This next guest poster was the FIRST to agree to write for me while I'm all healing from vaginal trauma and bleeding from my lady parts (even though I'm still pregnant, yes STILL.) And he's gonna be totally psyched that I'm mentioning "vaginal trauma" in his intro because let me tell you, "vaginal trauma" and Cameron's blog, Get the Stink Off are totally synonymous.
Okay, not really. Cameron's blog is waaaay more awesome than vaginal trauma, and definitely funnier. He's a father of two and a Midwesterner to boot - and who doesn't love a Midwesterner? He fully accepts the irony that is parenthood and battles it head on and I am totally honored that he agreed to post for me. Here's a bit of advice from Cameron on parenting two:
First of all, I would like to say congratulations to the proud momma and poppa, and big brother. Secondly, I would like to discuss my standard 'guest post compensation fees', my 'congratulatory surcharge', and my 'delivery fee' at your earliest convenience. I know you’re busy now, but maybe in a couple days.
What, you thought I was doing this out of the kindness of my heart?
Alright, tell you what? My agent is NOT gonna like this, but I will do your guest spot pro bono…this time.
Ok, ok...who am I kidding? I'm between agents now. The first one was imaginary and I haven't found the second one yet.
Alright, on to the post. Jenni has asked me to give her a little advice on parenting two children. I assume she did this because my children are very well adjusted fine upstanding young darlings. Or maybe it’s because I've painted them in that light, all the while hiding the fact that they are hate mongering devil children with horns that come out of their heads just before they spew their hatred. One or the other.
Anyway, I would like to offer some advice without scaring the holy crap-olie out of Jenni. So here goes:
1. DO NOT make direct eye contact with either Sprout or Oscar for the first six months. If either one of them feels they can get your attention, the other one will become frustrated, agitated, and will lash out at you with a force that you have never before witnessed.
2. When Sprout gets a little older (I would say crawling age), DO NOT separate them when they fight. Let them figure out who the alpha dog is.
3. Screw Nelson as much as possible. No, no…not like that. I mean, make him responsible for diapers, feedings, laundry, garbage, and make him do as much as possible. When you had Oscar, you and Nelson were a precision team that could handle anything that came its way. Now that there are two children, there is no team; there is just survival of the fittest. You're looking out for #1 now.
4. There’s something to be said about playing possum. Pretending to be asleep can be a very strategic way of getting out of diaper changes, feedings, etc.
5. Alcohol can be far more consoling than even your best friend.
Pretty sound words of wisdom, if you ask me. Ok, alright, maybe there was a hint of sarcasm in there. On to my REAL advice:
6. Don't expect a repeat of Oscar. Sprout will be different in every imaginable way. From feedings to sleeping to the color of Sprout's poop, different, different, different. This is not necessarily a good or bad thing, it's just a thing. It's important NOT to be let down if things don't go quite the way they did before.
7. Having two kids isn’t twice as hard. It’s 7 times harder!! You will find that tasks that were once simple become very complex with two kids. Nap schedules, baths, trips to the grocery store. It’s important, especially early on, to delegate, to accept help, to sleep as much as possible, to take turns.
8. Ok, now that I’ve scared you to death, advantages: when Sprout gets a little older (around a year), Oscar and Sprout will be able to play by themselves, sometimes for quite a while, without adult interaction.
9. It doesn’t cost twice as much. You probably already have toys and some clothes, stroller, maybe a bassinet.
10. When they get older, you can put them to work cleaning the house, mowing the yard, and any other slave-like labor that you deem fit.
Ok, this is getting pretty long, better wrap it up. Again, congratulations to Jenni, Nelson, and Oscar. You are embarking on a journey which, while sometimes can be difficult and tedious, is more rewarding than you can imagine.