Monday, September 28, 2009

A Prescription for Insanity

The week Nelson was in Texas, I had to take Miles for his follow up with the pediatric allergist re: his eczema. I specifically selected a Friday that Nelson would be off of work so he could stay home with Oscar, but then he told me about this trip to Texas and I totally forgot to reschedule the appointment.

Truth? I totally forgot about the appointment until the day before, when they called to remind me. I so totally forgot that I had scheduled my contractor to come in and fix my kitchen ceiling and I had to call and cancel him.

Since I pretty much had no choice, I prepared to bring both boys to the appointment. I stocked my diaper back with snacks (including COOKIES!!) and several toys (a car, a truck, a magna doogle, a coloring toy) so that Oscar would be occupied. Also, I dressed them in matching outfits because AWWW!

And let the failure begin.

So, it's raining. Yuck. I arrive at the address fifteen whole minutes before my appointment and assemble the double stroller. Oscar REFUSES to get in. "I walk, I hold hands, no stroller, NO STROLLER." So of course he wins and I load up Miles and we go to head in, only to discover I'm on the wrong side of the building.

I make to walk around the building and as I get to the side, I see that there are STAIRS to get around the building because the building is situated on a hill. Yeah, I can't get my effing stroller up stairs, particularly as I'm now carrying Oscar, "Momma, hold you! Momma hold you! MOMMA HOLD YOU!" Then, I spied a handicap entrance and we used that because having two children is pretty hindering, if no outright handicapping.

We make it into the office and Oscar is ALARMED. He recognizes this as a doctor's office, where they gave him a flu shot the week prior, so he immediately starts in on, "Go home now. Go home. Want to go home, Momma, GO HOME!" and clings to me like a monkey while I check in.

Thankfully, we are called back pretty quickly. I take Miles out of his stroller so they can take his vitals and I put Oscar in so he won't run off. We get put in an exam room pretty quickly.

And that would be awesome except that the exam room is about the size of a broom closet. A broom closet in a doll house. It is freaking TINY. Like, so tiny that once we are inside, I cannot close the door because my stroller is blocking the doorway.

In this tiny broom closet there are two chairs (the stroller is parked in front of the chairs), an exam table, the doctor's stool, and a desk area w/drawers and such. There is not much room for Oscar to play. And, as I mentioned, the door is open. So, he makes a run for it six or eight times.

I finally get him back in the room and engaged w/the car and truck. Miles is at my feet playing with him. I'm in one of the chairs jammed behind the stroller. We've been waiting about 20 minutes.

A fellow comes in a talk with us for a few minutes and this goes well. I give Oscar the magna doodle; I hold Miles on my lap.

Ten more minutes pass and the actual doctor comes in with the fellow. Before he even gets there, I know it is too late. Oscar is asking to go home. Sacks and toys have been spent. This is not going to Go Well.

The doctor and the fellow cram into the room, which is so small the fellow is lounging on the exam table and the doctor is sitting about two feet away from me.

The allergist begins asking me about Miles; Oscar tries to climb on my lap with Miles.

The allergist examines Miles in my lap; Oscar begins hanging off of my shoulder and demanding to go home.

The allergist asks my opinion of skin testing; Oscar is asking me to draw him a robot, a plane, a helicopter, a goddamn ELEPHANT; I put Miles in the stroller.

The allergist agrees with me that skin testing is too invasive for Miles' condition; Oscar loses his crayon and goes ape shit.

The allergist asks me what I think of continued use of the steroid cream; Oscar starts TURNING THE LIGHT ON AND OFF OHMYGOD I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING.

The allergist assures me there will be no systemic involvement from the steroids; Oscar opens my diaper bag and starts flinging it's contents all over the room and ONTO DOCTORS BECAUSE I'VE RAISED A HEATHEN A HEATHEN A FLINGING HEATHEN.

The allergist encourages me to continue introducing Miles to new foods, soy, dairy, wheat, whatever; Oscar is DIVING FROM A CHAIR ONTO ME SHRIEKING TO GO HOME NOW BECAUSE HOLY CRAP I CANNOT CONTROL MY CHILD.

The allergist leaves and I start picking up the contents of my bag. A nurse come in with a scrip and tells me they will see me again in five months, unless things get worse.

I load up the boys and we head home. They both fall asleep in the car and I sit with them in the driveway for 30 minutes after we get home, just to enjoy the sweet, sweet, silence.


Krystal said...

you sure you weren't that fly on the wall at the Gastro appointment 2 months ago?

Here...have a'll make you feel better.

Captain Dumbass said...

That hurt just to read. Have two margaritas.

Susanica said...

Jenni. You must become a professional writer. You must. I'm laughing so hard I'm crying! -M

Heather said...

I know it is so wrong of me to find that story so amusing. Maybe because some of it sounds a bit similar to some of the things we've gone through with our little one.

I think Mom's deserve more freakin' respect than the president for being able to survive situations like what you went through at the doctors office.

Cara said...

Oh. Dear. God. This is me every time I have to take both kids to the doctor by myself.

Casey said...

Hah, welcome to every doctor's appointment I've ever been on. Graham always turns the lights off on the doctors but that's their problem for expecting me to keep my kids still and contained for that long. I've started bringing a fuckload of different snacks PLUS the DVD player (they watch Nemo and that's the ONLY place they're allowed to watch it so it's "special") so when we get in the exam room, I hit the lights, load them up with food and turn on the movie. Works like a charm but I only discovered it like a month ago. Oh, and I NEVER let those fuckers out of the stroller, ever. Learned that one the hard way.

Frogs in my formula said...

Oh my, how miserable. But funny. You poor thing. Just a 30-minute reprise? You deserve 30 days!

Veronica said...

Things are so different with 2 kids hey. And Amy is the same, perfectly behaved, until we're in the presence of other people, then ohmygod.

Aliceson said...

I always find it amazing that docs. keep talking while all Hell is breaking loose like everything is normal! "How about a new skin cream?"

Heidi said...

Wow - what a mess. You definitely deserve a drink after that. Why they load up those tiny rooms with masses of furniture is beyond me. What I do - with 3 monkeys and the biggest stroller in history - is put the blasted chairs in the hall when I get there. I never thought to do this myself - it took a nurse to tell me (talk about a "well, duh" moment!) and I've done it ever since. Then again, if my kid (any of them) needs to be in the stroller for their safety/my sanity, they're IN the stroller, screaming fit and all. And honestly, the screaming never lasts more than 2 minutes if I strap them in and ignore them. Of course, it seems like an eternity. Trust me, this will get easier. Or maybe I've become immune... Better luck next time!

Sprite's Keeper said...

You poor thing! I can almost see it perfectly!

Mrsbear said...

And of course the Dr. just keeps on talking because even though he's a medical professional he can't immediately recognize the fact that you're losing your mind. Yay for napping toddlers. Dr. appts suck ass.

Erin said...

two kids at the dr is the WORST. especially when it's an appt for the baby. no matter what you do/bring/how tired the toddler is, it always goes badly and you leave wondering what the hell you just spent your $15/$20 to find out b/c you couldn't hear a freaking word!

good for you for going and for handling all this while your husband was out of town! that's tough!

Anonymous said...

Jenni, not sure if this will help... My daughter also suffers from eczema, the dermo prescribed 'Protopic' ointment. Clears it right up. Granted, she doesn't have it nearly as bad as Miles, but thought I'd share. Good Luck!

JennyMac said...

what a day!

And sometimes that car ride nap is just SO perfect.

Anonymous said...

Believe me when I say, doctors have seen it ALL. Yours aren't the worst- even when it seems like it. When stuff like that happens most doc's will laugh about it later if not at the moment. Kids are nuts. I spent 45 minutes in Brody's first grade class today and damn... It will get worse before it gets better but just think of all the stories you'll be able to tell their girlfriends when they grow up, lol!