Friday, December 5, 2008

The Perfect Gift for Any Mom-to-Be

When I asked Jen from over at Steenky Bee to guest post for me while I was having number two, she jumped at the chance, and I'm absolutely honored that she agreed. She's funny and she's from Utah. And not Osmond funny, for real funny.

I was a little put off when she asked for my address, but I figured she just wanted to send a gift. I got a little suspicious when she asked for my mother's maiden name and my social security number, but I figured, what's the worst she could do? Hijack my identity as a stay-at-home-mom with poor hygiene, maxed out credit cards, three smelly dogs, two kids under two, and a husband who cuts the grass in a white tank top?

Wait a I Brittney Spears?

When Jenni over at Oscarelli asked me to guest post she mentioned that it might be nice to write about any advice I might have for her as a new mom of two children. I offered her my standard advice for every mom no matter if they are carrying their first or their fifth child; Take every precaution that there isn't some horrible mix up at the hospital and you take the wrong baby home. Jenni then reminded me that she was planning on having a home birth so my advice was no good to her. Even though the odds of Jenni mixing up her newborn with another newborn born the same day drop substantially because she'll have the baby at home, I maintain it's just sound advice for anyone no matter where you are.

So if I had no advice for my friend, the very least I could do was offer her some sort of gift as a consolation prize. So, in Jenni's honor, I have created two exciting offers for new moms everywhere. Presenting the Steenky Bee Precious Mama Package and the Steenky Bee Lavish Mama Package. Each package is hand assembled (and wrapped, not well) by me and is tailored to fit the unique personality and lifestyle of any mom. Supplies are limited so act fast! Package descriptions and pricing are listed below.

Steenky Bee Precious Mama Package - $399.99*

You'll delight in this unique mix of services and thoughtful gifts. Great for first-time moms or seventh-time moms alike!:

  • Steenky will stay at your house for 3 days and 3 nights. (Special restrictions apply. Steenky is fine with sleeping on the couch, but Steenky will not sleep on a futon. You provide towels and linens as needed.)

  • Steenky assists with delivery of the baby (Includes motivational coaching, unorthodox breathing techniques, running of the television remote and maintaining a constant supply of ice chips.)Umbilical cord cutting (You supply the cord, Steenky supplies the scissors.)

  • 4 suggestions for baby names (Family names are subject to an extra charge.

  • Steenky will provide her expert handling of the boiled water and ripped sheets (You supply the water, pots, stove and sheets. Steenky brings her own pot holders.)

  • Professional 40 minute video of birth complete with director commentary (Shot with state of the art cell phone technology and set to Amy Grant‘s hit from the ‘90s, Baby, Baby, Baby. Youtube upload is subject to a $12 service charge.)

  • Steenky’s Signature Pedicure (Includes foot massage, mild exfoliation and your choice of whatever shade of polish you have lying around the house.)

  • 1 box of partially eaten crackers with cheese spread (Quantity of crackers dependant upon distance between your house and Steenky‘s house. Hey, a girl‘s got to eat.)

*Pricing according to costs associated with 1 birth only. Prices subject to increase in the event of multiple births.

Steenky Bee Lavish Mama Package - $599.99*

You'll not be sorry you upgraded your 'Precious' package to a more 'Lavish' experience. In addition to all of the items standard in the Steenky Bee Precious Package, you’ll also receive these exciting upgrades:

  • 2 additional suggestions for baby names (Family names are subject to an extra charge.)

  • 4 issues of Steenky’s gently used Parents magazine subscription from 2007 (Condition of issues may vary.)

  • Use of Steenky’s first name as your child’s middle name (Subject to gender, or not, it's your call.)

  • Commemorative photo of you, Steenky and your precious newborn in solid oak frame (Sorry, no husbands allowed. Who else would take the photo?)

  • All you can eat Subway sandwiches for 3 days (Offer good for 6’ sandwiches only. Does not include chips or beverages. Extra charge for foot longs apply. That‘s what she said.)

*Pricing according to costs associated with 1 birth only. Prices subject to increase in the event of multiple births.

If you act now, I'm willing to discount both Steenky packages by 10%.

Disclaimers: Steenky Bee Precious and Lavish Mama Packages are intellectual property of Steenky Bee. Actually, not much intellect at all was involved when I created them. Recipients must sign a contract waving their right to any injury, intentional or unintentional against themselves by Steenky and her stay with them. Gifts are non-refundable and non-transferable. Gifts must be redeemed within 12 months of purchase.


Cameron said...

I think steenky didn't make clear....she pays you either the $399 or $599 for barging into your home. Sure, you have to supply the towels, but you can buy a lot of towels for $399.

steenky bee said...

Oh, Cameron, it's well worth the price, I promise. People love it. I swear they do. BTW: I keep all the towels at the end of my stay.

Susanica said...

I would totally consider these neat prize packages but only if they came with 18 free years of babysitting. Oh, and Jenni, you slay me. Brittney! Hahahahaha! -M

Jamie said...

I love that you never follow the rules. This is too funny.

If was ever going to have anymore kids I would so want you there or at least with in a 1800 miles radius. I think Utah is about that far so I guess you would be good just staying there and me here. Can I get the same package if my dog has puppies ?

DeeMarie said...

I'm not pregnant, but will you come and stay and help me unpack instead? I'll even give you your own bedroom while you're here? Come on, you know you want to!

Captain Dumbass said...

If only I had a uterus! A can always dream about being a girl.

Miss Grace said...

Where's the Bargain Basement Package? I'm poor, yknow?

Mama Dawg said...

What do you do if you don't plan on having more kids? Will you come mow my lawn? Wash my dishes? Let my dog hump your leg (therefore giving my leg a break)?

How much does that package run?

And why is the word verification on this ditry? Do they not know how to spell dirty? Did they take spelling lessons from Xtina Aguilera?

Can I channel Chandler and BE more witty?

Heinous said...

The husband always gets stuck with the picture taking. We have to resort to the arm's lenght, slightly askew shot whenever we need to supply a picture.

Is there a package where we can play with your hair?

Chris Wood said...

If I were an expectant mother I would certainly go for the luxury, $600 Steenky Bee excellento package. Superb. Sandwiches too? Cool.

Anonymous said...

Wow, that Steenky, she's a giver, no?

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

wow, sounds like a deal. When I have my next baby I am totally calling you because it would be worth the money just to have someone else cool to hang out with while I am home (and I get a freakin pedicure, what's better than that???)

Anndi said...

Do you take Canadian money at par?

Do you have vasectomy packages also?

Anonymous said...

Can they be tattered towels? Cause all my towels all of a sudden started fraying at the ends. How do they all know to do this at the same time? Was there some meeting that I wasn't invited too? Did my dryer all of a sudden decide to start getting all rough with them because of some unfortunate incident that may have occurred during a previous drying cycle? And speaking of dry cycles, what do you charge for menopausal visits? Are there several packages involved with that "female experience" too? I'm not there yet but I like to plan ahead...usually 20 years in advance. Are you booked that far out?

Wait, I'm was this post about again? Laundry? Cause I could definitely ue help with laundry services...if you know what I mean. Actually, I don't even know what I mean. I'm just talking out my ass at this point.

Congratulations to the mommy-in-birth! That's the PC term right?

Momma Trish said...

Oh dear! You know what's really rough about this is that I'm not going to have any more children, so will sadly be unable to purchase the Steenky packages for myself. And they are very much beyond my budget for baby gifts for friends. But of course, they do sound fabulous, and I will recommend them to everyone I know who is expecting. (Only ... Does it cost extra if you have to travel to the murder capital of Canada? 'Cause that's where they're all from. GREAT!!)

Congrats to the mommy! Awesome intro, btw.

Pamela said...

I don't think Steenky is allowed back in Canada after the great Stalking Captain Dumbass Incident of 2008.

Was is Captain Dumbass? Or am I confused with another of her infamous stalking incidents (incidencies?) of 2008?

Good luck with Number 2. Just don't ask him/her who he/she/ works for in a public bathroom. That's just weird.

Katie said...

Steenky, can I be your assistant? I'm really good at paasing out cigars and saying things like, "whoa, that looks painful", and "Geez! That can't possibly go back to normal"

Good luck with number 2! More lovin' to go around. :)

HeatherPride said...

First of all, good luck to Jenni!

And Steenky's packages almost make me want to make another baby. Almost.

Casey said...

I wish this package was available back in April, I could have used a Subway sandwich. I would have even gotten it on white bread since HASAY rules didn't apply back then. Like DeeMarie, I'm wondering if the Steenky Package is available for other events and if so, I'm signing up. Jenni, are you ordering the package? Would you like us to all chip in and get it as a baby gift?

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

Steenky, head on over. Mr. M is 7 but I could never bring myself to cut the cord and that time has arrived. Also, he only has four names. I need two more, ASAP. And I need a foot massage. Mr. M will give me one as part of his neighborhood enterprise. But when he said he'd give me a 10% discount if I wore socks, that just, well, hurt my feelings. I know you are more sensitive. And you can make grilled cheese sandwiches,right? Please. Come now.

blissfully caffeinated said...

I will definitely remember these special offers if I decide to have another child and make sure there is extra security outside the delivery room.


Susan said...

Where were you years ago when I was having my own babies???? Oh...and as for your first choice advice - I DID have the wrong baby delivered to me in the middle of the night by a fill-in nurse to breastfeed... thank GOD I noticed in time, and my own daughter was fine. Two daughters of my own, and two step-sons is enough, but thanks for the offers.

jen said...

congratulations on number two!

and with the lavish package, do you get to use the name steenky?? or jen??

just wondering.

(super funny ... wd verification ... sheaskis" ... and i am. i am ask is that question)

Krystal said...

Jenbo, I hope that "seventh' was not a jab at me because if it was - it was so funny!! LOL Hubby yesterday thought I might be preggers again! LOL Just the thought!! I had my tubes tied - what a doof! He stil freaks out thinking it might not have been completed.

Wicked Step Mom said...

You know, I am not sure which is worse... The fact that you recommended putting super security on the baby after delivery for a home birth or the subway sandwiches...

Leslie said...

I wish I had known you last March - I could've totally used a bit of Steenky Bee pampering. Afterall, any kind of pedi is better than no pedi!

Cat said...

Can I order this service for myself for bringing home a new fish? And if so, can I exchange the boiling water/sheet ripping with fish bowl scrubbing?

Lola said...

How about when I bring home puppy number three? Can I swap out a few of those offers for pooper scooper duty? If so, you're sold!

Connie Weiss said...

Since you are having a home can probably afford the luxury package!

No, I'm Britney. I had two babies in ONE year! Baby #2 was conceived after sitting out on the patio drinking beer...cuz that is what unemployed people do! LOL!

Preston said...

You are so lucky to have steenky bee as your guest blogger. She never offers me this service. I think it's gender prejudice, if you ask me. Harumph!

Vodka Mom said...

I'm laughing so hard at the vasectomy packages! jesus. The comments are ALMOSt as good as the post.

love it.