Monday, September 7, 2009

How to Successfully Road Trip with Two Small Children

Alternate Title: How to Unsuccessfully Road Trip with Two Small Children

Road trip! Road trip! Who's excited about eight hours in a car with two small children?

A recipe for disaster says you? Ah, but not if you are PREPARED!

Once you've finished your regular vacation packing (don't forget 14,000 extra outfits for the baby, which he will not need. Unless you don't pack them. Then he will need THEM ALL), it's time to pack for the trip.
  • You will need to pack a snack pack - a knapsack or backpack filled with you child's favorite juices, snacks, and water. Stock it full of fruit bars, pretzels, graham crackers, goldfish, cookies, apple juice, etc. Also throw in a few "special" snacks, like mini chocolate bars or Hersey Kisses. Something they don't often get. Don't forget to stash an extra pack of wipes in there.
  • You will also need a full diaper bag with for or five diapers and a full change of clothes for each kid, a full pack of wipes, and a stocked first aid kit.
  • You're going to want to pack a toy bag with small toys for each kid. Include favorites and a couple of new ones, for when things get hairy.
  • If you have it, a portable DVD player and favorite DVDs. This may save your life.

Wow, now doesn't that sound amazing? I mean, LOOK at all that STUFF. What could go wrong?

  • Children refuse any an all snacks by grinding them into dust and/or throwing them on the floor, demanding FRENCH FRIES! FRENCH FRIES! ad nauseum.
  • None of the bathrooms you stop at has a baby changing station. NOT ONE. They are also likely covered in flith, flam, FILTH.
  • Toys you pack SUCK and are unceremoniously thrown at parents and/or siblings heads.
  • After 30 minutes of one move, demands will be made for a NEW MOVIE. This will happen every 30 minutes into eternity.
  • Long legged toddler makes a game of kicking the back of the driver's seat. Again, into eternity.
  • Infant cries for 40 minutes, sleeps for an hour, cries for 40 minutes, ETERNITY. In the even the baby cries for LESS than 40 minutes, you can be sure your toddler will start wailing to get things going again.
  • Crying. In stereo.

As long as everyone arrives at your destination and no more than three (3) Band Aids were used, your trip is considered a SUCCESS!


Mrsbear said...

Hahahaha. Oh my, this was hilarious, only because it's so flipping accurate. We drove from Miami to Tennessee when our youngest was barely one. Every snack and toy I packed was disregarded in favor of screaming, he never napped for more than 30 minutes at a stretch. We were on the road for two days! To think, I packed books and a laptop for myself, thinking I'd get some quiet time on the road while my husband drove. I spent the entire trip, turned around completely in my seat trying to placate a little demon who would only be consoled by me putting goldfish crackers between his toes so he could pluck them out and eat them. Gross, I know. But desperate times call for desperate measures. Hoorah for your "success".

Anonymous said...

Oh god, that sounds depressingly familiar! I loved Mrsbear's bit about putting goldfish crackers between her baby's toes so he could pick them out and eat them. I think you should try that on your next trip (I certainly plan to).

Heather said...

Hmmm, road trips with toddlers or pulling finger nails out one by one...I think I would pull finger nails out. When we took our little one on a 6 hour road trip we packed a huge duffle bag of toys (she played with not one of them) as well as another duffle bag of stuffed animals. We had enough clothes to last two weeks but stayed only one. We brought WAY to much stuff, but had we not we probably would have regretted it. Next time I think the kitchen sink will go too. Glad you guys survived though!

Stimey said...

I'm going to throw this right back at you: It's so much funnier when these things happen to OTHER people. :)

Casey said...

Gah, my stomach is all nervous from reading this and imagining it happening in my car. Wait, it does. On any car ride over 20 minutes. And the grinding and throwing of snacks/crackers/anyfuckingthing we give them is a given no matter where we are.

FoN said...

Yeah.... I call this 'Thanksgiving'. With the addition of a disgruntled teenager, that is.

Sprite's Keeper said...

The fact that the driver made it alive is successful. Casualties for the other passengers are on a case by case basis. :-)

Diana said...

Ah, this reminds me of the fun drive we made with Olivia from DC to IL. By the end, we all fell apart.

Susanica said...

Huh? Your children are angels Jenni. I don't know what you are talking about.

Yes, traveling IS fun. I thought if I could sneakily scoop Danny up at 5 am for our 4 hour drive to NY last week he'd sleep most of the way. I am so niave! Glad you're back and I hope you had a blast. -Monica

Momma Mikki said...

Hmmmmm...we are doing a 4-6 hour drive on Saturday with the 2 1/2 year old and the almost 7 month old. I'm SOOOOOO excited. The only consolation is that the beach waits at the end! And...we have Grammy at the beach with us. Which MIGHT translate into at least one night off.

Keely said...

What, only 3 bandaids? No severed arteries? Definitely a success.