So, like I was saying, something had to be done.
Let me just say, really quickly, that apart from him name obsession, Roger Moore was not a bad guy. He'd always lend you his notes and was a good study partner and would proof your papers and help you come up with topic ideas. I would have considered him an acquaintance - we didn't go out for beers, but we talked before and in between classes, helped each other out, he was a decent writer and a decent guy. You totally wanted him to be on your team for group projects. But his name obsession overrode all that. It was that bad.
For some reason, no one in the College of Journalism ever discussed his name obsession, even though everyone visibly cringed every time he announced himself as Roger Moore. It was something of a taboo, although I'm not sure why.
Well, his name obsession was not the only "thing" about Roger. There was something else, something physical. Something you could not miss about him if you were one of the three blind mice, looking at him from across a football field, through dirty binoculars.
Roger had a big ass.
Scratch that. Roger had a HUGE ass. I mean, it was so big, he clearly had difficulty walking. It was a serious badunkadunk.
Now, I'm not one to hate on people with big asses. My is currently the size of a continent, and when I'm not pregnant, it's still pretty round and full. Always has been, even when I was a painfully thin teenager I had very present and curvy behind. It's just part of my genetic make up.
And I LIKE asses. I think it is way better to have a big ass than no ass at all. But, the thing is, you don't often see a man with an enormous ass. I mean, maybe if all of him is enormous, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about an ass that is disproportionally large in comparison to the rest of his body. You've seen these asses. You've stared at them. Admit it. They are a rarity, an oddity, you want to know more. Even if you are not ass obsessed, you can't help but take a gander when you see a man with a disproportionately enormous backside. You just can't. It's physically impossible.
So, anyways. Roger and his ass.
I was telling a friend of mine all about Roger and how annoying he was and how obsessed with his name he was and she was like, "Wait. Does he have a big ass? Because he totally goes to my church. And he has an identical twin brother (!!)."
I immediately started laughing my ass off (excuse the pun), because although I knew Roger had a large ass, I'd never articulated this fact and neither had anyone else in our mutual acquaintance.
When I caught my breath, I said, "What?? And IDENTICAL twin? As in identical asses?"
Yes, she claimed it was true. I thought it was strange that I'd know him for three years and he'd never mentioned his identical twin (although I was kind of glad because I think identical twins are kind of creepy) but he went to a different university and I guess they were trying to be "individuals" or something.
Well, I decided that I had to report back to some of my J School buddies about this previously unknown twin.
So, I told a few people - Sandee, Kevin, Lou, Jamie, Dan - and they were all like, "Do you mean IDENTICAL IDENTICAL?" And I had to tell them Yes, identical, right down to the ginormous ass.
And then, the ass was out there, so to speak. All of a sudden, we could speak freely of the ass, and of Roger's obsession with is own name. In fact, it was all we could speak of. The jokes, oh, the jokes. It got a little out of hand.
"Hey, have you seen Roger?"
"No, but I saw his ass at happy hour last night."
"Roger made it to class on time today, but his ass was 10 minutes late."
"Roger didn't make it to staff meeting today. He must have been feeling a little assy."
"I'm Moore, Roger Moore. And behind me is my ass."
"Roger though he was being followed but it was just his ass."
"Stand back, my ass has a license to kill."
And on, and on, and on.
Now, understand this was like three years of pent up annoyance about Roger's obsession with his name. I'm not saying we were right, but it was like letting steam out of radiator vent. It felt soooo good.
And, not one of us EVER said anything to Roger about his ass, or to anyone outside of our little group. It was more of a way to cope with his annoying "Moore, Roger Moore" introductions and I honestly believe it is what allowed us to remain on speaking terms with him.
But, I've always felt bad about it. I mean, his ass had to make him feel self conscious. He must have know about it's size and worried that people mocked him for it. And, for years and years after college, I felt guilty about all the teasing I did behind his back.
Then, maybe five, six years after graduation, I ran into him at a bar in DC during happy hour. He spotted me from across the room and approached. I felt nervous, guilty. What if he'd heard about the ass jokes? Would he confront me? But, I was intent on making this reunion go smoothly. I could not help but notice his ass was still intact.
"Jenni? Hey! Do you remember me? Moore, Roger Moore, from J School."
I know I must have visible cringed.
"Oh yeah, I remember you."
AND YOUR ASS!!!!