Thursday, July 30, 2009

Some Days this Blog Writes Itself

Scene: Yesterday evening, post bath. Oscar has dashed, naked, from the bathroom into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom. Mommy follows about 10 seconds behind, and finds Oscar on top of the bed and a large puddle of liquid beside the bed.

Mommy: Oscar, did you pee-pee on the floor?

Oscar: Yeah, I making mess with penis.

Mommy: Oscar, what? What did you just say?

Oscar: I making mess with penis, Mom! I making mess with penis.

Daddy: Hahaha! Technically, he's right.

Mommy sighs.

End Scene

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Wordless Wednesday #8: Not Quite Dopplegangers

Oscar and Miles (respectively), each around 6.5/7 months.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

RTT: I'm Getting my Ass Kicked Over Here

*All of my recent calls to Poison Control are making me feel like an epic parenting failure. I mean, who calls Poison Control three times in a week? It's killing me.

*I'm taking Miles to a pediatric allergist about his eczema next week. Even after the heavy duty corticosteroids, it was weeping and cracking again in a week. Awesome.

*Remember that post I wrote about having no friends? Well, my friends came out of the woodwork after that. It seems that even if they aren't calling they are reading my blog, and I actually have some pretty amazing friends. So, I've had all kinds of things to do - with and without the kids. It's been nice. I feel almost normal again.

*Speaking of normal, all the really gorgeous, low humidity, 80 degree days we've had the past several weeks in DC are gone overnight. We're back to our muggy, swamp-like conditions: 90 degree heat with a million percent humidity. The air is thick. It's awful. Especially because along with the awful heat are mosquitos and Oscar is particularly reactive to them. And they bite him everywhere. Like, on his face. So, he gets these gigantic red spots on his face and it looks just awful. And he scratches the hell out of them and I can't put any cream on them because because they are on his face. Poor kid looks like he has acne and he's only two.

*Miles is huge. Like, gigantic. He's wearing stuff that Oscar was wearing last summer, when Oscar was 13 months. Miles is seven months. He's nearly 20 pounds (not that huge) but he's over 30 inches (freaking enormous.)

*Oscar is TWO! Really, really TWO! It is not always going well. I mean, that's rather obvious with all the calls to Poison Control, but it's more than that. I can't even talk about it right now. I've been working on a whole post about it, but the whole situation just wrecks me. Sigh. The parenting stuff is hard.

*Miles is CRAWLING. Not a lot or for significantly long distances, but he's definitely crawling. He pulls himself forward with his arms quite well, and is even starting to use his knees. He has the whole lunge-forward-from-sitting-onto-belly-without-maiming-self maneuver already down pat. Things are about to get ugly around here. Who am I kidding? I called Poison Control three times last week. Things are already ugly around here. Hell is about to break loose is more apt. If I don't post for a week or more, please send out the gaurd. As in the National Gaurd. Because my house is probably a war zone.

Thanks to Keely for the random. Pop over to her place, grab a button, link up, have fun.

randomtuesday

Monday, July 27, 2009

This is My Life. For Real.

How bout my post about calling Poison Control last week? You guys LOVED that shit. You ate it up. Google analytics tell me so. Man, I think I'm so funny.

And then I had to call Poison Control again on Friday because Oscar was sucking down a tube of hydrocortisone. I saw him with it in his hand, asked Nelson (who as about five inches away) to take it from Oscar because it is POISON. He did, but instead of putting the tube out of reach, Nelson put the tube about a foot away from Oscar. It took Oscar all of 30 seconds to just grab it again, take the lid off, and start squeezing it in his mouth.

Luckily, despite the warning on the tube (If ingested seek medical attention immediately, or contact Poison Control) hydrocortisone is non toxic, and we were instructed to follow it with water and he would be fine. He was.

But then I had to call Poison Control again on Saturday when we were at my in-laws. Nelson had gone to the bathroom and I had both boys in the kitchen. Oscar walked out to the living room, where all the toys are, and before I could even get to him I heard a THUMP! He came running back into the kitchen saying, "OW, Momma! I hurt eye! I hurt eye! Eye hurt!"

Because of the THUMP, I assumed he'd fallen and hit his eye. This happens to Oscar all the time. I asked him if he wanted me to kiss it and he said yes. Well, when I leaned it to kiss it, I was overwhelmed with it's floral scent.

WHAT? His eye smells like FLOWERS?

When I looked more closely at his eye, which was getting redder and more swollen by the minute.

"NELSON!"

"Yeah?" (he just returned from the bathroom.)

"Is there an air freshener in your parents living room?"

Nelson rushes in to the living room, and returns with an air freshener.

A motion activated air freshener.

With a button on it.

And a bright red light on the button. Or, a toddler beacon, as Nelson so aptly named it.

I opened the packaged and read the instructions. Harmful if sprayed in eyes - flush eye for 2o minutes.

Now, even though I know that you are always supposed to call Poison Control first, we just went ahead and flushed his eye because we knew how to do it. To get the water lukewarm; how to tilt his head so it ran it; how to pin him just right so that he couldn't move.

Well, this time was even more awful than the last because he knew it was coming and tried to escape. He was crying, "NO! NO! Hurt eye! Hurt eye!" And then, as I was holding there he started saying, "Take nap now! Take nap now!" as though he thought we were flushing his eye as some kind of punishment for not napping (he actually had napped that day.)

Nelson's mom came in and took Miles so Nelson could help me and Nelson started yelling at her for having the motion activated air freshener complete with toddler beacon sitting on the end table in the room with all of the toys. Not his finest moment, but he was understandably stressed as Oscar was screaming and flailing in my arms.

After I finished and we had dried Oscar off and put him in dry clothes I noticed that the eye was still very red so I did call Poison Control. They assured me we'd acted properly and told me to call back if in an hour. If his eye had not improved by then, I'd have to flush it again. He also informed me that grandparents houses are one of the most dangerous places for toddlers; they are not used to having them around so they don't take all the proper precautions (like putting motion activated air fresheners out of reach of children.)

He was fine; his regular non-sharing, quick to tantrum, quick to get over it self. And, I learned four things:



1) Just because something says, "If ingested, seek immediate medical attention or contact Poison Control," doesn't mean that the item is toxic. These warning are just meant to scare the shit out of parents.

2) Always do a sweep of grandparents house prior to letting the kids run free.

3) If there is anything even moderately possibly potentially poisonous or dangerous anywhere in Oscar's vicinity, he is going to find it, eat it, or put it in his eyes.

4) Do not make jokes with the Poison Control nurses about talking to them again soon. Because really, that is not funny. Well, not for me anyways.

I think Poison Control and I are going to have a long and beautiful relationship.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

I've Got Your Number

"Poison Control."

"My kid just ate silica gel?"

"How old is he?"

"Two, he's two. I found him with the packet ripped open and one in his mouth. I don't know how many pieces he ate before I got to him."

"Okay. Silica gel is non toxic. It's used in purses and shoes to absorb moisture. As long as he's not choking on it, he should be fine."

"Okay, great."

"Just treat him as you normally do. We have a new policy of calling back now, even in non-poison cases. What is your phone number?"

"XXX-XXX-XXXX"

"And you're at XXXX XXXXXXX Road?"

"Yes, that's us."

"Okay, my name is Susan and we'll call you back later."

**********

Yeah, so remember all those months ago when I called Poison Control the first time and was totally freaked out? Well guess how many times I've called them since then. Four. The culprits:

Ingested Jet Dry (non-toxic; encourage fluids)
Ingested Vaseline (non-toxic; has a laxative effect)
Sprayed Oxy Clean in eyes (holy mother of God did this one suck)
Silica Gel (non-toxic; no effect)

The Oxy Clean was really the only scary one, and it wasn't so much scary as it was just completely awful. I had been pre-treating laundry while both kids were napping. This was maybe four months ago, when Miles was still crapping out his diaper like three times a day, so pre-treating laundry was a huge part of my life.

Oscar woke up; I went upstairs to get him; I fixed him lunch and sat him down at his table to eat. Miles woke up; he had (of course) completely crapped out his diaper; I left Nelson in charge while I went upstairs looking for a fresh outfit.

"JENNI! JENNI!" Nelson called up to me urgently.

"What?"

And he didn't' respond, so I just figured it was nothing. Let me be clear - Nelson calls me "urgently" when he can't find the peanut butter, or his shoes. Usually for very non-urgent things. So when he didn't respond to me, I assumed it was something non-urgent.

When I got down stairs about one minute later, Oscar was wet and crying and Miles was screaming in the Pack-n-Play (Miles was fine - just pissed off at being mostly naked.)

"What happened?"

"Oscar sprayed Oxy Clean in his eyes."

"What?!"

"He just picked up the bottle and sprayed it directly into his eyes. He said 'Ow.'"

"Holy shit! What did Poison Control say?"

"I don't know; I didn't call them. I rinsed out his eye though."

So, I called poison control and they informed us that we needed to rinse his eye out for FIFTEEN MINUTES BY THE CLOCK and to call her back as soon as we had finished. Do you know how long fifteen minutes is when you are holding a squirming 30lb toddler's eye open under a constant stream of water? It's an eternity.

It was torture. I mean, actual torture. We basically water boarded our toddler for fifteen minutes, while Miles screamed in the other room. At first, Oscar was screaming, "STOP! NO! NO! NO!" and attempting to use Nelson's shirt to pull himself out of the stream of water. That went on for ten minutes (or ten hours, take your pick.) The last five minutes, he just sobbed and sucked his thumb; resigned to his fate, he didn't' even fight back.

When it was all over, Nelson held him on his lap for five minutes, until Oscar declared, "All done!" and resumed playing.

I called back Poison Control and the nurse instructed me to monitor his eye and if it got more red or began watering profusely or if he was complaining about it or poking at it a lot we needed
to take him to the ER. She was going to call back in the evening to check on him.

I was pretty embarrassed. This was our third call to Poison Control in six weeks.

"Jesus, Nelson, they probably have a freaking file on us. We suck so bad. We let our kid poison
himself like every other week."

"Jenni, the do not have a file on us. They are confidential. And there are definitely worse parents
out there than us."

I was unconvinced, but we went about our day. Oscar's eye was fine. I was putting him to bed that night when I hears the phone ring. I assumed it was Poison Control following up.

When I came downstairs I asked, "Was that Poison Control? What did you tell them? What did they say?"

"They said they are sending someone by tomorrow to inspect our house and talk to us about safety."

I think all the color must have drained from my face. I know I stopped breathing. I knew it! We were sucky parents and Poison Control was going to come to our house and tell us all about it.

"Ha ha! Jenni, I'm just kidding! I told them Oscar was fine and that was it."

"You asshole. That was not funny. You suck."

**********

"Hello?"

"Hi, this is Susan from Poison Control. I'm just calling to follow up on your toddler who ate the silica gel. How is he?"

"Well, he's refusing to share, throwing his food, and having a tantrum. So, the same as usual."

"Great! Have a good one."

"We will. Talk to you soon."

Monday, July 20, 2009

Robops

On Tuesday, I put on Sesame Street for Oscar while Danny was napping and I was nursing Miles. It was an episode called the Help-O-Bots. In the episode, Elmo, Telly, and Rosita dress up as the Help-O-Bots after Chris reads them the story of Rico, The Very Helpful Robot.


We came into the episode after the story, when the monsters were already dressed as robots. Oscar got very quiet and was watching them closely. The scene played out and the monsters-as-robots exited the stage. Then, Rico, the actual robot, came into the scene.


Oscar, who was standing up, started backing slowly toward me (I was sitting on the couch, nursing.) He pointed to the screen, "What dat?" he asked.


"That's a robot," I told him.


"Robop."


"Yes, a robot."


Then, Rico started talking.


And Oscar completely lost his shit.


He started totally flipping out in a way I have never seen before. He was terrified. He was instantly sobbing and cry and climbing over top of Miles into my lap and he stayed in this state until I was able to get to the remote and change the station.


"It's okay, Oscar, the robot is all gone. The robot is all gone."


"Robop all gone! Robop all gone!"


"It's okay, bud, he's gone."


For the rest of the day, he'd just randomly stop what he was doing, get all weepy and ask, "Robop all gone?" and he'd keep asking until he felt sufficiently reassured that the robot was indeed gone and not returning.


But, there are kind of a lot of robots in children's programming and we saw like every single one of them over the next few days and he had a mini meltdown every time.

Two nights later when I was putting him to bed, he somehow got it in his head that there were robots outside of his room. I had to show him there were none, but he was so scared. When I took him too the door he was clinging to me, like he thought I was going to throw him to the robots.


He proceed to sob in my arms, about robops downstairs, robops coming out of the TV(!!), robops coming, robops hurting! Being that I'm also pretty afraid of robots myself, he was kind of creeping me out.


After almost and hour, I got him to calm down and go to sleep. The next night when he started melting down about robots, he and I erected a robot force field outside of his door and that seemed to work pretty well and he fell asleep much more quickly. Each night that followed got easier and easier, though he has been waking with (robop filled?) nightmares.


Part of me wonders if he didn't sense me getting tense when the robot came on screen. I mean, I wasn't exactly afraid of Rico, but I was thinking about how I don't think robots are cute and funny and I'd prefer them to not be on shows my kid watches.


Whatever the reason, my kid is afraid of robots. He's completely undisturbed by thunder, loud noises, strangers, doctors, snakes, bugs, dogs, the water, bigger kids, falling down, the dark, monsters, or anything else little kids are supposed to fear. Just robots.


I think I'm going to invest in some new bedtime reading.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Motherhood Can Be Lonely

Today, my very good friend D is closing on her house and moving back to her home state, Illinois. I've known her for many years (nine? ten?) and I'm going to miss her like crazy. We met when we volunteered together; we then worked together briefly; we became friends. We have laughed together; cried together; confided in each other. Most recently we shared our first pregnancies and have been navigating the rough waters of new motherhood together. Her advice and support have been invaluable. I will miss that.

Her departure has really highlighted how disconnected I feel from many of my friends; the friends she and I have shared over the years. I was the first in this group to become pregnant and have a baby and I was thrill when D found out she was pregnant just a few months after me.

She has been there for me - she has continued to call me; to visit with me; to invite me to do things and go places. Many of my other friends have not. I'm often not included on the list of invitees for a movie night or an afternoon at the pool or dinner parties or drinks after work or trips to the mall. Where I used to be included I'm now left out. With D's departure, I worry that I will be forgotten completely.

Parenthood can be hard on friendships. This is something that none of the books tell you, how to navigate friendship post partum. I know it has been difficult for some of my friends to accept; my new identity as mom, my new job as stay-at-home mother. It's been hard for me, too.

I make excuses for them. They don't know what is a good time to call, so they just don't call at all. They think it will be too difficult for me to find a sitter at the last minute so they don't invite me to impromptu happy hours or movie nights. They think toddlers are too much of a handful to invite to cook outs or pool parties; that I'll just spend all my time chasing them and not have any fun. But, they could still call right? Invite me even though they think I won't attend? Just so I won't feel like a friendless loser?

And, it's my fault too. I don't call either. I don't invite anyone over. I'm tired all the time. All I talk about is my kids. Maybe that's it? I'm just not all that interesting anymore?

There's also the fact that in the past two years, their lives have changed as well. There have been new jobs and new homes and new relationships and break ups and graduate school and millions of other life changes. So possibly this growing apart would have happened anyways and that it has nothing, or very little, to do with my status as SAHM of two. But I doubt that, as many of them are still very connected to one another. It feels very much like I am the only one on the outside.

And, it's not to say none of my old friends ever call. My friend Amy came over this week to help with the boys when I asked; she regularly emails to touch base. My friend Kate always makes sure I'm on the invite list for happy hours, even though she knows that chances of my making it in to DC during happy hour (= dinner, bed, bath time in these parts) are slim to none. I am invited to wine club events, when they occur. But my other friend Kate (I know lots of Kates and Amys, what can I say)? I haven't heard from her since shortly before I had Oscar. She didn't even call after he was born to congratulate me. I was so hurt, I never bothered to call her again.

This has been a hard pill to swallow, feeling left out. It was harder after Oscar; I've come to accept it now that I'm entering my third year of motherhood. I've made some new friends, but I'm not a playgroup Mommy so it's been tough. I've reconnected with some old friends who are parents of small children close in age to my own. That has been incredibly gratifying and I am thankful beyond words for them. They keep me centered; they make me feel connected; they validate my feelings and frustrations; they get me out of the house. Some of them live hundreds or thousands of miles away, but I still count them among my closest friends these days. I know I'm lucky to have them in my life.

I miss very little about my life before Oscar and Miles were born. I do not miss my office job. I do not miss my fancy clothes or expensive hair cuts. I do not miss drinking to excess or the way it left me feeling the next morning. But I do miss my friends.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

RTT: Stealing my Own Comments

*I was reading Casey's RTT post and it reminded me of when I was grocery store cashier in college. I never started conversations with customers. In fact, I barely noticed them. Nelson and my friends would make a game of coming through my line to see if I even notice them. When it was busy, I rarely did. Anyway, I always said, "Hi, how are you?" to my customers and if they decided to pursue a conversation, I obliged. Well, one day this lady who was accompanied by her teenage daughter and her daughter's friend was chatting me up. About my nail polish, I think. And then she said, "Oh, I better stop talking to you. It embarrasses my daughter when I talk to cashiers." I wanted to respond, "Well, I'm embarrassed that your daughter is such a snotty bitch," but I didn't because I was a good cashier. And I didn't want to get fired.

*The roofers are coming tomorrow to fix our porch roof. I'm glad it's finally going to be done, but sad to have to part with thousands of my dollars. I'm also really afraid that once they tear off my roof, they are going to tell me that there is some significant damage and it's going to be thousands more dollars than we anticipated. That would suck for all involved being that I only have enough thousands to fix what was quoted.

*I've figured out how to get Oscar to share with Danny. I just have to give a toy to Miles. Then, Oscar takes the toy from Miles and gives it to Danny. Apparently, sharing with Miles is WAY more terrible than sharing with Danny.

*CIO update: This shit sucks. It was put on hold due to a nasty cold Miles picked up and the second round is not going so well. Especially since Nelson is out of town so I'm pretty much on my own and it's much harder to listen to the crying by myself.

*Nelson is in Wyoming. Horse country. I've somehow finagled my family and friends into helping me out with the boys every day of the week except for Wednesday and Friday. So far, even with help, the past two nights without Nelson have involved really high dramatics from both of my kids so I can't even imagine what's going to happen when I try to wrangle them myself. I imagine it's going to be about as much fun as jamming a hot poker in my eye, but I could be wrong. Not likely, though.

*I had to bring Miles to the pediatrician for his eczema last Friday. I felt kind of stupid for bringing him in for a common rash, but it was cracking and oozing and all kinds of nasty. I got the good parent award though because the doctor (not the asshole, thank god) said it did need to be treated and that I was doing everything right with my home treatment - Miles just has a bad case. It's a million times better today, after five days of treatment and I'm very pleased. I don't like it when my kids ooze.

Check out Keely for some more random:
randomtuesday

Monday, July 13, 2009

Dear So and So...Volume 1

Dear Oscar,

Please stop being a total jerk-face. The appropriate response to Danny taking your Toon Car is NOT to take it back and beat him over the head with it. This only results in Danny crying, Mommy taking the toy from both of you, and you crying. Nobody wins.

It is also not okay for you to hit Miles in the head with any of the following objects: sippy cups; wooden puzzles; balls; Hot Wheels; books of any kind; blocks, wooden or plastic; your feet; your head; any of your tractors. I like Miles' head and would like it to remain dent free.

Also, I understand that you enjoy rolling on the floor and laughing with Miles. I enjoy it too. But you CANNOT clothesline him to get him down. He's only six months old. Full-on wrestling moves must saved until he is at least one year old. After that, it's fair game; I promise.

Love,
Mom

**********

Dear Danny,

Let me start by apologizing for the thunking your head sustained at the hands of my son this morning. That was a bad moment for all of us, and I'm glad you're feeling better.

However, I must ask that you expand your toy selection criteria to include those that are not in Oscar's hands. I realize that seeing him with a toy makes it look all the more fun, but you taking (or even just attempting to take) toys directly from his hands can only end badly (see paragraph above.) Once he puts the toys down, they are fair game (and completely unappealing, I know.)

Looking out for your best interests,
Jenni

**********

Dear Friends and Family Who Gave Oscar Gifts for his Birthday,

Thank you notes are done and waiting to be addressed. This means you could get your note as soon as this week or as late as never. Please consider yourselves thanked.

Regards,
Jenni

**********

Dear 31 Pounds of Fat No Longer on my Body,

I don't miss you one bit. Good riddance.

Pffft,
Jenni

Thursday, July 9, 2009

A Sweet Lunch


Jenni: Are you hungry?

Oscar: Hmmmm...

Jenni: Do you want nuggets?

Oscar: Nope.

Jenni: Do you want little pizzas?

Oscar: Nope.

Jenni: Do you want peanut butter?

Oscar: Nope.

Jenni: Do you want a ham sandwich?

Oscar: Nope.

Jenni: Hmm...Do you want kisses from Mommy?

Oscar: Hahaha! Yeah! (leans in for kisses)

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

RTT: More Costume Changes than Madonna

What ever would I post today were it not for the brilliance of Keely and her Random Tuesday Thoughts? Stop by her place, grab a button, and pay homage to her greatness.

randomtuesday

*Just when the sleep training was going awesome and effortless, Miles has gone and gotten a virus complete with runny nose and fever. So there that goes.


*I think Oscar's knees are permanently skinned. It seems just when the scabs finally fall off his knees have a monumental collision with the pavement. He also has tons of scabs on the tops of his feet because I let him run around barefoot. I = Awesome Mom.


*Speaking of the scabs on the tops of Oscar's feet, he keeps poking them and saying, "I see boo-boo. Boo-boo hurt! Boo-boo hurt!" I can't seem to make him understand that the reason they hurt is because he is poking at them.


*So, I took some whole wheat hamburger buns out of the freezer for dinner and left them on the counter to thaw. We had these random fruit flies or something flying around and they somehow worked their way into the bag with the hamburger buns. So gross.


*My pantry smells like onions, leading me to believe that there is an errant onion lurking in there somewhere. Let the hunt begin.


*I'm really getting tired of Oscar dancing in the dog water.


*I put the boys in matching guitar outfits today and Oscar loved it. He was so thrilled that both he and Miles where wearing guitars. Clearly I should dress them alike more often.


*Oscar's guitar outfit didn't last long re: jumping in dog water dish.


*Get this: I just retrieved Oscar from his nap and I found him in his crib BARE ASS NAKED. Not a stitch of clothing or diaper on the boy. He's never done this before. Nelson and I have been trying to teach him how to undress himself (part of the potty training) and I guess it took. And, I think he did it before he fell asleep because his diaper was bone dry and he had pressure marks from his blankets on his body. So, he just wanted to sleep naked? Of course, he peed the crib. And I'm guessing he was lying on top of his discarded clothing because they were covered in pee as well, along with his sheet and several of his blankets. Oscar is now on outfit number three for the day. This would be why I do eight loads of laundry a week.


*Get this: we've been ant-free for a month. So long, suckas!


*Nelson has been particularly awesome lately. Not like suspiciously-bringing-me-flowers-awesome, but being-helpful-and-supportive-awesome. And funny, which is one of my favorite things about him. I mean, I annoy easily and he hasn't been annoying me like AT ALL. I'm not sure what is going on here, but I like it.

*Do you know how if you leave your wet clothes in the wash machine overnight the smell all funky and mildewed the next day? And how sometimes even washing them again doesn't fully get rid of the smell, especially if the laundry has been sitting for like two or three nights? (I = Awesome Housekeeper) Well, if you run a soak/prewash cycle with one cup of ammonia and 1/2 your usual detergent the smell will be gone. Really.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Deja Vu #3

Oscar, around six months:


Miles, around six months:


Thursday, July 2, 2009

Go Bye-Bye?

"Go bye-bye? Go bye-bye?"

"Yes, Oscar, we are going to go bye-bye."

"Shoes? Bye-bye shoes?"

"Yes, we will put on your shoes. After Momma fishes nursing Miles."

"Nursing Miles? Momma nursing Miles?"

"Yes, Momma is nursing Miles."

BARK! BARKBARKBARK! BARK!

"Okay, Nebo. Just a minute."

Five seconds later:

BARK! BARKBARKBARK! BARK!

"Okay, FINE NEBO!"

Places Miles down, lets dogs in. Resumes nursing Miles.

Five seconds later:

"Momma, I put on shoes? I put on shoes?"

"Sure, Oscar, you can put on your shoes."

"HELP! HELP!"

"Okay, come over here. I'll help with your shoes."

Pauses nursing, helps Oscar with shoes. Resumes nursing.

Five seconds later:

"Ow! Ow! Take shoes off! Shoes hurting! Take shoes off! TAKE SHOES OFF! Momma hold you! MOMMA HOLD YOU!"

Pauses nursing, helps Oscar with shoes. Resumes nursing.

Five seconds later:

"Put shoes on? Oscar put shoes on?"

Audible sigh.

"Yes, baby. You can put your shoes on."

Five seconds later:

"Help! HELP! Take shoes off! OFF! Take shoes off!"

Pauses nursing, helps Oscar with shoes. Keeps shoes behind back. Resumes nursing.

Five seconds later:

"Watch it? Watch Nemo now? Watch it?"

"Momma can't put in Nemo right now. She's nursing Miles."

"Oh no! What happened? Watch Nemo now? Watch it?"

"Nope, no watch it. We are not going to watch Nemo. Go play with your cars."

"Watch Cars? Watch Cars? Help! Watch it Cars! Watch it Cars!"

"No, baby. Play with you cars. Where is McQueen? Where is the King? Are they in the garage? Go get your garage?"

"Oh, I do it! Garage!"

Oscar begins playing with cars. Takes cars into hallway and proceeds running them up and down hallway.

Five minutes later:

"Oscar? Oscar are you okay?"

"I fine. I fine."

"Well, what are you doing?"

"Uh oh."

"Uh oh what? Oscar? What happened?"

"Uh oh, what happened? Uh oh, I making mess!"

Places Miles down, rushes to hallway. Finds Oscar soaking wet, water covering floor, dog water bowl empty. Oscar, beaming.

"Hi, Mom! I making mess! Water! Making mess!"

"I see that. Well, lets clean it up. Lets clean up the mess."

"Okay, I do it! Clean mess!"

Use 14,000 hand towels to mop up spill of oceanic proportions. Put complete dry outfit on Oscar. Put in Madagascar. Pick up Miles; resume nursing.

Five seconds later

"Water? I thirsty! Hungry! I hungry!"

"Can you wait until Momma finishes nursing Miles?"

"WAAAAA! I thirsty!"

"Oscar, your water is right over there, underneath your table. Go get it."

"Okay, I do it."

Oscar is confused, unable to locate the water bottle six inches from his left foot. Begins whining.

"Water! Waaaaaaater!"

"Okay, Oscar. I'll get it for you."

Places Miles down; retrieves water; resumes nursing.

Five seconds later:

"Bunny? BUNNY! BUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNYYY!"

"Bunny is in the kitchen, Oscar. Go get him."

"I found it! I found it Bunny!"

"Okay, good. Now watch your movie so I can finish nursing Miles."

Oscar does not return.

Two minutes later:

"Oh, I found it!"

"Oscar? Oscar what are you doing?"

"I found it!"

"What did you find, Oscar?"

Places Miles down. Finds Oscar in the dining room disassembling diaper bag.

"Hi, Mom!"

"Oscar! No! That's Momma's bag. Leave it. Go on. Go watch your movie."

Begins reassembling diaper bag; collecting wipes scattered over floor; etc. Returns to living room to find Oscar scribbling on couch with markers.

"Oscar!"

"Hi, Mom! I drawing! Momma, I drawing!"

"Oscar. We do not draw on the couch. We draw on paper."

"I drawing couch!"

Audible sigh.

"Here's some paper, draw on the paper."

"I no want to."

"Of course not. Okay, then no drawing."

"WAAAA!"

"Oscar. Will you please just watch your movie for five minutes so I can finish nursing your brother? Please?

"Okay, I watch it."

Five seconds later:

Oscar gets up; wanders out of living room.

Five seconds later:

Oscar giggles.

"Oscar? Oscar what are you doing?"

Oscar giggles.

"Oscar? I don't like the sound of that. Oscar, come here please."

Oscar giggles again. Places Miles down and goes looking for Oscar. Locates Oscar, beside cat food, stuffing it into his face.

"OSCAR, NO! We do not eat cat food!"

Oscar laughs, runs off to kitchen. Momma follows. Proceeds to try and wrestle cat food from Oscars mouth. Attempts are unsuccessful.

"I eat it. I eat it food!"

"Yep, you sure did, Oscar. Are you hungry?"

"No."

"Okay then. Now come on. Back to the living room."

"Okay, I going."

Attempts to finish nursing Miles, but he is done; too distracted.

"Okay Oscar, lets get your shoes. Lets go bye-bye."

"Go bye-bye!"

"Wait, Oscar, where are your shoes? They were right here. Where did they go?"

"I don know. I don know. I find it!"

"Okay, you do that. I'll get snacks for today."

"Okay, Mom."

Five seconds later:

"WAAAAAAAAAA!"

Oscar comes running into the kitchen.

"MOMMA HOLD YOU! MOMMA HOLD YOU!"

"Baby, what happened?"

"I bump head! I hurt it. I hurt head."

"I'll kiss it and make it better, okay? Are you okay now?"

"I fine. I fine."

"Did you find your shoes?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"Okay, lets get them on."

Puts shoes on Oscar.

"Bye-bye?"

"Let me load up Miles."

"Bye-bye? BYE-BYE?! WAAAAA!"

"Oscar, chill. We are going bye-bye. Just wait one minute."

"MOMMA HOLD YOU! WAAAA!"

"I can't hold you. I'm strapping in your brother so we can go bye-bye. Remember bye-bye?"

"Go bye-bye?"

"Yes, now. Let's go."

Grabs diaper bag, infant car seat, Oscar's hand. Hustles everyone out to the porch. Closes door.

"Oscar, wait. Wait for momma."

"I go down stairs."

"Wait. WAIT. Where are my keys. Shit. I locked them in the house. Really? Really? You've got to be kidding me, man."

"Kidding me, man!"

"I wish I was kidding you. I so wish."

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Potty Time

So, potty training. I'm not gonna lie here. I don't want to do it. A very large part of me wishes that Oscar would just potty train himself. I mean, how many people do you know that go to college in diapers, right? He would EVENTUALLY just figure it out on his own. I'm sure of it.


Truth be told, I'd probably be okay with that if it weren't for the fact that I'm the one changing the majority of his diapers. And toddler diaper are gross people. No, not gross. Horrifically disgusting is a bit more accurate. Vomit inducing, even.


We actually bought Oscar a potty about three months ago, shortly after my pediatrician said that he thought Oscar was showing signs of readiness. But Mommy wasn't ready. I was dealing with a newborn that nursed ever hour and a half and was sleeping like crap and I just couldn't add one more thing to my plate.


So, we waited. And when we went in a couple of weeks ago for Oscar's two year physical, our pediatrician says, "What is this guy still doing in diapers? He's not ready to be out of these yet?" So I confessed my lack of energy to train and he was sympathetic. But he also basically told me to get to it.


I bought underwear maybe two weeks ago. Elmo and Cars themed underwear. Oscar was beside himself when he saw them and immediately tried to put them on. His head. I explained that they were pants and that when he pooped and peed in his potty, he could wear his Cars/Elmo underwear. His response?


"No."


Now, he knows all about his potty. He knows what it is for and how it is used. I've witnessed him putting his bunny on the potty several times and saying, "Bunny pooping. Bunny pee." He freaking KNOWS. He just won't do it.


Last week, at Costco, I bought an enormous bag of plain M&Ms. Upon returning home, Oscar spied said bag of M&Ms and proceeded to haul it into the living room.


"Cocolat candy? Cocolat candy?"


"No, you can't have any chocolate candies. You only get chocolate candies when you poop or pee inside your potty," I told him.


Well lickity split Oscar runs over to his potty (which we keep in the living room),pulls it over to me, and sits on it.


"I pooping. I pee. Cocolat candy?"


He was neither pooping or peeing. His pants and his diaper were still on, but he didn't go in them either. But, it is pretty clear that he knows the drill. He knows what is expected of him.


Oscar did not get M&Ms for his fake pottying, and I explained again that he needed to poop and pee inside the potty with no diaper or pants on. His response?


"No."

Today, he pooped in his diaper and requested M&Ms. I explained yet again that he only got candies for going in the potty.


"No."


I'm not really sure where to go from here. We've tried sitting him on the potty for a while, with a book to read, but he gets board easily and just wants to run around bare-assed. And we know how that ends.


So, what next? Someone? Anyone? Help me out.