Thursday, October 16, 2008

The Dog Ate My Face: A Story About My Mom

A few years ago, my mom was dating this guy. We'll call him Larry. Because that was his name.

My mom met Larry through an online dating service. Larry was maybe 5'6" and weighed about 400 pounds and dressed exclusively in khaki pants and Hawaiian-style shirts. I know these facts because : a) I saw photos; b) My brother was living with my mom at the time and reported these facts; and c) My mom also told me these same facts.

Right now you might be thinking, "Wait a minute! You said your mom does not like fat people!" And a person weighing in at 400 pounds is most certainly overweight, no matter their height. I still swear this is true, and I think his weight really bothered my mom. The reason I think this is because literally every single time she talked about Larry, she mentioned his weight and the fact that it did not bother her. But if if really did not bother her, she wouldn't bring it up constantly right?

What's the catch? Well, Larry was waiting to undergo gastric bypass surgery. He had to wait because he was so large, he actually needed to loose weight prior to the surgery so that it could safely be performed. So, he was on his way to thinness and better health.

Also, Larry was what my brother and I call Rich People. Larry owns several lucrative businesses throughout the state where lives. And, everyone knows when you are Rich People, no one seems to mind as much if you are overweight, unattractive, or even an asshole. You don't have to be good looking if you are rich.

And, on top of all of that, Larry was really, really nice and really, really funny, according to my mom and brother. To this day, my brother insists he's the nicest guy my mom ever dated that he met. He really enjoyed taking my mom out to really nice dinners and buying nice bottles of wine and opening car doors for her and stuff like that. He was good to her.

But, there was a problem. Larry, who was about 20 years my mom's junior, was looking for something a little more serious than my mom. See, she and my dad had only been split for a year or two and she wasn't looking for anything long term. She's just gotten out of a 27 year relationship, for lawds sake. She'd only been dating for maybe a year.

One weekend, Larry went on a golfing retreat at the beach with his buddies. Being Rich People, Larry also owned a house at the beach. He had a Harley he'd drive down there like once a month and he and his pals would get drunk and play golf and ride motorcycles.

Generally, he and my mom wouldn't talk during these weekends, but he'd call on Sunday as soon as he returned. My mom is pretty low key and low maintenance and she didn't want to bother him on his guys weekends, so this arrangement worked for her.

Sunday turned into Monday turned into Tuesday turned into Wednesday. So my mom called him and left a message, just checking in to see how his weekend was and to make sure everything was okay.

THE FOLLOWING MONDAY he called her back. He told her he'd be bitten in the face by a dog and was horribly disfigured and could not bear to ever see her again as he was now so ugly. She told him she didn't care and wanted to make sure he was okay, etc. but he was insistent. He was too ugly to be seen.

My mom called and told this story to me and my brother, who was visiting at the time. We burst out laughing. Seriously? I'm so ugly I don't want you to see me ever again?

"So, he dumped you?" my brother asked.

"No, he was disfigured," my mom said.

"Mom, he dumped you," I said. "No one gets horribly disfigured by a dog and refuses to see people ever again. It's a line."

"NO! You think so?" she asked. "Maybe I should go check."

Oh, my mom, I love her, but she is clueless.

After convincing her she would be a crazy stalker if she did this, she finally admitted he had probably dumped her. He had been trying to get serious and she just wasn't ready.

She sighed.

"Oh, well. It's not liked I loved him or anything," she said.

IT'S NOT LIKED I LOVED HIM OR ANYTHING. They dated for four months and this was her entire process of mourning the relationship. It's not like I loved him or anything.

And then, Larry was gone, never seen or heard from again, although we did get confirmation from a third party that there was no dog bite, he just didn't know how to break things off. I think she was dating within the week. She was sooo over him. I mean, it's not like she loved him or anything.

Although now, several years later, when my mom calls one of us and is all like, "I haven't heard from you in so long..." we always respond, "Sorry, a dog ate my face and I haven't been able to call."


Casey said...

Once again, I love your mom. Seriously. And you and your brother are hilarious for poking fun, I would do the same.
BTW, a dog DID bite my face once, I swear. The first thing I did was call all of my friends and email pictures so Larry is a damn liar! That's gotta be the best excuse I've ever heard though.

Anonymous said...

Naturally, I must share the one person I know whose story it was that he got bitten in the face by a dog--as a matter of fact, it was Tanya's boyfriend, but that is a story for another day, and it's not how he broke up with her anyway.

LOL at this whole story. LOL at the "dog ate my homework" excuse morphed into the face, and LOL at "it's not like I loved him anyway." Your Mom seems like she has a great joie de vivre.

Josie said...

I am sooo using that excuse and I know exactly with whom:)

moo said...

This is probably the best story I've ever heard.

Susanica said...

You. Crack. Me. Up.

Seriously Jenni. You should write a book and publish it! -Monica

EllenMarie said...

Ahahahahahha. I think your Mom and my Dad would have made the perfect couple.

steenky bee said...

Seriously, I'm flying out to wherever you are and we are hanging out...with your mom there. I can't believe he pulled a dog bite story out. Poor gal. Poor Larry. No, not poor Larry. I wonder what he's doing now? Kharma is a bitch you know. He should stay away from the pound.

Oh, girl! Your mom is hilarious!

Mike said...

Awesome story! And losing weight before having gastric bypass? Is that cleaning the house before the cleaners get there?

Stimey said...

I have to tell you how much I am loving your blog lately. You're a funny woman.

I may have to use this excuse myself. Of all the excuses in the world, I wonder why he chose absolutely the most unbelievable one.

Crazy Meme said...

For the record I do not hate fat people. I love everyone.

Hey Paul thank you I love you too.

Anonymous said...

The DOG ATE MY FACE???!!! ---Bwahahahahahah!!!!

I'm SO using this line.... for everything!

Uncle PJ said...

"Can you believe that Larry got his face eaten off by a dog?" No I don't believe that. I think he dumped you. "Your an asshole".
I love that crazy old lady.