Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Toddlers are A**holes

There, I said it. They are. Toddlers are assholes.

Now, before you get all huffy on me, I KNOW. They are babies. They are testing boundaries and learning and exercising their independence. I get it. This is part of toddlerhood and dealing with toddlers is part of parenthood. I accept this. I EMBRACE it, even. I mean, I'm sure I was a complete asshole when I was two. Some would argue that I'm still an asshole, but that's another post.

But, really. I mean, toddlers get away with some serious assholery. Just think about it for a minute. If a grown adult tried even for a second to do half the asshole crap Oscar does in just one day, I'd probably be moved to violence.

Here's a short list of the stuff Oscar does that qualifies him for assholehood.

1. Regularly hits, pushes, and tackles his peers if they do something not to his liking.
2. Takes other peoples belongings and maybe smacks them for emphasis.
3. Tries to kick, poke, and/or body slam his infant brother.
4. Intentionally steps on other people's feet and laughs as they wince in pain.
5. Insists on walking in front, yet, stops and squats down like 50 times causing you to almost trip.
6. Plays in doorways.
7. Beats windows with his fists.
8. Jumps on the couch with his shoes on.
9. Tries to grab his own feces and fling it.
10. Demands to be held whenever the baby is nursing, to the point of Complete Meltdown.
11. When he hears the baby crying, demands to be held and has Complete Meltdown if the baby is tended to first, however wants nothing to do with parents if baby is not crying.
12. Throws objects, sometimes heavy ones, at people's heads.
13. Lays on the floor in public places and screams his brains out if his demands for toys/balls/cars/Goldfish are not immediately met.
14. Kicks the back of the driver's seat when in the car.
15. Takes other people's water and refuses to return it.
16. Regularly back washes into other people's beverages.
17. Intentionally dumps water/food/etc. onto the floor and proclaims, "Making mess. Fun! Fun!"
18. Throws his food on the floor or in people's faces if he does not want it or is finished eating it.
19. Kicks the underside of the dining table during dinner.
20. When moved away from the dinner table so he can't kick it, he places his feet ON the dinner table.
21. Has Complete Meltdown when he is unable to open a container or lid.
22. Has Complete Meltdown whenever things do not go 100% his way.
23. Has Complete Meltdown when tired, but stalwartly refuses to sleep.
24. Demands repeated viewings of the same two movies multiple times a day.
25. Repeatedly pulls cat's tail and slaps dogs in the face.

Seriously, folks. Really imagine for a minute that a grown adult tried to pull any of the above shenanigans. It would not fly.

Not that I spite him any of these shenanigans. If I'm being completely honest, I'm actually a little jealous. He gets to wear his emotions on his sleeve, to act on his every impulse no matter how reckless or dangerous, and he gets away with it because he's two.

I love Oscar, I really, really do. Like, with all of my guts. He has many redeeming qualities, as all toddlers do. He's quick with a smile, he's funny, he gives great hugs and kisses, he's full of adventure, he loves me unconditionally, he's so much fun, he's brilliant, he's charming, he's devastatingly handsome.

But still. Asshole.


Peggy said...

Laughed my way through the whole list! And the ending, oh was perfection!

Can't wait to see the teenager equivalent of this list!!!!!

Momma Bear said...

YES! I know!

blissfully caffeinated said...

No huffiness here. Total agreement. The prime age for preschool assholery is 3. Then it tapers off a bit until the bitchy fives. That's my experience.

You're cracking me up, sista.

Kelly said...

This is hilarious. And so, so true. Thanks for having the balls to say what we're all thinking. ;)

Cameron said...

Hahaha...SO right there with ya. Our hits, pulls hair, screams, throws anything he can get his hands on, and the list goes on and on.

Keely said...

lol! Recognized my way through the whole list. It takes a lot for me to NOT call my kid an asshole, out loud, some days.

Plus, he's got evil aim. Yesterday hubby was like, " have a huge bruise on your temple". Yeah...that would be from the full pop can your kid heaved at my head?

EllenMarie said...

Sounds exactly right on. We should introduce Dex and Oscar and then they could abuse the hell out of each other.

Mrsbear said...

I had to read this one out loud to my husband. We totally relate, Oscar is an asshole just like our two year old is a complete asshole. A lovable asshole, but an asshole nonetheless. Wow, I just used the word asshole quite a lot in this comment. My son just today chucked a heavy plastic truck at my head for no apparent reason, smiling the entire time. Really, there's just no other word for it.

Veronica Foale said...

Yeah, toddlers are arseholes. I'm ready to string Amy up by her ankles over here.

Anonymous said...

yet again, more reasons I hope my 5 mo. old bundle doesn't grow up.

Captain Dumbass said...

They're still assholes at four.

Susanica said...

Ha Ha! Since Danny is with Oscar most days it's sort of "chicken and egg" for me. I don't know who starts half this stuff (I think they take turns) but they are both full on little bundles of mayhem.

One bright side I see is that Danny is getting less and less teary when he falls or gets pushed. Looks like he's toughening up. Thanks Oscar! -M

Heather said...

Yep...and I've raised TWO assholes!!! Aren't boys fun???

Heather said...

Hysterical! And, probably the only brave parent out there willing to put that down in writing, no matter how true it is. I think kids were made to be cute and adorable so we wouldn't want to give them away after they completely destroyed the house (daily) or embarrassed their parents (daily). I agree with you on being a bit jealous that kids are able to put all their emotions out there, many times I've wanted to have my own temper tantrum on a really bad day.

Casey said...

I couldn't have said it better myself. Mine has stepped his assholishness up a notch lately and I'm over it. Ugh.

jen @ negative lane said...

Yes, they are assholes. I'll never forget the first time I told a not-yet-mommy friend of mine that my then-two-year-old was being an ass. She was shocked (she also laughed). I told her that some day she'd see...

Kat said...

Didn't you know that God makes them cute at that age for a we don't kill them for being assholes.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

bwhahahaha!! i am so far behind on reading my favorite blogs!! this was hilarious! and i actually think we may have given birth to the same two year old!! : )

Mikki said...

you COMPLETELY nailed this. I think Bailey's an asshole too. Although, a cute one...still an asshole. Mostly I think of her as a bitch...but same concept.

Rachel said...

I always felt guilty for thinking my Ben was being an asshole on those bad days.. Thank you for the reassurance that I am not a bad mom and I am not alone!