Thursday, October 8, 2009

The Coffee, Oh, the Coffee

Coffee. I love coffee. I didn't always love coffee. The love affair began after college, when I to get up at the ungodly hour of 7AM (heh) and report to work each day.

I was an office coffee drinker. I never drank coffee at home; there wasn't time. I would just slog to work in a sleepy haze. It was no biggie because I took public transportation. At my various jobs I either fixed myself a cup of office coffee or stopped off at Starbucks on my way in. Most days, I only had one cup. It was all I needed.

Nelson has loved coffee for many, many years. As long as we've lived together (nine years!!) he's always made coffee at home and brought it with him to work in a thermos. For the past maybe five years we've had a programmable coffee pot, so Nelson would grind the beans and fill the coffee maker with water at night and wake to a full, hot, carafe in the morning.

I was off coffee while pregnant with Oscar and for the first six months after he was born. But then, I started taking care of Danny so I asked Nelson to leave me a cup in the morning. So, instead of making his usual six cups, he started making eight cups.

Most mornings it was fine, but for the first six months or so, I'd have one or two mornings a week with no coffee. Nelson would forget to leave it for me, or forget to make two extra cups, I don't know. But after months of haranguing, he finally started to remember consistently. And, yes, I could just make two cups of coffee for myself but that is a colossal pain the in the ass for me,what with the cleaning of the pot and the measuring and the grinding and etc., and making two extra cups is pretty damn easy for him.

About six months ago, I realized that I needed/wanted/whatever MORE coffee in the morning. So, I asked my husband to make two extra cups. To increase the amount of coffee he made from eight to ten cups. He agreed.

Now, instead of leaving me two cups (and this was really only like one cup), he'd be leaving me four cups (which is really only like two cups) and he would continue to take the same six cups he's taken for basically the entire nine years we've lived together. Sounds simple, yes?

Yeah, that be a big N-O, hosses. He is still not leaving me enough coffee. We keep having the SAME EXACT conversation about it, and it goes like this:

Jenni: You didn't leave me enough coffee this morning. Again.

Nelson: What?

Jenni: You didn't leave me enough coffee this morning again.

Nelson: Really?

Jenni: Really. Even though I've been asking you to leave me more coffee for like six months.

Nelson: But I left you two cups.

Jenni: Right. You always leave me two cups. You've always left me two cups. It's not enough. It never has been. This is why I asked you to leave me more.

Nelson: But I make ten cups every morning!

Jenni: I know. You make ten cups because I asked you to, so you could leave me more. You used to make eight cups, remember?

Nelson: So, what happens to the extra two cups?

Jenni: You just take more coffee for yourself. Coffee that you don't even drink, I might add (Jenni shakes half-full coffee thermos.)

Nelson: Huh.

Jenni: Yeah, so I asked you to make more coffee so you could leave me more and instead you made more and took more for yourself. And then you don't even drink it. And I don't have enough coffee.

Nelson: I guess I'll just have to make eleven cups.

Jenni: Or, you could just keep making ten and take six, like you always have, and leave me four, since you are not even drinking the extra coffee you have been taking to work.

Nelson: You need FOUR cups of coffee?

Jenni: YOU'RE NOT EVEN DRINKING IT! What are you, some kind of coffee hoarder? Why do we keep having this conversation?!

Nelson: Yeah, okay, I'll leave you the coffee.

Jenni: That's all I'm asking. LEAVE ME THE COFFEE.

It always go like that, then he'll leave me appropriate coffee for about two weeks, then go back to taking the extra coffee for himself THE SELFISH BASTARD. (I am kidding. About the bastard part. His parents were totally married when he was born.)

Can you believe he does that? Takes the extra coffee I specifically requested? After I MAKE HIS LUNCH and stuff. Here I am the PERFECT WIFE and this is what he does to me. He takes my goddamn coffee. (Again, kidding. I'd never curse coffee. I also may have one or two flaws. Like my irrational irritability about things like coffee.)

I mean if he was drinking it I think I'd be less annoyed. Okay, I would not be less annoyed but at least I could UNDERSTAND that, I could understand him needing/wanting/whatever more coffee. But, no. He is not drinking it. It is sad, wasted, coffee. Coffee that was very much wanted, but could not be drunk (drank? drunken?).

The fact that it just keeps happening and we just keep having the SAME converstion makes me feel like I'm taking crazy pills. I mean, it's like my husband is trying to turn me into some coffee deprived lunatic. Except how is that good for him? I assure you it is NOT good for him. I mean, have you read this post? I'm like stark raving over two freaking cups of coffee. GAH!

This is the sad, sad state of coffee affairs in my home and also a little peek into my domestic insanity. You're welcome.


Cameron said...

If you want something done right... :)

Sprite's Keeper said...

John was not a coffee drinker until he met me. Now, I have to remind him about the budget due to his repeated trips to Starbucks. We coffee drinkers don't need to convert people. We just marry them. :-)

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

oh that was funny Jenni...I am not a coffee drinker but a tea drinker and i can relate : )

Captain Dumbass said...

I totally understand where you're coming from.

blissfully caffeinated said...

That's such a man thing. I have similar issues with my husband who for some reason, if he makes coffee, will only make like 4 or 6 cups. I don't get it. Why not just go for it and fill the freaking pot up? My suggestion to you? Get a second coffee pot for yourself. Or a French press. I hear from over at the Dayton Times that the French press is the way to go. Then Nelson can take as much coffee as he wants and you are not left with two pitifully scorched cups of coffee for yourself. It sounds drastic, but coffee is serious business. I myself will be purchasing an espresso machine after I get the new babeh's caffeine tolerance up to par. :)

Jamie said...

So timely. Nick made coffee this morning and I asked him to bring me a cup while I got ready. He brought me a travel cup and then proceeded to dump whatever was left in the pot. So no refill for me. I was NOT happy, I was looking forward to that refill. Instead I had to drink nasty work coffee this morning. Seems trivial but you do not mess with people's coffee.

Michele Renee said...

Just how the heck big is that travel cup he is taking? Is it about the size of the coffee pot??
My hubs and I once had to have our own iron. Not the same thing, I know....
My hubs does not drink coffee. I make my own every morning. Weekend mornings too. I make his lunch every day. I'm getting pissed off now. Actually I once yelled down to him to make it for me and he used TWO coffee filters accidentally. So make it myself I will.

Cara said...

I think I need to go make another pot right now...

Mrsbear said...

Coffee should never be wasted. It's sad. I actually did convert my husband in to a coffee drinker, not to mention getting him hooked on chocolate and baked goods. Yeah, I'm an enabler. Tell your husband to stop wasting coffee lest the coffee gods strike him with a migraine.

Keely said...

Go with a french press. That way, you get your own coffee AND it's better than his ;)

Becky said...

OMG! I have no solution for you, but that would make me slap crazy.

Casey said...

Hmm, I guess you'll just have to start loading up the boys and driving thru some place for coffee. Then Nelson would leave you more when he saw the 100+ a month spent on drive thru coffee.

Anonymous said...

Too funny. My dad moved in with us when Sterling was a wee little thing and I had to double the coffee I made in the morning. I am sure you recall my insane coffee drinking ways and dad was just as bad. I always took more than my fair share, lol. Even now I have a hard time making more coffe when I have my manfriend over in the mornings and it's even worse if the ex shows up early and takes the last little bit without it being offered. I hate coffee theives and when they only take a sip that makes it all the worse. As I tell the patients every morning, COFFEE is the most important meal of the day!

Heather said...

Finally, the coffee story. Sounds like something my husband would do. The coffee is meant to be cherished and enjoyed, not sadly left behind in the thermos all day.

jen said...

have you ever looked at the actual size of an intended cup of coffee? i think my pot says that a cup is some crazy number like 5 oz. yet ... a cup is some crazy number like 8 oz.
(yes ... fully accepting the fact that i have obsessed over this for the past 2 years.)
so ... even if you were to leave 2 "cups" of coffee in the pot. it's really only 1 + an itty bitty amount for the next cup.
oh ... shush. i should have used this useful piece of information for my coffee post tomorrow.