Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Push/pull

Miles was snuggling me in my lap this morning and I put my nose into his hair to kiss him on the top of the head. He's always had a really kissable head. I was shocked to find no sweet baby smell, but instead the smell of sweat and dirt little boy. The texture is changing too. It's not nearly as soft and baby fine. It's becoming coarser and thicker.

He put on a pair of pajamas last night and his little belly was sticking out and the shirt and pant cuffs were both far to short. I had to buy him new shoes, size 10, a few weeks ago. The potty accidents are so few and far between that I can hardly remember the last one.

He picks out his clothes and dresses himself every day. He helps me make lunch and empty the dishwasher. He's been enrolled in nursery school this fall.

Miles is growing up.

All these changes have happened right under my nose. It's easy to think he's growing up too fast when the truth is he's just plain growing up at the normal rate.

It's hard to feel nostalgic about some of these things. I love that he uses the toilet almost regularly, that he can dress himself, that he can make decisions. It is nice having my body to myself.

And yet I long for the days of sweetly scented, super soft hair, of tiny crib shoes and toothless smiles.  First laughs and first words and first steps. Nursing my baby until he falls into a sated, milky doze. The weight of my babies when they fall asleep on my chest while being rocked; the super sweaty naps that follow.

I'm not sure I'm ready to be done with all of that. I yearn for more firsts, more sweetness, more sweaty naps. Even as I rejoice watching my children grow and change and become people with personalities and opinions, I mourn the babies they once were, and the ones I may never have.

Will I get over this?

5 comments:

Barbara said...

I am so totally with you on this one. It's actually very comforting to know that I'm not alone!

While I don't like the idea of sleepless nights, leaky boobs and nappies (oh the nappies), the thought of babies and softness and first smiles and tiny warm snuggles and all of that shebang does still make me think it would maybe be worth it.

Like you, I wonder if I'll ever stop feeling this way.

Pamela said...

I was there, mourning that I was done having babies. It made me really, really, heart-sickening sad. So I said to Jon, "I just need to say this out loud, to you. I am mourning that you don't want any more children, because I really do. I'm not asking to have more, I just need you to acknowledge that this hurts my heart."

And then he told me that if it was that important to me, maybe we should have another. Hence, the Elliott.

And now? I'm done and I'm okay with it. I see other people with their new babies, and I am happy for them, and my Jealous Ovary Syndrome is transformed into Supportive Ovary Empathy.

Keely said...

Well, I fell into the "omg need new baby now" camp, but as Xander's gotten older I've realized I really like having some autonomy. But, you know my situation so maybe I'm repressing...

Andrea said...

I will admit to still looking back fondly and getting misty eyed, but trust me theree are still many more a,axing and exciting first for you to celebrate with awe and wonder. Xoxo

Heather said...

Oh man am I going through this very thing right now and Renzo is just turning two in another week. A while ago I thought I could have been pregnant and when I found out I actually wasn't, that was the moment that I realized I really DID want another one! My husband and I are going back and forth over whether or not to have a third. I'm creeping up on 40 (will be 39 in September) so we don't have a lot of time yet.

I can clearly remember when Lorenzo was a baby and would only sleep on me, for what felt like so many many months...but I knew then that I would miss and long for those days again. And that's right where I'm at. Missing that feeling of a sweaty little baby cheek pressed against my chest, and little puffs of breath against my chest as they sleep. Sigh.

I wish I was at a place where I felt completely at peace with the decision to have two children and be done with having any more babies. But I'm not, and it sucks. And I'm more than happy with the two I have, I feel so lucky to have them. While I'm sad at just how quickly they are growing up, I am also very proud of them and all that they can do now as they get older.