Thursday, April 30, 2009

Thursday Morning Thoughts or How I Ended up Walking Around Covered in Spit up and Poop

Miles, are you really up for the day? Really? It's 5AM and Mommy needs to shower because we're going to the DMV today.

"Nelson! Wake up. Watch Miles while I shower, please."

Ah, clean! And make up! Must put on LOTS of under eye concealer. This photo is my identity for the next seven years and god forbid it makes me look as exhausted as I always feel.

Okay, Miles, you and me! Lets make Daddy lunch. What? Are you kidding me? Can you please just not spit up all over me one day in my life? Just one? Looks like I have to change. But, wait, is that Oscar? It IS Oscar. Let's go get your brother.

Oscar! Smiling, that's good, good way to start the day. Hmm, Daddy was going to put this stained shirt on you, but lets find a neater one. We are going out in public, after all.

Okay, lets get Miles dressed. Oscar, Oscar, where are you? No, no, no. Leave the toilet paper. Leave it. No, the bunny does not drink from the toilet. No, we do not smack Nebo in the face. Downstairs.

Miles, in the Exersaucer. Oscar, TV on already? What is that? Barnyard? Whatever. Bagel, water for Oscar. TV off. Playing puzzles.

Wait, what IS that in the bottom of the Exersaucer? No. NO IT IS NOT. NO. Goddamn it. It's poop, isn't it? Poop. What the eff, Miles? Your poop DID NOT just leak out of your diaper and run down your leg and form a POOL in the Exersaucer. Unbelievable.

Okay, move Miles, clean poop pool, get clean outfit. What time is it? 7:15, right.

Baby changed. Wait, is that poop all over my sleave? Great. I still need to change. Baby nursing. TV back on, good one, Oscar.

7:55, time to get Nora to school. Jackets, jackets, shoes, hats, Snuggli, lets go go go!

Walking back from school, who is that on my porch? Oh, crap, the cleaning people! Their key is broken, I forgot to get them a new one! Sorry, sorry, sorry!

Back in the house, packing up for trip to DMV. Cell phone, pretzels, granola bars, water, toys. Pick up puzzles. Load up Miles in infant seat. Pick up puzzles again.

Load children in car and on the road. 8:23, score! Driving against traffic, Miles falls asleep, Oscar watches cars. Perfect, peaceful ride.

Arrive at the DMV. Unload monster double stroller. Load up children. Go into DMV, wait in line for like two minutes and get my number to wait some more.

Sit down, pull out pretzels for Oscar and my number is called. What? My number? Really?

I give her my license, she takes a new photo, it prints out in two minutes and we are outta there. Load kids and monster stroller back into car. Look at the clock and realize it took me longer to load my children into the stroller than it did for me to get a new license. Am shocked.

Drive to Target. Get new phone since ours is no longer working. Thanks for that, Oscar. Oscar TOTALLY FREAKS OUT when he sees all the PHONE? PHONE? PHONE? in the aisle. Grab a moderately priced phone and leave. Get rash guards for the boys, get them each a new shirt.

Oscar demands Cars ice packs in check out isle. Notice that Oscar has a pile of stuff in in seat. Hand pile of stuff to cashier with apologetic smile. Pay and get out.

Home to clean house! Oscar demands Elmo. Put in Grouchland. Nurse Miles, put him in Exersaucer. Get snack for Oscar. What Oscar? Miles poop? Okay.

Miles has complete crapped it out yet again, nice. Up the back this time, switching it up, I see. Okay, new outfit, back in Exersaucer.

Oh, laundry. Better get folding. Laundry. Wait. Right. I was supposed to change. Or I could just walk around in public with spit up and poop all over myself. That would be better. Am so cool.


Becky said...

I was exhausted before I got to 7:15 in your day. Strength, woman! Thank the lord someone else cleaned the house for you!

Cara said...

Oh. Dear. Lord. My brain hurts. You poor woman!

I've totally gone to the store with poop & spitup & not noticed til I got home. Geesh.

abdpbt said...

Uggh. I remember those days when I felt like a glazed donut from being spit up on constantly. This poop situation is just not manageable, though--maybe you should try another brand? (Not trying to sound pushy, I would just have totally lost it if Mini's diapers leaked twice in one day!)

blissfully caffeinated said...

You have cleaning people? I'm so effing jealous.

Anonymous said...

Oh bugger it. I just wrote a really long comment and the blogger thing lost it grr.

The essence of it was, I want cleaners and my boy is always pooing out of his nappys. I'm often covered in snot when I go out - classy eh?!

Peggy said...

Ah, two varieties of poop explosions in one day...nice work kid!

Casey said...

Wow, Miles is a kid after my own heart. Two assplosions in one day is impressive. Elliot stuck both of her hands in her own shit today when I was trying to change her diaper and the neighbor rang the doorbell at the same exact moments. Kids are so rewarding.

Veronica said...

I think our little boys are similar. Isaac managed to get poo all the way up to his neck and down to his ankles. AND all over me. Fun times.

Keely said...

I feel your pain. These days I mostly leave the house covered in food (and sometimes snot) but for a while there was poop. X managed to leak (well, explode or ooze if I was lucky) out of every brand of diapers available, and clothies as well. Good times.

PRM said...

That was stressful to read.

Cameron said...

We are pretty much out of the 'poop around the house is completely normal' phase. It's kinda nice.

Mrsbear said...

I've had those days. Ugh. Reading about it is no less exhausting. At least your trip through the DMV was relatively painless, and the exersaucer seems to make a nice poop catcher...Hope your weekend is uneventful.