Thursday, February 3, 2011

When mama ain't happy, nobody's happy

I started out this morning angry at my husband.  No, not angry.  Frustrated.  Exasperated?  Something not good, and it's been ruining my whole day.

The reason for my frustration?  Last night, Nelson picked up the living room (yeah!) and proceeded to put the day's sippy cups and afternoon snack bowls on the counter over top of the dishwasher. Instead of just PUTTING THEM IN THE DISHWASHER.  WHO DOES HE THINK IS GOING TO PUT THEM IN THE DISHWASHER?  ME!  AM I THE ONLY PERSON IN MY HOME CAPABLE OF OPERATING THE DISHWASHER? HE CANNOT OPEN THE DISHWASHER?  HE CAN GET THE CUPS ALL THE WAY TO THE DISHWASHER BUT IS UNABLE TO FLIP IT OPEN AND PLACE SOME CUPS IN THE TOP RACK? So, before I went up to bed to read, I calmly asked him to please put the cups in the dishwasher and then run the dishwasher.

When I got up (first, of course) this morning and came downstairs, the cups were still sitting on the kitchen counter FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THINGS HOLY IS IT REALLY THAT DIFFICULT?  So, I took a deep breath, loaded them up, ran the dishwasher, and proceeded about my morning because, really, it is not that difficult to load a few things in the dishwasher.  For me.  So I just did it and stewed about it because I guess I should have just done it in the first place and not expected him to show me the courtesy of doing a menial chore like moving cups four inches in to the dishwasher when that is MY WORK and then I put on my crown of thorns and bled and bled and bled.

So, Nelson gets up and I try to put on my best non-martyr face and see him off to work and I carefully do not mention the cups and am nice and loving and trying to move on.  And after he leaves I go into the kitchen to refill my coffee and I trip on the trashcan, which belongs under the sink but, Nelson leaves it in the middle of our very tiny kitchen so he does not forget to take the trash out in the mornings.  He rarely puts the trashcan back BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I DO and, you know, the sink is like four feet from the middle of the kitchen and way too far to walk, and wait, why is this empty trash can so heavy?

That would be because it was NOT EMPTY AT ALL.  It was completely and totally full.  And so I called Nelson to bitch at him for not taking out the trash, which he regularly forgets to do, and he forgets so often that I think I can put the word "forget" in quotes here if you know what I mean.  I threw in some bitching about the dishwasher while I was at it and then some more bitching about some trip he was supposed to have told me about last night and forgot to tell me about and he doesn't even know WHEN this trip is only that is it out of country and some time "next month" and then I just hauled out my cross and carried it on my back for miles and miles and miles.

And then I did some online browsing and filled my cart at Old Navy and bagged up the trash and put it on the porch to take to the trashcan when I took Oscar to school.  And then I proceeded to be snappish and short with my children all morning and incite bad tempers in both boys.  And Oscar cried at preschool drop off and I came home and put Benji down for his nap and baked a chocolate cake and started to feel really silly about my terrible behavior towards my husband and kind of exhausted from all my crankiness and feeling sorry for myself and damn, that cross is heavy, you know?

I sent him a text not long ago apologizing and promising not to bitch about the trash or dishwasher anymore.  I remind myself of sleep-in Sundays and of battles better fought by not fighting.  I remind myself that I love my husband and hate fighting with him and that when I argue with him no one wins, not me, not him, not our kids.  I remind myself that I don't have to wait until tomorrow to start fresh.  I can start fresh right now.

Deep breaths.  Deep breaths.

15 comments:

Susanica said...

Damn! I'd be so ticked off too Jenni. It if makes you feel a modicum better, your funniest, funniest stuff comes out of you when you are pissed.

Didn't help right? Hope the rest of your day feels better. I predict that Nelson will be very apologetic and even come bearing gifts (if I may use a bible analogy too!)

Becky said...

Oh I know! That crown of thorns does get uncomfortable! And nobody ever notices when you're wearing it anyway.

At least your exasperation made for a great post. Let me just say that my husband has similar traits.

Keely said...

At least you know he will probably apologize and participate in the appreciation of non-fighting. And you DO need to vent these things, even if you have to apologize afterwards, because otherwise the crown of thorns will become permanent.

Pamela said...

oh yes with the garbage can not put back, and not put back empty and not put back with a new bag in it.
and yes, it is better to be nice, and congrats on locating your big girl panties.

VandyJ said...

Oh I know the feeling. There are days when I feel like I do the same thing over and over and over and rinse repeat. And I get no appreciation, because that's what I am supposed to do. Never mind that if he does dishes, I'm supposed to sing his praises, or strike up the band or something. OK, off the soap box.
At least you vented, then apologized. Hopefully there is something forthcoming for you.

Michele said...

I liked your retail therapy solution. My husband takes out the garbage then either leaves the trash can out from under the sink where it belongs or he'll put it under the sink but without a plastic liner in it. Guess where we keep the box of trash can liners? Yep under the sink behind the trash can. Can you say annoying? I never say anything because I really have way too many bad habits to count. I never want to give him a reason to start listing them.

Sprite's Keeper said...

For the sake of repetition, let's call Nelson "John". Now, everything you just said.
I'm done. :-)

Momma Hunt said...

Oh as I know all to well that cross gets really heavy these days. Good for you for moving on!

Captain Dumbass said...

Venting is better than murdering him in his sleep.

Amy said...

You are a real grownup.

That said, it's ok for him to know you're frustrated.

Whatcha get from old navy? ( I miss it.)

Denny P 3 said...

Great attitude. For me it's when my wife after 8 years of asking still refuses to turn her shirts the correct way when putting them in the hamper. So when I go to do the laundry, I have to turn a weeks worth of shirts the proper way to be washed! It drives me up the proverbial wall!

Hannah Hammonds said...

my husband doesn't know how to open the dishwasher either, but also knows how to put cups on top. However, he has only recently learned putting cups on top so maybe there is hope. As for trash, he doesn't put the trash can(s) back either or put liners in. And if one of the little ones does get back to a room without a liner, he complains when he takes it out that there is no liner. It does feel good to vent!

Elizabeth said...

Denny--be open-minded for a sec, okay? I realize this probably has nothing to do with your situation, but it is supposedly better for some "fancier" fabrics to wash clothes inside-out, on the theory there's less friction during the wash cycle to mess up the fabric. Not that I personally bother doing that deliberately, but just sayin... Actually, I've been doing my own laundry for the past 20+ years, and I guess I'm guilty of your wife's sin myself, but it doesn't seem too vital whether I fix it sooner rather than later. My one comparable experience to yours was the one time in my life I tried to pamper myself and got a maid service to come over and clean the house and do a couple loads of laundry a few weeks after I had my second child. I wasn't too enthused about the quality of the cleaning in general, but what seriously pissed me off was that they left our clothes inside-out when hanging them up or folding them. When asked, they said they thought that was the way we liked them. Yeah.

Susan Vaughn said...

Hi Jenni! I'm so sorry you had such a bad day. I've had days like that myself with my hubby, and as you said nobody wins and if anything, the children lose the most. At 51, and almost 20 years of marriage, 4 kids and 2 grandkids, I've learned that I have to pick my fights. Just because my back hurts, or something isn't picked up or expectations are not met, doesn't mean that I should jump down my hubby's or my child's throat. We're all human. We all make mistakes. We all turn a blind eye to some things that need to be done. I've learned that understanding, compassion, and a kind reminder almost always do the trick. By kind reminder, I don't mean saying sweetly "Sweetheart will you pick up your shoes and your socks and clean up all your papers around the fireplace hearth." I mean, I take his shoes and socks and stick them in the freezer in the garage. Then when he asks where they are I tell him to start looking because it's a secret. He gets frustrated, but when he finds them, not only has he spent more time looking for them than it would have taken for him to put them in the shoe closet in the first place, but his feet are now properly cold.

As for the kids - they are notorious for putting clean laundry back in the laundry room. Well, every time I find clean laundry in the laundry room, I charge them $1 for every article of clothing that they were too lazy to fold and put away or hang up. Yelling takes too much energy and doesn't solve a thing. The person you are yelling at only tunes you out anyway and the children get upset. So be creative the next time he leaves the full trash can out. Just pull out the trash, tie it up, and replace his bed pillow with it. The next time he leaves dishes on the counter and doesn't think to put them in the dishwasher, simply use the dirty dishes for his next meal. I remember once finding a Playboy magazine under my husband's side of the mattress. This was shortly after we were married. While he was at work, I threw away the magazine and replaced it with the Bible. Too funny. And those memories are funny to look back on.

Susan Vaughn
http://www.raiain-toast.com

Casey said...

I love your "Jenni is Mean" tag. You're not mean, you're just home with toddlers all day and on edge (wait, that's ME). That shit pisses me off too though, we have a little shoe-hidey cupboard and Jamie ALWAYS dumps his shoes on the ground next to it vs IN it. I told him today I'm throwing his shoes out if he does it again...