Oh my god Oscar. I think he's trying to drive me insane. He is so TWO! right now that I don't even know what to do with myself, let alone what to do with him.
He's into everything. It's constant from the second we get up to the second he goes to bed. I take him out of the crib and he hits the toilet; then he pulls out all his diapers; chucks his toys down the stairs; starts pitching things into Mile's crib at his head.
We're downstairs; he goes from the dog water to pulling things off the counter to climbing on the top of the table to dumping out all the salt to falling off the table to knocking over Miles to jumping on the couch to falling off the couch to grabbing the phone and throwing it to turning on the TV to turning off the TV to pounding on the windows to chasing the dogs to pulling every single book off the bookshelf to taking toys from Miles to randomly flinging toys around the room with alarming strength to AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I feel like all I do all day is follow him around and stop him from wreaking havoc, except that the constant state of havoc assures me I'm doing a pretty shitty job.
You know what he did the other day? He took his Tonka bulldozer and just whacked Miles right in the face with it. Just slammed him with it. Completely out of nowhere. And yesterday, Oscar came flying into the living room and just pushed Miles down and his head slammed onto the floor. There's also the time when Miles was sitting on the floor playing joyfully and Oscar came in pushing his giant dump truck at FULL SPEED and intentionally crashed into Miles. Do I have to illustrate how that ended?
And when he's not smashing him in the face or blatantly knocking him over, he's taking any toy Miles touches and just flinging it across the room. FLINGS it, as in if you are in the way of a flung object you are probably going to suffer multiple contusions, a broken bone or two, and maybe even a concussion.
He's just so DRAMATIC. The flinging is just one example. If he wants something he wants it five minutes ago and how come I didn't foresee his desire for a fruit bar (a fruit leather)? I should have KNOWN, and OHMYGODFRUITBARFRUITBARFRUITBAR!!!!!
Or, in the morning when I'm getting him a drink he wants WATER! and JUICE! and CHOCOLATE MILK! and I have to help him carry all three beverages into the living room because he needs all three. And if he doesn't get all three in about 35 seconds, or if give him the "wrong one" first? It's like a goddamn nuclear explosion in my kitchen. If it's in the wrong cup? Well, that pretty much ruins the whole day.
And, what? No cookies or fruities for breakfast? You may think this is good parenting but according to Oscar it's actually a very sophisticated and devious form of torture. CHOCOLATECOOKIESCHOCOLATECOOKIESCHOCOLATECOOKIES!
But, you know, of course he won't actually eat like an actual meal or anything. NO LUNCH! NO DIN DIN! NOOOOO! Most days he lives on pretzels, fruit leather, water, and air. Totally balanced. I can't figure out how he can eat so little and still have so much energy.
I just can't seem to rein him in. I try gentle discipline, "Oscar, we don't hit Miles. We don't hit anyone. Hitting hurts." He laughs. I try time outs. He alternately laughs and freaks the crap out. I demand he apologize; he refuses. I ask him if he will hit Miles again and he declares emphatically, "Yes!" Yesterday, he BIT Nelson on the arm and Oscar has never been a biter.
We have some good moments; the other day in Target when Oscar was supposed to be holding Nelson's hand and walking, but instead decided to lie down in the middle of the aisle and scream. I was able to pick him up, talk to him, and get him to walk nicely with me for the remainder of our shopping trip. I was calm and he was responsive and it was great. But this situation is the exception and not the rule.
I'm pretty good about not letting him see my frustration. I distract him from negative behaviors and reward him for good behaviors. It just that this does not seem to be working. He does not listen. Seriously, if he hadn't had a hearing test as an infant I'd doubt he could hear at all. I mean, how many times do I have to tell him he can't stand on the table? Five hundred times is not enough?
Do you want to hear about bed time? That's a whole post in itself. He goes freaking bonkers, BONKERS I tell you. I don't even know who that kid is. It's like he has springs in his shoes. Napping is hit or miss these days. I just cross my fingers and hope for the best.
I suppose this is why it's called TWO! and not just eh, two. This is also why I'm going CRAZY! and not just eh, crazy.