Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Not Pregnant

So. I am not pregnant.

About two months ago, I though I was pregnant.  Even though we being very careful to NOT get pregnant, I really, really thought I was.  My period was days and days late.  I was all achy and crampy and grumpy and tired.  I started thinking about what it will be like to be pregnant again and would it be a boy or a girl and what would we name him/her and would I be able to manage three small children and would my marriage survive three small children and and and?  And then I realized that, no, not pregnant, just getting my period.  Which, I should have known in the first place by all the crazy thinking I was doing.

So.  I am not pregnant.

Back in March or so, Nelson and the boys and I were out to dinner.  In a real restaurant!  With real non-fast food!  And the children were behaving and eating and so were the adults.  It was fantastic.  Then, Nelson says to me, "So, you want to be pregnant again by Christmas?"

Just like that, out of the blue.  I didn't know quite what to say.

I looked around at my three guys.  The littles eating/playing nicely. My husband enjoying his dinner and our adult (!!) conversation.  It was...nice.  No breastfeeding at the table, no little containers of baby food, no wee mite strapped into his/her car seat like a ticking time bomb of poop/pee/tears/spit-up.  It was really, really nice.

"No.  NO!  I'm not ready.  Maybe pregnant again by this time next year?  Next spring.  No new baby until Miles William is at least three."

We've been having these amazing family weekends outside, working in the yard, playing in the sandbox.  They boys are both a such good ages this year.  They can really do things and since Miles is pretty low key and Oscar is nearly three, they can play independently and actually play together.  They both sleep through nearly every night, which means I sleep through nearly every night.  This is as close to well rested as I've felt in three and a half years.

I would almost call this whole stage of parenting easy.  Comparatively.  Easier than being a first time mom with an infant, or a second time mom with an infant and a toddler.  A preschooler and a toddler together are less intense, and I'm much more relaxed.

When I think about throwing a baby into the mix, it causes the teeniest of grimaces.  The yard work would not be so easy with an infant strapped to my chest and wanting to nurse every two hours (or hour and a half, as was the case with Miles.)  They cry.  Their diapers have to be changed every couple of hours. They are very dependent and time consuming.  That infant stage is a lot of work and not much sleep and throw that on top of two other little people to manage?  Tough stuff.

Miles William is still incredibly cuddly and snuggly, but he is now fully weaned.  I'm not nursing a baby for the first time in nearly three years.  No babies.  Thankfully, Miles loves hugs and kisses.  He still lumbers around like a drunken sailor.  In short, he's still a baby.  Oscar was so independent, as soon as he could crawl he hit the road.  Miles, not so much.  And I like that, that he is still my baby.  My non-nursing baby.

But.

When I went to visit my friend Amanda and her new baby a few weeks ago, it was all I could do not to swoon over her sweet smells and little squeaks and general itty-bitty-ness. A friend recently told me she is pregnant and I swear my uterus echoed with emptiness.  Another blogger announced a pregnancy and I felt...jealous.  Just a little, but still.

So, where does this leave me?  I'm happy with my family, and I worry what another pregnancy and a new little baby would do to our dynamic.  I want to be pregnant again, I want another little baby.   But won't I always?  I'm a person who likes babies and who (sort of, sometimes, at times) likes being pregnant, so won't I always lust after another pregnancy, another birth, another baby?  I'm going to have to say "when" at some point.  Is this that point, after my two fantastic boys?  Or will I KNOW when I'm done, just unequivocally know in my heart of hearts that my family is complete?

13 comments:

Kat said...

I have been told that when you are done you just *know* it. I am still waffling. And my youngest is 4...I am way past the diapers and no sleep stage.

Sprite's Keeper said...

I hear you on the wanting part. I am trying not to concentrate on it for a few months, but oh, every time Nature reminds me I'm not, I grieve a little.

Aliceson said...

I still would like to have more children but now that my girls have become so self sufficient, it would be hard to go through the baby stage again.

Keely said...

I think that X is at a really great stage now, and I can leave the room! for more than 30 seconds! and not have to worry about him maiming himself too much, and we can have conversations, and...I still want another damn baby.

I assume you and I will both just "know" when we're done, right?

Strawberry said...

We knew we were done with one before he came into the picture, and now 14 months later. However, that is NOT to say the feelings of missing tiny babyhood (parts of it anyway) aren't there. Plus wondering what a second would be like and blah blah. I think if you love your children (duh) and you like babies as well, those feelings will always be there no matter how many you have. Let's face it, babyhood is SHORT!

Momma Hunt said...

I hear you we just had our second and it will be our last. I had some serious complications during my c-section that made me decide this is it (not to mention my husband only wanted two and we can barely afford the two we have) but it is hard to not start thinking about it. When I look at my little girl getting bigger by the second it is hard to admit that this is it for me, especially since I just turned 30 and had great pregnancies other than the delivery complication. So in my head I know Im done, and my heart knows it too, it just doesn't want to admit it yet!

Jan said...

You know, I think you'll know if/when you're ready for another.

I only wanted two, and I had my boy and my girl, when The Young One came along (HUGE "whoops!!"). I wasn't AT ALL happy about it; I didn't think I wanted another baby. But I have to tell you, he has been nothing but a joy to me and I can't imagine life without him.

Michele said...

For me, deciding when I was done depended on the baby. My youngest was very difficult. I wanted just one more until he turned 6 months. Then I just knew I couldn't make him a middle child. Though we went through a stage in my mid 30s when we toyed with the idea of just one more but never did it. And I'm really glad.

Casey said...

Oy. We stopped at two and are absolutely sure that's the right decision for us. We couldn't handle another kid and stay sane and married and out of jail for murder. But you're right... seeing a little baby and smelling them and those little coo's and and and... NO. We are only have two kids. Snip snip went Jamie's nutsack a year ago.

Captain Dumbass said...

I could FedEx Finn over to you for a couple weeks.

Michele R said...

When you had one you thought you may be done after you have two. Now that you have two, you cannot say that you are done. One day you will know for sure that you want another, and are happy that your partner feels the same. And you will have three. After you have three, you will know you are done. That was my story.
I’m thinking it will be yours too.

CrazyLovesCompany said...

I don't know the answer to that. Let us know. I do know that I'm excited but a little crazed at having 2 under 2 by this time next month. Advice?

elizabeth said...

My nine week old won't settle. We've had nine weeks of crying in this house. She cries. The toddler cries. I cry. And yet I love her sweet little babyness and those moments when she does smile at me. Wouldn't trade it for the world. Babyhood is short, so short. Yes, they poop, they spit up, they don't let you have a conversation or allow you to eat a meal sitting down. But, if I were 10 years younger, I'd have AT LEAST 4. At least.