Tuesday, October 13, 2009


Remember this? When Miles nearly choked to death on a mouthful of junk he found on my floor? Since then, I've been watching mi amigo Miles LIKE A HAWK. Anytime boyfriend mashes his jaws I am in like Flynn checking out the situation.

Do you know what I've discovered? He ALMOST ALWAYS has something in his mouth - bits of food, lint, dog hair, dirt, microscopic pieces of paper - you name it, I've found it in his mouth.


I decided to start...investigating...his poop. Too see if there were any non-digestables in there. And was there ever. Little bits of paper, hair, lint, string, all manner of little bitty bits that a baby should NOT be eating. And this was after I became super vigilant.

At first I was like "What the hell, Miles William? Are you starving? Are you teething? ARE YOU TRYING TO DRIVE ME INSANE?" And then I was like "Am I the most neglectful mother EVER? How on earth is it possible that my baby is eating so man non-food items (NFOs)?"

But now, I think not. I think Miles is just a particularly mouthy baby. I mean, all babies are mouthy to some extent at this age, but I think Miles is just really particularly so. Because we did not have this issue with Oscar. Yes, he's put things in his mouth. He even made a game of it after a while. However, even at his worst Oscar was never even half as bad as Miles with the things in the mouth.

Here is an abbreviated list of things I've pulled Miles William's mouth in the past week (and by "pulled out of his mouth" I mean pried open his steel-clamped jaws and did battle against his razor-like teeth to remove these objects):
  • Leaves
  • Grass
  • Dime-sized piece of stick
  • Dime-sized stone
  • Stale cheerio
  • Corn-chip fragment
  • Dog hair (may times)
  • Small pieces of paper
  • A used Band-Aid (thanks to Oscar) (OHMYGODSODISGUSTING!!!)
  • Stuffed animal fur
  • Dirt (many times)
  • Crayons
  • A piece of felt-food butter (my sister-in-law actually pulled this one out)
  • Various unidentified NFOs

An impressive list, yes? Impressive until you here what he tried to eat on Sunday. His NFO pièce de résistance, if you will.

I saw him grab something and said to Nelson, "Get him. He has something in his mouth," and Nelson scooped him up and I noticed Miles had this awful look on his face.

"Well, I whatever he's eating doesn't taste very good," I joked.

And for the first time in the history of Miles William, that boy opened his mouth right up and let me sweep it clear.

It was one of these ugly mother effers. That would be a stink bug, my friends and it was still alive when I pulled it out (GAH, I touched a stink bug! I touched a stink bug! EWEWEWEW!) Miles ate a stink bug. Or rather he put a stink bug in his mouth and it RELEASED IT'S STINK when it (correctly) identified Miles as a predator. Apparently that stink tastes about as good as it smells since he so willingly let me remove it.

He had watery eyes and stinky breath but was otherwise fine.

If you are thinking that he perhaps maybe learned his lesson after his stinky experience, you'd be wrong. Just this morning I pulled out a piece of aggregate (NELSON) from his mouth. Why is it that I have a sinking feeling there are a lot more calls to poison control in my future?


Vandylea said...

I have an eight month old son who is just getting started with the monthy thing. He just loves to grab the dog's fur and commence snacking. He is not quite mobile yet so has a limited range to find things to stick in his mouth but if he can reach it, in it goes. I to forsee the mystery diaper finds and frantic mouth sweeps. In fact, I got my first diaper find(also disgusting: a string or bunch of hair strung together hanging out(EWWWWW)a couple of diaper changes ago. How can they look so charming and cute and eat things so gross?

Sprite's Keeper said...

*gasp* Can't breathe cuz I'm choking on my LAUGHTER!
Oh that poor kid! At least you can use this for bargaining when he becomes a picky eater.
"What, you won't eat meatloaf yet you willingly put a STINK BUG in your mouth?

Casey said...

OMG, gross. Grooooooooosss. We have to be on 24/7 watch because Elliot (and Graham before her) does the same shit. Oh, and look for an upcoming post about her eating a random hunk of poop she found on the floor at Gymboree. How's that for a stink bug?

Jenn said...

If you hold his nose, his mouth will pop right open.

Susanica said...

Eww..! Does aggregate Nelson mean that Nelson brought home a rock? -M

jessicaprudencio said...

That's like me with the dogs, lol! They eat everything and I have found some strange things... very strange things. Lena was the one who ate all kinds of stuff off the floor only to crap it out later for me. A very shocked me. The Barbie shoe was the best though. You aren't the worst, what we can't digest we poop out. Wait till you are old with dementia... taht is when the real fun begins :)

Mrsbear said...

OH no! I can't believe he caught the bug, much less have the nerve to put it in his mouth. Gah! Aside from the smell and taste, I'm sure the sensation of something wriggling in his mouth kind of ruined the experience for him. You've got your hands full. You're a great mom. You're baby just happens to examine everything with his mouth. He's experimenting with the world around him...and you're sanity. ;)

Becky said...

Oh noooo, not a bug! He does sound mouthy! I think if he didn't pick it up in the bathroom, and it's not chokable, I'd let the NFO's go.

It reminds me of a story my mother loves to tell about me. I was crawling around mouthing something, and she extracted a thumbtack and a dead roach.

I need to go boil my face now.

Veronica said...

I think I just wet myself laughing. Jenni, even though it sucks, you're funny.

Isaac licks the carpet. That's ... less than pleasant.

elizabeth said...

My worst parenting moment ever? Madden popped a RAZOR BLADE in her mouth. Yup, a RAZOR BLADE. Didn't even know we had one laying around? Why? I guess it was for the exacto blade or something. Better believe we baby proofed after that. I still shiver when I think about it.

Heather said...

It makes you wonder when they will start being discrimate with their tastes! A stink bug! OMG, gross...and to have to touch it to get it out...even more ewww!

Captain Dumbass said...

My oldest unplugged his baby monitor from the a/c adapter once and stuck the cord in his mouth. He DID learn from that lesson.

FoN said...

Okay, I'd feel really bad for you if that wasn't so frickn' hilarious. Ew - stinkbug. Can I just assume that's what you call him now? It's stories like this that give people life long nicknames like 'fish' or 'worm'.