There, I said it. They are. Toddlers are assholes.
Now, before you get all huffy on me, I KNOW. They are babies. They are testing boundaries and learning and exercising their independence. I get it. This is part of toddlerhood and dealing with toddlers is part of parenthood. I accept this. I EMBRACE it, even. I mean, I'm sure I was a complete asshole when I was two. Some would argue that I'm still an asshole, but that's another post.
But, really. I mean, toddlers get away with some serious assholery. Just think about it for a minute. If a grown adult tried even for a second to do half the asshole crap Oscar does in just one day, I'd probably be moved to violence.
Here's a short list of the stuff Oscar does that qualifies him for assholehood.
1. Regularly hits, pushes, and tackles his peers if they do something not to his liking.
2. Takes other peoples belongings and maybe smacks them for emphasis.
3. Tries to kick, poke, and/or body slam his infant brother.
4. Intentionally steps on other people's feet and laughs as they wince in pain.
5. Insists on walking in front, yet, stops and squats down like 50 times causing you to almost trip.
6. Plays in doorways.
7. Beats windows with his fists.
8. Jumps on the couch with his shoes on.
9. Tries to grab his own feces and fling it.
10. Demands to be held whenever the baby is nursing, to the point of Complete Meltdown.
11. When he hears the baby crying, demands to be held and has Complete Meltdown if the baby is tended to first, however wants nothing to do with parents if baby is not crying.
12. Throws objects, sometimes heavy ones, at people's heads.
13. Lays on the floor in public places and screams his brains out if his demands for toys/balls/cars/Goldfish are not immediately met.
14. Kicks the back of the driver's seat when in the car.
15. Takes other people's water and refuses to return it.
16. Regularly back washes into other people's beverages.
17. Intentionally dumps water/food/etc. onto the floor and proclaims, "Making mess. Fun! Fun!"
18. Throws his food on the floor or in people's faces if he does not want it or is finished eating it.
19. Kicks the underside of the dining table during dinner.
20. When moved away from the dinner table so he can't kick it, he places his feet ON the dinner table.
21. Has Complete Meltdown when he is unable to open a container or lid.
22. Has Complete Meltdown whenever things do not go 100% his way.
23. Has Complete Meltdown when tired, but stalwartly refuses to sleep.
24. Demands repeated viewings of the same two movies multiple times a day.
25. Repeatedly pulls cat's tail and slaps dogs in the face.
Seriously, folks. Really imagine for a minute that a grown adult tried to pull any of the above shenanigans. It would not fly.
Not that I spite him any of these shenanigans. If I'm being completely honest, I'm actually a little jealous. He gets to wear his emotions on his sleeve, to act on his every impulse no matter how reckless or dangerous, and he gets away with it because he's two.
I love Oscar, I really, really do. Like, with all of my guts. He has many redeeming qualities, as all toddlers do. He's quick with a smile, he's funny, he gives great hugs and kisses, he's full of adventure, he loves me unconditionally, he's so much fun, he's brilliant, he's charming, he's devastatingly handsome.
But still. Asshole.