Sunday, January 25, 2009

It's Hard

It's infinitely easier the second time. Having a baby, I mean. Okay, maybe not the actual "having" part, but certainly all the rest - the constant feedings, the numerous changings, the endless sleepless nights.

Or so I thought.

It took a few weeks for the sleep deprivation to set in, but it finally has. Yes, Miles regularly does four to five hours in a row at night. But he also regularly wakes every one and a half to two hours at night.

Yeah, he's finally stopped pooping 15 times a day, but now the poop is much more likely to creep up the back of his diapers requiring a full outfit change.

And the nursing. It is going great, really. He has a great latch, except at night when we are both exhausted and he just can't seem to find the sweet spot. And my supply is abundant. In fact, it is over abundant. If I'm nursing on one breast I'm leaking hopelessly from the other, leaving me covered in sticky breast milk and smelling sour by the end of the day.

My Oscar is sweet, but so needy right now and he needs so much more than I have to give. He gets frustrated with me when I can't play blocks while I'm breastfeeding, or read him a book while I'm changing a diaper, or chase him around while I'm holding Miles. He does not want to take naps; he wants every moment with me. The urgency of his need is overwhelming me and making me feel like I'm a failure.

I'm just so tired. Even the nights when I get a good five hours I'm still exhausted. I try to close my eyes, but the second I do, someone is crying, someone is calling me, someone is hungry, someone is lonely, someone needs a hug, someone needs a diaper.

It's hard.

18 comments:

Keely said...

Ugh. Every day I think more and more that Xander is going to end up being an only child...
*hugs*

Casey said...

Oh man, you're bringing back memories. As soon as Miles starts sleeping a little bit longer, everything else will get easier. I swear. Being sleep deprived and having two needy kids is not a good combo but it'll get easier soon. Oscar sounds exactly how Graham was when we first brought Elliot home, he didn't understand why we suddenly had less time for him and got pissed. Good luck.

Stimey said...

You're absolutely right, it is hard. But it gets easier. Hang in there. And do whatever you can to give yourself a break.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

I am crying readind that post (doesnt help I am a big sap when I have PMS) just remembering all of that and being so tired I just wanted to cry. And you know what? I miss that time soo much it hurts.

I know you know it will get easier but just enjoy every minute. Kids are resilant and Oscar will be alright without you there from time to time. Hang in there!! : )

moo said...

oh, Jenni ... two steps forward and one step back, you know? The hormones are still raging and y'all are still trying to figure this all out.

"The urgency of his need is overwhelming me and making me feel like I'm a failure." THIS. I hear THIS.

Sending you positive vibes and internet hugs. I'm told it gets easier. One day.

Cameron said...

I'm sure Stimey has your best interest at heart, but she's a LIAR!!! :)

It doesn't get easier, it gets different. The fatigue will let up eventually, but then it's on to sibling smackdowns, separations, timeouts, houses full of toys that you pick up all day long.

But at least you'll get some sleep ;)

Veronica said...

(((hugs))) It IS hard.

Nathan has been off work for a bit to supposedly help out. Some how I'm still doing every single little thing for these children of mine while he sleeps late and plays computer. Now I'm very sorry, but helping out doesn't mean that you take Amy outside for 5 minutes a couple of times a day, while I feed/change/play/prepare dinner/bath every other person in this household.

Patience=wearing thing.

He's back at work tomorrow and honestly, I don't know if that's a good thing, or a bad thing.

Okay, vent over. I'm just frustrated and I can't exactly post thing on my own blog. I figured you would understand.

B J Keltz said...

I will keep you in my prayers. I remember those days and wish we all had older neighbors or parents that lived close and didn't work. Sure wish I had, anyway. :)

Hang in there. Oscar will be fine, and so will you, hon.

PRM said...

Remember those first few months are the MOST tiring. We'll see you soon... and make you a meal.

Becky said...

Oh honey, I hear you. It is hard. But of course you are NOT a failure and you're doing your best for everyone, it's just a hard time for a while. It's easier said than done, but cut yourself some major slack. And hurray that Miles is nursing great, AND I think a 4-5hour stretch of sleep at this point means he's obviously a genius!

crazylovescompany said...

Well, I was optimistic there for a nano second when I read the first sentence. Hang in there Jenni, your kids are awesome and so are you.

In a moment of self pity over lack of sleep, last night I almost cried over the state of my toes. I know, my toes? I used to treat myself to the good ol' $20 pedi every other week and I haven't had them done since the bundle was born 12/12 and they are now horrible. I might have to, *gasp* do them myself! :)

jen @ negative lane said...

I'm right there with you, just seven months ahead. It's still hard, but it's getting better. Inch by excruciating inch, things are moving forward.

Hang in there.

jen @ negative lane said...

We were leaving encouragingly sympathetic comments on each other's blogs almost simultaneously. Too funny!

Heather said...

UGH!!! Lots of memories just came flooding back...of nursing a baby while a toddler begs for attention. It does get better. Once you are out of this stage..you'll move on to something equally as hard. But, it's soooo worth it right???

Susanica said...

Just two more weeks and your Oscar distractor will be on the scene again. Perhaps they boys will run themselves so ragged they'll take super long naps every day. Well, you gotta hope right? -Monica

Momma Bear said...

yeah it doesn't get better it just gets different. The transition is always the hardest for everyone. Hang in there, you're doing a good job! I wished you lived near me I'd bring the kids over to play!

Momma Bear said...

I didn't mean to say "better". I meant to say it doesn't get easier. It does get better when everyone adjusts.

Baby Bunching said...

Hang in there....it gets easier. Unfortnately, this is Baby Bunching. The good news is the reward will come. It's good the grandparents took him for a few days. It gives him time to play and be the center of attention. Gives you time to readjust. This is why my oldest started preschool at 20 months. ;-) It's amazing what little breaks will do for you.