Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Some Days I Need a Referee

One day last week, Danny commences SCREAMING and grabbing his diaper, indicating that a diaper change is immediately necessary. As I'm scooping up the supplies and assuring Danny things will be okay, Oscar beings demanding that I hold him.


Obviously I can't hold him as Danny is very clearly in dire need of a diaper change, so I tell Oscar, "Momma will hold you later. I have to change Danny. Danny's sad."


"Danny sad? Danny sad? Momma hold you! Momma hold you!" And Oscar starts freaking out.


I make the decision to just ignore Oscar because his behavior is escalating to a tantrum and there is really nothing I can do. Danny is totally freaking out at this point, and it's only been like 30 seconds, so he clearly needs to be dealt with first.


I lay Danny down and open his diaper to find awful, nasty, messy diarrhea that is irritating what already was an inflamed diaper rash. The poor guy is in quite a bit of pain, hence the freaking out and Extreme Screaming.


At just this moment of diarrhea discovery, I hear Oscar shriek with glee as he lands on my back. He will not be ignored! So there I am, with a very poopy diaper and toddler beneath me and a 30 pound monkey hanging off my neck and kicking me in the kidneys.


I sort of lean to the side and manage to shake him off, but he's back on me in a flash! So, I try to clean Danny's bottom with Oscar on my back, but it's just not working. Danny is really screaming because the cleaning is painful and he's kicking his legs and writhing and threatening to get diarrhea all over me and my couch. And Oscar is on my back, pulling at my hair, trying to reach around and grab my glasses, and laughing like a maniac.


I tried to shake him off again, but it only worked the first time because I caught him unawares. He was ready this time and just clung tighter. I had to literally pry him off of me, with one hand, and he landed on the floor with a bit of a THUNK but was fine.


At this point, I noticed that he was getting onto my back by climbing onto the ottoman and launching himself off of my laptop. And in a second he's on me again, laughing and kicking and crushing my larynx in an attempt to get me to wrestle.


I pry him off me again and he's immediately trying to climb back up the ottoman, "I CLIMB! I CLIMB!" Now, I only have one arm, because the other is trying to clean the crap off a screaming toddler who's in pain. I take my free arm, block the climb, and scoop up the laptop, stowing it safely under the couch.


Then, Oscar is on my back again, laughing and just generally having a great time. I tuck my chin to protect my neck and just let him stay there, so I can get poor Danny's diaper changed. His bottom was clean and covered with cream by this point, but he was still awfully upset.


I get the clean diaper on Danny and he's all suited up, but still crying pretty significantly. As I begin to comfort him, Oscar makes a lunge, "DIAPER! Danny poop? Poo-poo diaper? HAHAHAHAH!" I snatch up the dirty diaper before Oscar can get a hold of it and hustle it to the trash with Oscar hot on my heels the whole way.


By the time I'd washed my hands and made it back into the living room, Danny found his way to the toddler chair and had calmed down. Oscar no longer wanted to be held. And I was in desperate need of martini. Extra dirty and extra dry. Which is kind of fitting when you think about it.

17 comments:

bsouth said...

I hate that things get so intense so quickly and then the toddlers are suddenly calm. It takes me at least a couple of hours (and a sniff of the wine box) to come down from that sort of thing. Darned kids!

Heidi said...

You just reminded me why, when we're at home, I NEVER change diapers anywhere but the changing table. I had something like this happen with a younger Ted and Cass. It was a nightmare that also included our very large and very interested dog. Ack! Hope you got the martini.

Cara said...

What is it with kids & poop? In the past week, Roo has eaten his poop & dog poop. And Claire? Has tried to climb my back while I was cleaning up both messes. If you're making martinis, I'll take one, too.

Cara said...

And...ironically enough, my word verification on that last comment was "diticaca". I lie not.

Susanica said...

You are a saint Jenni. Saint Jenni. Yes, Danny has taken to immediately notifying us of the fact that he has already pooed (we'd prefer he let us know beforehand sigh). And his bum was really irritated then, so the screaming I can totally picuture. But to deal with it while trying to fend off a very exited Oscar? No thanks. Whew. Glad everyone got out of it unscathed. We don't say thank you enough for all you do Jenni. Thanks!

Sprite's Keeper said...

Please tell us that Miles was at least taking a nap throughout all of this!

Just Breathe said...

Lot of poop stories out there today.

Momma Bear said...

poop it's all about poop oh my god?!! hahaha very fitting, I hear ya!

PRM said...

LOL. POOP!

sammanthia said...

Honey, I think you need a little more than a martini.;)

Casey said...

Just wait until Miles is tall enough to join in the fun. Every single diaper change is like that around here, Elliot bee lines for the changing table and tries to pull down the shitty diaper or Graham if she can. It turns into a screaming/shit flinging mess almost every time. I love children.

Keely said...

Tell me again why I want a second one of these?

FoN said...

Wow, am I ever happy to be free of the diaper stage. Mind you, my teenager just rolled her eyes at me for the fifth time today, so.....yeah. You're still all good.

elizabeth (dundee) lampert said...

Love the fitting description for the martini.

Frogs in my formula said...

It is fitting! Dare I say it? It was a SIGN.

Kat said...

So I am not the only one who think in her head "and this is why mommy drinks..."

Mrsbear said...

I need a martini just for reading about it, if I'd lived it I might be swimming in vodka. Dude.