, she wouldn't even speak to us the whole ride home which was over an hour. Not that I can blame her. We were laughing like a couple of loons anyways.
And she told us to stop with the laughing. But we just couldn't, you know? When something that funny happens to you in real life, the laugh can go on for hours. And boy, did it.
In retrospect, I feel bad for my mom. Bad that she got some stranger's crap on her pants, bad that we mocked her mercilessly for it, bad that we mock her still.
But not so bad that I don't laugh my ass off every time I remember this story. I'm just not that remorseful of a person.
And, this is how I know my own children will torture me.