Thursday, December 4, 2008

All You Need to Know About Parenting Two Children

This next guest poster was the FIRST to agree to write for me while I'm all healing from vaginal trauma and bleeding from my lady parts (even though I'm still pregnant, yes STILL.) And he's gonna be totally psyched that I'm mentioning "vaginal trauma" in his intro because let me tell you, "vaginal trauma" and Cameron's blog, Get the Stink Off are totally synonymous.

Okay, not really. Cameron's blog is waaaay more awesome than vaginal trauma, and definitely funnier. He's a father of two and a Midwesterner to boot - and who doesn't love a Midwesterner? He fully accepts the irony that is parenthood and battles it head on and I am totally honored that he agreed to post for me. Here's a bit of advice from Cameron on parenting two:

First of all, I would like to say congratulations to the proud momma and poppa, and big brother. Secondly, I would like to discuss my standard 'guest post compensation fees', my 'congratulatory surcharge', and my 'delivery fee' at your earliest convenience. I know you’re busy now, but maybe in a couple days.

What, you thought I was doing this out of the kindness of my heart?

Alright, tell you what? My agent is NOT gonna like this, but I will do your guest spot pro bono…this time.

Ok, ok...who am I kidding? I'm between agents now. The first one was imaginary and I haven't found the second one yet.

Alright, on to the post. Jenni has asked me to give her a little advice on parenting two children. I assume she did this because my children are very well adjusted fine upstanding young darlings. Or maybe it’s because I've painted them in that light, all the while hiding the fact that they are hate mongering devil children with horns that come out of their heads just before they spew their hatred. One or the other.

Anyway, I would like to offer some advice without scaring the holy crap-olie out of Jenni. So here goes:

1. DO NOT make direct eye contact with either Sprout or Oscar for the first six months. If either one of them feels they can get your attention, the other one will become frustrated, agitated, and will lash out at you with a force that you have never before witnessed.

2. When Sprout gets a little older (I would say crawling age), DO NOT separate them when they fight. Let them figure out who the alpha dog is.

3. Screw Nelson as much as possible. No, no…not like that. I mean, make him responsible for diapers, feedings, laundry, garbage, and make him do as much as possible. When you had Oscar, you and Nelson were a precision team that could handle anything that came its way. Now that there are two children, there is no team; there is just survival of the fittest. You're looking out for #1 now.

4. There’s something to be said about playing possum. Pretending to be asleep can be a very strategic way of getting out of diaper changes, feedings, etc.

5. Alcohol can be far more consoling than even your best friend.

Pretty sound words of wisdom, if you ask me. Ok, alright, maybe there was a hint of sarcasm in there. On to my REAL advice:

6. Don't expect a repeat of Oscar. Sprout will be different in every imaginable way. From feedings to sleeping to the color of Sprout's poop, different, different, different. This is not necessarily a good or bad thing, it's just a thing. It's important NOT to be let down if things don't go quite the way they did before.

7. Having two kids isn’t twice as hard. It’s 7 times harder!! You will find that tasks that were once simple become very complex with two kids. Nap schedules, baths, trips to the grocery store. It’s important, especially early on, to delegate, to accept help, to sleep as much as possible, to take turns.

8. Ok, now that I’ve scared you to death, advantages: when Sprout gets a little older (around a year), Oscar and Sprout will be able to play by themselves, sometimes for quite a while, without adult interaction.

9. It doesn’t cost twice as much. You probably already have toys and some clothes, stroller, maybe a bassinet.

10. When they get older, you can put them to work cleaning the house, mowing the yard, and any other slave-like labor that you deem fit.

Ok, this is getting pretty long, better wrap it up. Again, congratulations to Jenni, Nelson, and Oscar. You are embarking on a journey which, while sometimes can be difficult and tedious, is more rewarding than you can imagine.


Kat said...

I want to add another word of wisdom. If duct tape, WD-40, or velcro can't fix it, find a bottle of vodka. If that doesn't work, you're screwed.

Casey said...

Great guest post, Cameron! Is it wrong that I think the top set of advice is just as relevant as the second part? I'm all for playing possum and I know better than to make eye contact with the kids.

Susanica said...

Wow and I thought with two you could still play man to man defense. The problem was only when you got to having 3 kids you'd have to move to the zone.

Nelson, get some rest now my friend. Sounds like Cameron is intimating that you too are gonna be a litttttle tired these next few months ;-)

On the very bright side, I don't know of too many other guys who are as great with kids and happy to be a dad and husband as Nelson is. You guys are gonna do just fine! -Monica

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

Wow Cameron I am impressed! Veryinsightful for a guy who writes about multiple orgasams and porn watching dogs! ; )

Good luck guys on your new addition!

Sprite's Keeper said...

Cameron, great list. You definitely know what you're talking about. Or your wife does. :-)
Jenni, deep breaths! Coming soon to a hospital near you! Sprout! Best of luck and want pictures!

Cinnamon said...

First, congrats Jenni!
Great guest post! You gotta love a man who admits it's a wise move to screw your husband with diaper duty
:) Robin
cinnamon & honey

Cameron said...

Whoah...vaginal trauma?

Ok, I can go with that.

Anndi said...


My daughter was 11 days late, I sympathize.


Why is it kids aren't like does when it comes to eye contact. There's no way to stare a kid down. None.

Krystal said...

Playing possum is my favorite trick! I am a pro at it to the point I actually do fall asleep!!

Keely said...

I'm a big fan of the possum position too. know what I mean.

Still thinking laborious thoughts for ya, Jenni.

steenky bee said...

Off the hook, Cameron. My favorite part is the letting them fight it out to find out who the alpha dog is. Better advice I cannot give you.