Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Are You Ready? A Story About my Mom

There are a couple of things you need to know before you can dive into this story. First: When my mom says "maybe," as a reply to a request is ALWAYS UNEQUIVOCALLY means "no." Second: When my brother and I were kids, we lived in the sticks, 35 minutes from the grocery store and a good hour from the nearest shopping mall. The high school was a 45 minute bus ride from my house (not that I ever rode the bus with the masses - I nearly always got a ride from an older, cooler kid that had a car.)

Okay, so this story is really about getting out of the house with my mom. As kids, my brother and I had to harangue my mom for DECADES to get her to agree to take us pretty much anywhere. She was always all, "Maybe. Maybe." This may have been because even as teens/pre-teens, my brother and I were holy terrors.

So, lets say we finally convinced my mom to take us to the mall on Saturday afternoon. Victory! Or so you'd think.

"Okay, Mom, lets go! Are you ready?"

"Yes. I have to get changed."

Twenty minutes later: "Okay, Mom, are you ready?"

"Just give me a sec. I've got to fix my hair."

Ten minutes later, "Okay, Mom, lets go!"

"Hold on. I need to finish my make-up."

Another ten minutes later, "Come on, Mom! Let's go!"

"Just a minute. I need to have a cup of coffee."

Forty-five minutes later, after she has brewed and drank an ENTIRE POT of coffee, "Mom! Come on! It's been more than an hour. Let's go."

"Okay, I just have to smoke a cigarette."

Yet another ten minutes and a very skinny cigarette later. "Are you done? Let's go!"

"Wait a second! I have to go to the bathroom."

Really? The bathroom? Seriously? After and entire pot of coffee and a cigarette and eight years spent getting ready? You have to go to the bathroom? Really?

Four days later, "Mom, are you done? Can we go already?"

"What? Where were we going again?"

"Mom! The mall, we are going to the mall!"

"Oh, okay. Just let me smoke a cigarette first."


steenky bee said...

Oh, dear. She just becomes my hero more and more every day.

Casey said...

Your mom is hilarious. My mom was the total opposite, she would drag me to the store and then disappear while I stood there bored and bitchy for two hours. Every time I would catch a glimpse of her and head that way she would disappear again. She wonders why I won't shop with her.

Anonymous said...

Holy crap. That would have driven me nutz!

moo said...

your mom is such a card!

Bittersweet Confusion said...

WOW now that's something to look forward to... I'm only 3 months preggers at the moment with my first and I just love hearing about the hijinx yet to come! Hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Grr, I just typed a whole comment and stoopid blogger wouldn't let me finish. Anyway, the gist of it was "your mum sounds fab" but I dressed it up a bit!

Uncle PJ said...

You forgot one thing. She needed to take a nap before we left. "Just let me take a nap for 15 min"