Monday, November 24, 2008

Still Pregnant, Still Breech

First, let me just thank those of you that are still bothering to read this drivel, especially those of you that are bothering to click through and comment. I know how tedious a pregnant blogger's last few posts can be and mine are no exception. I really do appreciate your support. It does help to know you are all pulling for me and sending me your positive vibes.

I've met with my acupuncturist and had my first chiropractor appointment today. I'm doing everything I can to convince this baby that it needs to turn. I know ultimately that it is not up to me, that the baby will turn or that it won't. Period.

I've been trying to write a letter to the Sprout. I started it last week, when I started Oscar's letter. I can't seem to make anything come out. I want this baby to know it is loved and wanted and that we are waiting anxiously for it's arrival but it keeps coming out wrong, wrong, wrong. All I can think is "turn, baby, turn!"

I hate that this is how I will remember the last days of my pregnancy, how I'm filled with anxiety and fear and frustration. I am trying to accept that my home birth will likely not happen. Best case scenario, I'm probably going to end up with a vaginal breech delivery in a hospital. Worst case - an emergency C-section.

This week, I have to pack a bag for the hospital for me and the Sprout. I have to pre-register for my potential delivery. This may seem like par for the course to many of you, but it is a completely foreign experience to me. I didn't "go" anywhere to have Oscar and the idea of going somewhere to have the Sprout just feels wrong.

I have to write a birth plan. I always made fun of birth plans - you can't really PLAN a birth. And, you don't really need one at a home birth. A home birth is a birth plan - no IV, no constant fetal monitoring, no offers of medicinal pain relief, no pitocin, no hourly cervical checks, food and water at my request, no hospital gown ass exposure, no back delivery, no stirrups.

I am supposed to be able to do this, I've done it before, women do it every day. Having a baby is not an illness or a medical complication; it's part of life.

I feel like my body has failed me.


Xbox4NappyRash said...


Woman, your body has FAR from failed you. The proof is running around your feet right now probably, and stomping on your kidneys.

Susanica said...

Awww...Jenni. It must be horrible to feel that somehow your body has failed you. I don't believe that to be true. But that doesn't change the way you feel.

But regardless of how you feel, I know you can change the way you think. So how about rewriting that script. "Hey baby, I thought based on my past experience that I knew how I'd meet you. But even if that picture is changing now, it's still our picture little one."

Personally I'm just eternally grateful that there are skilled professionals who will do what they need to do for your baby to arrive safely---if needed. When Su ended up with an emergency C-Section it was mostly frightening because we didn't know why Danny was stuck. Frustrating, scary and uncontrolled. Again, I'll always be grateful to those doctors who got him out safely. Anyway, just wanted you to know we are sending all our positive energy your way. "Turn baby turn" has such a better sound to it than "Drill baby drill" right?

Veronica said...

Oh hun! The good thing is, you still have a little time left, right? The little one might still decide to turn (god, you have no idea how much I am hoping he turns for you).

Fingers crossed over here.

Casey said...

Aww, I'm so sorry Sprout hasn't turned yet. It must be really disappointing for you but really, you'll have the rest of his/her life to get to know each other. A few crappy weeks before he/she was born is nothing. Gee, did I make you feel any better? I know, it sucks since it's not the way you want it to go but soon you'll be home with baby in tow and you guys can settle into a four person family. And MAYBE Sprout will turn and you'll get your home birth?!? Either way, things will be perfect, just different. I'm still holding out for Thanksgiving, that's only three days away!

steenky bee said...

First of all, I know I've told you this already, but I'd read you if you just started typing out the alphabet. I love it over here. Also, a small piece of me hopes that your mom just takes control of this blog somehow and starts telling us random story. A girl can dream can't she. Good luck with everything...

Jes said...

Jenni I am so sorry to hear how stressed you are. All I can say is we all have to learn to accept our body on its own terms and conditions. Expectations can be so toxic because they make us insist on experiencing the world in a certain, predetermined way, rather than being flexible. And having our expectations dashed are the universes way of smashing our ego. Ego smashing is a good thing. When we let our expectations and our control go then we can fully live in an authentic moment. We learn to be flexible.

I know that baby birthing is the last situation that anyone wants to deal with a character building exercise...but...regardless...the moment sprout comes into the world is going to be an important, meaningful moment. It may not look, smell, sound or feel like you expected it to. But that won't take anything away from it being meaningful.

You are NOT a failure. Your body is not a failure.


moo said...

I know it's not the way you wanted it to be. But just remember that it's the BABY that counts, not the way he or she comes out.

GL hon!

Anonymous said...

Fuck. I really hope that little sucker turns around right quick! Thinking of you, hoping everything goes perfectly!

Anonymous said...

Hey, Jenni. Your body has not failed you. You are perfect. Your baby is perfect. I'm sure you are disappointed you can't have the baby as you intended, but at the end of this, you will have Sprout! I know, it's easy for me to say since I'm just pregnant, no births to compare to, but I'm sending you good vibes.

And I second what Steenky Bee said about your mom taking over. There must be a way to get a few stories out of her!

Anonymous said...

I third Steenky Bee.

I'm bloody sorry I've only just caught up with your blog, and this post in particular, after a few hectic days.

It's not just the baby or "the end result" that counts. Your thoughts and feelings are very valid too. If you planned a c-section and ended up with a home birth due to a sudden onset of labour you'd be upset and every right to be. The same applies the other way around.

I hope your sprout turns but if not, I hope you have (and feel fairly sure you will) enough family and friends around you to get through it.

Really good luck - I hope you get a great result. Whatever you decide is good for you is what you deserve.

lots of love and positive, turning, thoughts.