Thursday, July 2, 2009

Go Bye-Bye?

"Go bye-bye? Go bye-bye?"

"Yes, Oscar, we are going to go bye-bye."

"Shoes? Bye-bye shoes?"

"Yes, we will put on your shoes. After Momma fishes nursing Miles."

"Nursing Miles? Momma nursing Miles?"

"Yes, Momma is nursing Miles."

BARK! BARKBARKBARK! BARK!

"Okay, Nebo. Just a minute."

Five seconds later:

BARK! BARKBARKBARK! BARK!

"Okay, FINE NEBO!"

Places Miles down, lets dogs in. Resumes nursing Miles.

Five seconds later:

"Momma, I put on shoes? I put on shoes?"

"Sure, Oscar, you can put on your shoes."

"HELP! HELP!"

"Okay, come over here. I'll help with your shoes."

Pauses nursing, helps Oscar with shoes. Resumes nursing.

Five seconds later:

"Ow! Ow! Take shoes off! Shoes hurting! Take shoes off! TAKE SHOES OFF! Momma hold you! MOMMA HOLD YOU!"

Pauses nursing, helps Oscar with shoes. Resumes nursing.

Five seconds later:

"Put shoes on? Oscar put shoes on?"

Audible sigh.

"Yes, baby. You can put your shoes on."

Five seconds later:

"Help! HELP! Take shoes off! OFF! Take shoes off!"

Pauses nursing, helps Oscar with shoes. Keeps shoes behind back. Resumes nursing.

Five seconds later:

"Watch it? Watch Nemo now? Watch it?"

"Momma can't put in Nemo right now. She's nursing Miles."

"Oh no! What happened? Watch Nemo now? Watch it?"

"Nope, no watch it. We are not going to watch Nemo. Go play with your cars."

"Watch Cars? Watch Cars? Help! Watch it Cars! Watch it Cars!"

"No, baby. Play with you cars. Where is McQueen? Where is the King? Are they in the garage? Go get your garage?"

"Oh, I do it! Garage!"

Oscar begins playing with cars. Takes cars into hallway and proceeds running them up and down hallway.

Five minutes later:

"Oscar? Oscar are you okay?"

"I fine. I fine."

"Well, what are you doing?"

"Uh oh."

"Uh oh what? Oscar? What happened?"

"Uh oh, what happened? Uh oh, I making mess!"

Places Miles down, rushes to hallway. Finds Oscar soaking wet, water covering floor, dog water bowl empty. Oscar, beaming.

"Hi, Mom! I making mess! Water! Making mess!"

"I see that. Well, lets clean it up. Lets clean up the mess."

"Okay, I do it! Clean mess!"

Use 14,000 hand towels to mop up spill of oceanic proportions. Put complete dry outfit on Oscar. Put in Madagascar. Pick up Miles; resume nursing.

Five seconds later

"Water? I thirsty! Hungry! I hungry!"

"Can you wait until Momma finishes nursing Miles?"

"WAAAAA! I thirsty!"

"Oscar, your water is right over there, underneath your table. Go get it."

"Okay, I do it."

Oscar is confused, unable to locate the water bottle six inches from his left foot. Begins whining.

"Water! Waaaaaaater!"

"Okay, Oscar. I'll get it for you."

Places Miles down; retrieves water; resumes nursing.

Five seconds later:

"Bunny? BUNNY! BUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNYYY!"

"Bunny is in the kitchen, Oscar. Go get him."

"I found it! I found it Bunny!"

"Okay, good. Now watch your movie so I can finish nursing Miles."

Oscar does not return.

Two minutes later:

"Oh, I found it!"

"Oscar? Oscar what are you doing?"

"I found it!"

"What did you find, Oscar?"

Places Miles down. Finds Oscar in the dining room disassembling diaper bag.

"Hi, Mom!"

"Oscar! No! That's Momma's bag. Leave it. Go on. Go watch your movie."

Begins reassembling diaper bag; collecting wipes scattered over floor; etc. Returns to living room to find Oscar scribbling on couch with markers.

"Oscar!"

"Hi, Mom! I drawing! Momma, I drawing!"

"Oscar. We do not draw on the couch. We draw on paper."

"I drawing couch!"

Audible sigh.

"Here's some paper, draw on the paper."

"I no want to."

"Of course not. Okay, then no drawing."

"WAAAA!"

"Oscar. Will you please just watch your movie for five minutes so I can finish nursing your brother? Please?

"Okay, I watch it."

Five seconds later:

Oscar gets up; wanders out of living room.

Five seconds later:

Oscar giggles.

"Oscar? Oscar what are you doing?"

Oscar giggles.

"Oscar? I don't like the sound of that. Oscar, come here please."

Oscar giggles again. Places Miles down and goes looking for Oscar. Locates Oscar, beside cat food, stuffing it into his face.

"OSCAR, NO! We do not eat cat food!"

Oscar laughs, runs off to kitchen. Momma follows. Proceeds to try and wrestle cat food from Oscars mouth. Attempts are unsuccessful.

"I eat it. I eat it food!"

"Yep, you sure did, Oscar. Are you hungry?"

"No."

"Okay then. Now come on. Back to the living room."

"Okay, I going."

Attempts to finish nursing Miles, but he is done; too distracted.

"Okay Oscar, lets get your shoes. Lets go bye-bye."

"Go bye-bye!"

"Wait, Oscar, where are your shoes? They were right here. Where did they go?"

"I don know. I don know. I find it!"

"Okay, you do that. I'll get snacks for today."

"Okay, Mom."

Five seconds later:

"WAAAAAAAAAA!"

Oscar comes running into the kitchen.

"MOMMA HOLD YOU! MOMMA HOLD YOU!"

"Baby, what happened?"

"I bump head! I hurt it. I hurt head."

"I'll kiss it and make it better, okay? Are you okay now?"

"I fine. I fine."

"Did you find your shoes?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"Okay, lets get them on."

Puts shoes on Oscar.

"Bye-bye?"

"Let me load up Miles."

"Bye-bye? BYE-BYE?! WAAAAA!"

"Oscar, chill. We are going bye-bye. Just wait one minute."

"MOMMA HOLD YOU! WAAAA!"

"I can't hold you. I'm strapping in your brother so we can go bye-bye. Remember bye-bye?"

"Go bye-bye?"

"Yes, now. Let's go."

Grabs diaper bag, infant car seat, Oscar's hand. Hustles everyone out to the porch. Closes door.

"Oscar, wait. Wait for momma."

"I go down stairs."

"Wait. WAIT. Where are my keys. Shit. I locked them in the house. Really? Really? You've got to be kidding me, man."

"Kidding me, man!"

"I wish I was kidding you. I so wish."

16 comments:

1invermillion said...

You are seriously scaring me.

And sorry about the keys :-(

rachel said...

oh no... that was the scariest story ever.
seriously though, i have a 22 month old and your writing captures the toddler spirit PERFECTLY!! thank you for sharing :)

Sprite's Keeper said...

Bwahahahaha!
I LOVE THIS!
You must Spin this! Let me know.

Cara said...

Holy mother fracker. As much as I hate this for you, I LOVE that someone else has a day almost exactly like mine. You deserve a drink.

Heather said...

I would go insane after that! Mom's should really get the awards in life shouldn't they?

Heidi said...

So, so familiar.

Wait til he's four. The sentences get longer and the stunts get trickier. Think eating the cat food... off the counter he's standing on. Because he used a chair to climb up there.

And Miles will be right behind him, pulling the chair away...

bsouth said...

Ah yes, the world of toddler. It doesn't improve for a while I'm afraid! And Heidi's right, soon Miles will be there egging him on.

elizabeth said...

I have one gentle and cute little nine month old. I want more. But I am now considering myself warned..

Just Breathe said...

OMG & wow! I got tired just reading it.

Keely said...

I feel the need to consume an adult beverage on your behalf. Can I do that for you?

blissfully caffeinated said...

Oh mah gawd. I do not miss those days. Not one bit. Not ever. That is why there is a bigger gap between babies this time than there was last time.

I hope things improved later, Jenni. That made my blood pressure race just reading it.

Susanica said...

Pure Oscarelli Jenni. Hmmm...will Miles be called Mileserelli? :-) -Monica

Veronica said...

I'm actually stunned that Miles went back to nursing each time. If Amy distracts Isaac then I'm buggered and he won't latch back on. Means I feed every hour or so.

Also, that sounded exhausting. Days like that suck.

Sprite's Keeper said...

Read it again. Laughed AGAIN.
You're linked!

Casey said...

Oy with the incessant questions (I was speaking to my kid actually). They're exhausting, aren't they?

True Blue Texan said...

Over from the Spin Cycle and may I say I think this should be required reading for all those thinking they're ready to have children.

And I am so glad that I'm past that stage.

Great spin!