Thursday, June 11, 2009

Shit

I had the most fantastic day today with my mom and the boys at Port Discovery today. Port Discovery is the children's museum in Baltimore and if you are ever around these parts, I highly recommend it.

Anyways, it was an awesome day. We got there early; Oscar and Miles both napped for the 30 minute drive (note: it took me 30 minutes to drive to the museum 27 miles away in Baltimore and it also took me 30 minutes to get to the zoo in DC less than five miles from my house the previous day. Gotta love DC!); there was almost no traffic; my Garmin was spot on. Things were going great. Oscar loved the sensory room and the water room and didn't even meltdown when we left.

Because he was EXTRA good, we stopped in the McDonald's next to the museum for lunch. At one point I asked Oscar if he was having a good day and he smiled and nodded and kicked his feed and said, "Umm-hmm!" It was great.

We brought the single stroller with us to get Oscar from the parking garage to the museum and back. I had Miles in my Ergo. And he was a prince. Positively princely. I nursed and changed him at the museum and he was just as happy as a clam.

At McDonald's, I took him out of the carrier and put him in the stroller while we all ate. He was cooing and smiling and laughing up a storm. The other patrons were eating him up. I though to myself, "Wow, he's so happy. I wonder if he pooped, " because who's happier than a baby stewing in his own feces?

He was wearing this really cute green shirt and shorts. He pulled his legs up to grab his feet when I noticed it. A pool of runny, mustard yellow baby crap sitting in the leg of his pants. It was on the verge of spilling over onto the stroller.

I grabbed some napkins to mop up the mess, but if you have kids you know you can't really "mop up" pools baby crap. All you can really do is smear it around and make the mess worse.

So, I did that. And then I took him to the bathroom and found out that I had no wipes in my bag. What am I, a fucking novice parent here? I am out in public with two children under the age of two. I usually carry and entire package of baby wipes. Alas, not today.

And, of course there are no paper towels in this bathroom. And the faucet is set too far back on the sink to just hose him down. Awesome.

The changing station was in the handicap accessible restroom, so I come to the conclusion that I'm just going to have to wipe him with dry toilet paper and do the best I can. Which is great, because everyone knows that when a parent is "doing the best they can" in a tough situation, things go to shit (heh) pretty quickly.

I pull him out of the stroller the pool of poop spills out and SPLATS! on the floor of the restroom. His pants are so covered in poop, had they not been a gift from Nelson's mom I'd have trashed them.

There is poop everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Except his diaper, which apparently shifted while he was in the carrier allowing all the poop to end up outside of the diaper. I've got poop up to my elbows and Miles has poop down to his toes. And it's sticky. Even the fresh diaper somehow has baby poop all over it and I need to get out another clean diaper. Don't even get me started on the stroller (dripping in poop.) And I'm using MCDONALD'S ONE PLY TOILET PAPER to clean it up. Did I mention that this particular bathroom doubled as a meat locker and was a frosty five below?

After fourteen days and ten trees worth of toilet paper, Miles is covered with a dried yellow sheen of baby crap and I accept that this is the best I can do. He is screaming because he's freezing. I decide not to put him in a fresh outfit but to instead leave him in his miraculously clean T-shirt and diaper because I'm that classy.

I wipe down the stroller to the best of my ability and place a burp cloth over most of the stain and we head back out to where my mom and Oscar have both finished eating. Oscar is practically in college at this point. I carry him back to the car and mom pushes Miles in the stroller and I load everyone up with relative ease, even though I am so goddamn annoyed that I seem incapable of going one day without being covered in someone else's shit.

I mean, really. I moved Miles up to larger diapers and then it shifts in the carrier? It's like I can't win. At least he did crap it out while in the carrier. So I guess it could have been worse. But it was still pretty shitty.

16 comments:

Keely said...

And the moral is...just when you think things are going well, life hands you a steaming pile* of shit.

*or in your case, puddle.

Sprite's Keeper said...

The queen could have gifted you those pants, you should trash them. They are not only covered in poop, they're covered in the memory of poop. And you deserve a McFlurry for your troubles. Thanks for the biggest laugh!

Becky said...

Oh god. I've been there, honey. And isn't there a tiny, tiny part of you, while you're dealing with the literal shitstorm, that kind of wants to rise to the occasion? Like, "Okay, baby covered in poop and I have one eye makeup remover pad to clean him. BRING IT ON."

My Hank shitstorm was last summer in the Margaret Mitchell house here in Atlanta. I had to lay him down on an actual bathroom floor and clean him with those paper seat covers. God.

Cara said...

You said it, Jenni. I think we've all been there. Did you at least laugh at it once you got home & cleaned up?

Casey said...

Hahaha, then Oscar was practically in college. I love it, even though it was a sad situation.

That yellow mustard shit is EXACTLY the same shit that splashed in my eye that day. Also, the kind that squirted UP my shorts when I was sitting with my legs up and Elliot in the crook of my legs. That shit is impossible to get off, kudos for trying.

Cameron said...

I do believe the shit ends somewhere around age 4.

Veronica said...

It's funny, we've just cleaned up a poo exactly the same as that. Thankfully, it happened on the drive home so I was just able to throw Isaac in the bath. No amount of wipes would have cleaned this one up. It went down to his ankles and up to his shoulders.

It sucked.

Stimey said...

Of course.

I'm sorry for laughing so hard at this, but I've been there and it's rough, but it's still kinda funny. Right?

Momma Bear said...

oh my. the stress of this i felt for you while i was reading this, rapidly increased heart rate with each word read, a feeling of overwhelmingness(word?) and a hint of nausea made me think of...oh yes my life.

Heidi said...

Been there! My favorite was the time Princess Poo was sitting in my lap wearing a cute tee and shorts, instead of her usual onesie. She shat with such force it went up her back, covering her shirt, my lap, the sofa and hitting the floor - while missing the diaper entirely. Yes, a perfectly clean diaper, and handfuls of poo. A onesie may have saved us, but may not. Thankfully we were at home. It's not for nothing we called her Gassy Cassie.

Congrats on surviving it!

Mrsbear said...

Ew. Sadly, I've been there. Wiping poop up gallons of poop in a public restroom setting. Also as bad...an entire 8 oz bottle of puke, trickling through the stroller it inundated and down in to your purse and diaper bag. Even the best times end in with a small child's waste. :( Kudos to you for maintaining your sanity.

Captain Dumbass said...

Too bad you couldn't have taken him in the kitchen and used one of the big sinks with the sprayers. Guess that would probably be in violation of a few health codes.

Baby Bunching said...

Ahhhh....yes. Been there done that. Believe me, this won't be the last time it happens.

crazylovescompany said...

I can't even imagine making up something worse. I ran out of wipes today, but we lucked out and were actual at the doctor's office. And Becky's story, OMG. I don't look forward to whatever is coming down the road for me. ugh.

EllenMarie said...

Ahhhhh, trying to clean the poop with dry industrial toilet paper... Never a good thing. But at least your post made me crack up.

crazylovescompany said...

God. I laugh everytime I read this post. We have got to meet. I'll bring the chocolate, you bring the wipes.