Wednesday, March 17, 2010

This Day

I have a ton of stuff to do today. A ton. We're leaving around 10:00AM to head down the road for the viewing, and we'll stay at Nelson's parent's house tomorrow night and go to the funeral Friday.

I'm trying to get a lot done this morning so I don't come home to a nightmare on Thursday night. This morning, I need to finish folding a mountain of laundry; pack for Nelson, the boys, myself; run to the pharmacy and pick up some razors; shower and get dressed; declutter for the cleaning people, who come tomorrow; pack up a day care bag with diapers and spare clothes for the boys; and get everyone dress and fed.

My friend Shannon has a daycare near the funeral home and she's agreed to take my boys for a couple of days. I'm really thankful that they will be going with someone I know and trust, but the thing is I don't leave my boys. I'm worried. I'm worried about MW's separation anxiety; I'm worried Oscar's going to forget to use the potty; I'm worried I'll have a panic attack while we are driving away.

Normally I'd be talking myself down from this ledge, but not today. Today I'm going to let myself think about it all morning so I don't have to think about why we are leaving the boys. I'm not good at this. I'm not good at being strong for people. I don't quite know how I'm going to look at Nelson's dad, and his cousin, and his uncle and not simply go to pieces. Their loss is so great it makes my own feel tiny and insignificant.

So, this morning I will keep myself busy. I will do laundry and fix breakfast and pack clothes and worry about my boys. My grief and my anxiety will take a back burner to the everyday living that goes on around here.

17 comments:

DeeMarie said...

Everyone's grief is hard. And everyone's grief is different. But you're entitled to grieve. Do what you need to do, get done what needs to be done. And then mourn the loss of someone you loved. Big hugs. You'll be in my prayers.

Strawberry said...

*hugs*

Mrsbear said...

I can't offer anything useful. Sending hugs. You and your family will be in my thoughts.

Jamie said...

Oh honey...I am sorry.

gretchen said...

Just let yourself grieve the way you need to. There is no right or wrong way, and we never know how a loss is going to effect us. It's an excellent thing that the boys are being taken care of for you. They will be fine, and they will be spared the whole burden of the grief thing. I was just about to say "stay strong" but you know what? You don't have to be strong if you don't want to!

Frogs in my formula said...

I'm sure you're better at being strong than you're giving yourself credit for. I'm so sorry for all you're going through. Hugs.

jpooh said...

I believe you're stronger than you think you are. But, you know, sometimes doing is the best course of action - keeping busy.

(((Jenni)))

Jan from the Sushi Bar

Keely said...

Do what you have to do. I'm sure the boys will be fine, but focus on what you have to to get yourself through this. That IS what makes you strong, I think.

*hugs*

Captain Dumbass said...

Like Gretchen said, there's no right or wrong way, just do what you have to do. The boys will be alright.

Sprite's Keeper said...

I do the same thing when I'm grieving. I have to organize, clean, control what I can. That's my way of coping and coming to terms. Just make sure you listen to yourself. Hug those boys and they'll have a great time once they're settled with your friend and you'll be able to focus on your family.
Sending you lots of virtual hugs!

Barbara said...

You do what you need to do to get through these situations.

lots of (((hugs))) to you.

Becky said...

It's hard when there's just so much that has to get done.

I've been thinking of you; I hope that everything goes smoothly today with the funeral and that you can get some rest soon. xoxox-b

Cara said...

Thinking of you & your family, Jenni.

MW & Oscar will be fine. They're awesome kids.

{{hugs}}

Jenn said...

I don't know what to say, but you will get through it, and just being there for the people you love will be a great comfort to them.

hpretty said...

I hope you got through Friday ok. Funerals are always tough. x

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Aliceson said...

Ugh, what a stressful situation. I hope it all went well... or as well as a trip out of town for a funeral can be. Hugs to you!

Casey said...

I'm sorry I wasn't around to say I'm sorry for your loss. I'm a shitty bloggy friend. I am sorry though.