Friday, August 28, 2009

Dear So and So...Volume 2

Dear Oscar,

Please get out of my ass. I love you too, but really? You don't have to walk so goddamn close to me. I swear to god I'm going to get your fruity-veggies even if you aren't walking so close to me as to step on my ankles. I used to hope for a few seconds to myself when I left the room but now, just to be able to turn around without bumping into you would be awesome. I just want a little room to breathe.

Desperate for space,



Dear Nebo,

Stop trying to kill me. I'm not sure why you feel the need to wait for me to descend the stairs before you bound after me, attempt to pass me, and nearly knock me down the stairs. I always encourage you to go first, but you decline. It was bad enough before we had children, back when you were only trying to kill me, but now I have to carry BOTH (yes, both) kids down the stairs. My falling could while holding the bosses could be quite tragic. I'm beginning to think that tripping me up on the stairs is some kind of doggie-type assassination plot. You're not really that smart though so it's more likely that you are just a jerk. What ever it is, it is pissing me off so stop it. Jerk.

Your pack leader,



Dear laundry,

Please do yourself.




For more Dear So and So check out Kat at the Bungalow.

Dear So and So...

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

RTT: It's all About the Kids

*Every single time I'm out with the boys and carrying Miles in the Ergo, someone asks me about it. Every single time. Yes, it is comfortable. Yes, I love it. Yes, you should buy one for your pregnant friend.

*Oscar is at the grandparents for a sleepover. It couldn't have come at a better time, particularly as he has recently become deaf to my voice and I think I may have a concussion from banging my head against the wall.

*Nelson and I have taken to calling Oscar and Miles, Big and Little. As in, "Who do you want to get out of the car, Big or Little?" It's pretty cute, although I don't think Miles is going to qualify as Little much longer. He already weighs more now then Oscar did at one year.

*Hello, Swine Flu. You're back and trying to kill my children. I hate the news. Oink.

*Miles has FINALLY cut his first tooth, and man was it a hard-won tooth. He woke up like six times on Sunday night trying to work that sucker out, but it's here! He has a sharp little egg-tooth. I love it.

*Miles? Loves spinach. Really. Wolfs it down. I watch him scarfing his spinach and I feel like I don't even know him. If Oscar so much as sees a little bit of green on his plate he reacts as though we are making an attempt on his life. That's my kid.

*We are going to the beach next week, the beach, suckers! I may post, I may not. Likely just cute baby-at-the-beach photos - eating sand, wearing silly hats, being afraid of the surf, beating each other in the head with trucks. You'll love it.

*Nelson was really sick last night - running a 103 degree fever and everything, my poor hubby. I guessed it was just a virus like the one Oscar had this past weekend that kept him up all night Saturday (103.5, poor baby.) Nelson guessed it was Swine Flu or Lyme's Disease. Guess who was right. (Hint: He is well on the mend today.)

Thanks to Keely for being such a gracious host. Go by, get a button, join the fun.


Monday, August 24, 2009

Yelling at Strangers

We were at the mall this past weekend doing a little shopping. I had Miles in the Ergo and Oscar was riding in the stroller being a very good boy.

We stopped in the middle of the mall where there is a seating area that's also designed to be a sort of play area for kids. We let Oscar out to run around for a bit and burn off some energy before we went back to the car.

Oscar was running around and he started shrieking. Not prolonged, sustained shrieking, just shrieking "Mom!" and running to me every once in a while. Now, I realize that shrieking as a behavior is unpleasant, but with Oscar we just let him do it and he stops after a minute or two. If we call attention to the problem, he just start shrieking more. Also, we were in a children's play area in a mall, so I think loudness is par for the course.

So, Oscar running and shrieking. All of a sudden, I hear, "SSHHH!" Oscar and I both stop and look and it's this random guy sitting in the child play area. He says to Oscar again, "SSHHH!" His intonation was very nasty.

I turned to face the shusher and said, "No. You do not tell my child to shush. It is not your place to discipline my child."

He responded, "Well, he's being loud."

"He's two, and he's playing."

"It's annoying."

"I don't care if it is annoying. You do not talk to my child. If you are annoyed, you can leave."

(I'd just like to remind you again that this is in a CHILD PLAY AREA.)

"I can say what I want."

"Not to my kid you can't."

At this point Nelson (ever clueless, see sidebar) caught on to the exchange and said, "Okay, now sir, this is getting a little silly. This is a mall, okay? It's not a quiet place."

And then the guy sort of muttered something and shut up and Oscar had stopped shrieking anyways because, like I said, he only does it for a minute or two and when we ignore it he stops.

Granted, shrieking is annoying. But, we were in a play area and if the guy didn't want to hear kids, he shouldn't have been hanging out by the play area. And isn't that weird anyway? A lone guy hanging out by the play area?*

I want to be clear, I do not feel like this was an instance of community parenting. The guy obviously had no children, and also Nelson and I were RIGHT THERE monitoring Oscar's behavior and his behavior was not out of line or uncharacteristic for a child of his age or inappropriate to the situation. Now, had Oscar, say pushed his child or something and Nelson or I had not responded I think he'd have been in his right to say, "Okay, no pushing please," or something like that. But this not what happened. He just though my kid was being to loud in the play area and took it upon himself to shush him in a very nasty way.

I feel like if that guy had a problem he should have said something to me, or to Nelson. He should not have been addressing my toddler. He does not know us or Oscar so I feel like he was being inappropriate. I also think it's unrealistic to expect children to be quiet when playing in an area designed for play in a place that is already quite loud.

I recognize I'm being a little momma bear here, but what do you think? Did I overreact? Would you have just ignored the guy or would you have confronted him?

*Nelson thinks there was something wrong with the guy, like he was mentally disabled or something. I disagree. I think his only disability was being an asshole.

Thursday, August 20, 2009


Scene: Jenni and Oscar sitting on the living room floor making sculptures with Play-Doh.

Jenni: Oscar, do you see what I've made?

Oscar: Yeah. Das a fish, Momma. Momma made Nemo fish!

Jenni: That's right. What else should I make?

Oscar: A boat!

Jenni: Okay, you make something too.

Oscar: Okay, Momma!

Several minutes pass.

Jenni: Okay, Oscar. Look, look at what I made!

Oscar: A boat, Momma, a boat! Momma made a boat! Das a boat! Hee hee hee!

Jenni: That's right! What are you making Oscar?

Oscar: I making trouble, Momma. I making trouble.

Jenni: You are?!

Oscar: Yeah!

Jenni: Well, alright!

Oscar: Alright!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

And Then There's Miles

Miles. Ohmygod Miles. Look at him:

I know, right? RIGHT? He's so freaking cute. Look, look at this one:

Are you still there? Because if you've died from the cuteness that is Miles William, while I apologize to your children and spouses, I am not at all surprised.

This kid is glorious. Glorious! He is like some kind of angel baby. Seriously, look here, you can practically see his halo:

And if those pictures killed you dead, you should try actually being in his presence. He is so awesome. Like a big old tub of awesomeness with awesome oozing over the edges and covering the whole floor with awesome.

If you just make eye contact with him, he's smiling his face off. If you smile at him, he'll start giggling. Pretend to maybe think about tickling him, like just wiggle your fingers over his fat belly and he burst into the most robust, full-bellied baby laugh you can even imagine. Like it's filled with rainbows and pots of gold and unicorns and stuff. Really. If you actually make tickle contact? It's completely outrageous. The laughter from this kid, it's addictive.

He glows. I swear to god he does.

My time alone with him is so special, so amazing. I call it basking in the Miles William sun. He just radiates this happiness and light that is absolutely invigorating.

He has a super fast, super sweet army crawl. He DIGS those knees in, solider and goes goes goes! He follows Oscar. He launches himself onto his older brother and smothers him with wet baby kisses and the both just laugh and laugh. Sometimes they roar at each other and then burst into wild giggles, "Miles dinosaur! Oscar dinosaur!" In these moments I know Miles is the best gift I will ever give to my oldest son.

Eight months old. My baby Miles is eight months old. I have no idea how it happened, how he's grown so fast, how he's become such an amazing human being. I am so incredibly grateful for this joyous little boy.

Monday, August 17, 2009

My Wits Ended About a Mile and a Half Ago

Oh my god Oscar. I think he's trying to drive me insane. He is so TWO! right now that I don't even know what to do with myself, let alone what to do with him.

He's into everything. It's constant from the second we get up to the second he goes to bed. I take him out of the crib and he hits the toilet; then he pulls out all his diapers; chucks his toys down the stairs; starts pitching things into Mile's crib at his head.

We're downstairs; he goes from the dog water to pulling things off the counter to climbing on the top of the table to dumping out all the salt to falling off the table to knocking over Miles to jumping on the couch to falling off the couch to grabbing the phone and throwing it to turning on the TV to turning off the TV to pounding on the windows to chasing the dogs to pulling every single book off the bookshelf to taking toys from Miles to randomly flinging toys around the room with alarming strength to AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I feel like all I do all day is follow him around and stop him from wreaking havoc, except that the constant state of havoc assures me I'm doing a pretty shitty job.

You know what he did the other day? He took his Tonka bulldozer and just whacked Miles right in the face with it. Just slammed him with it. Completely out of nowhere. And yesterday, Oscar came flying into the living room and just pushed Miles down and his head slammed onto the floor. There's also the time when Miles was sitting on the floor playing joyfully and Oscar came in pushing his giant dump truck at FULL SPEED and intentionally crashed into Miles. Do I have to illustrate how that ended?

And when he's not smashing him in the face or blatantly knocking him over, he's taking any toy Miles touches and just flinging it across the room. FLINGS it, as in if you are in the way of a flung object you are probably going to suffer multiple contusions, a broken bone or two, and maybe even a concussion.

He's just so DRAMATIC. The flinging is just one example. If he wants something he wants it five minutes ago and how come I didn't foresee his desire for a fruit bar (a fruit leather)? I should have KNOWN, and OHMYGODFRUITBARFRUITBARFRUITBAR!!!!!

Or, in the morning when I'm getting him a drink he wants WATER! and JUICE! and CHOCOLATE MILK! and I have to help him carry all three beverages into the living room because he needs all three. And if he doesn't get all three in about 35 seconds, or if give him the "wrong one" first? It's like a goddamn nuclear explosion in my kitchen. If it's in the wrong cup? Well, that pretty much ruins the whole day.

And, what? No cookies or fruities for breakfast? You may think this is good parenting but according to Oscar it's actually a very sophisticated and devious form of torture. CHOCOLATECOOKIESCHOCOLATECOOKIESCHOCOLATECOOKIES!

But, you know, of course he won't actually eat like an actual meal or anything. NO LUNCH! NO DIN DIN! NOOOOO! Most days he lives on pretzels, fruit leather, water, and air. Totally balanced. I can't figure out how he can eat so little and still have so much energy.

I just can't seem to rein him in. I try gentle discipline, "Oscar, we don't hit Miles. We don't hit anyone. Hitting hurts." He laughs. I try time outs. He alternately laughs and freaks the crap out. I demand he apologize; he refuses. I ask him if he will hit Miles again and he declares emphatically, "Yes!" Yesterday, he BIT Nelson on the arm and Oscar has never been a biter.

We have some good moments; the other day in Target when Oscar was supposed to be holding Nelson's hand and walking, but instead decided to lie down in the middle of the aisle and scream. I was able to pick him up, talk to him, and get him to walk nicely with me for the remainder of our shopping trip. I was calm and he was responsive and it was great. But this situation is the exception and not the rule.

I'm pretty good about not letting him see my frustration. I distract him from negative behaviors and reward him for good behaviors. It just that this does not seem to be working. He does not listen. Seriously, if he hadn't had a hearing test as an infant I'd doubt he could hear at all. I mean, how many times do I have to tell him he can't stand on the table? Five hundred times is not enough?

Do you want to hear about bed time? That's a whole post in itself. He goes freaking bonkers, BONKERS I tell you. I don't even know who that kid is. It's like he has springs in his shoes. Napping is hit or miss these days. I just cross my fingers and hope for the best.

I suppose this is why it's called TWO! and not just eh, two. This is also why I'm going CRAZY! and not just eh, crazy.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Holy Crap, Guys!

Can you even believe that I'm guest posting over at the Un Mom today? Little old me? She is one of my absolute favorite bloggers and I'm super duper honored. So honored, in fact, that I wrote a post all about how ridiculously I behaved in college. There is a notable lack of pants and an excess of alcohol. It's pretty embarrassing. You don't want to miss it. Or maybe I should ask that you skip it entirely?

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

RTT: The Staycation Edition

Keely's on vacation, but Random Tuesday's are not. Go over to Keely's, say "Hi" to Casey, grab a button and get your random on.

*Nelson and I are both off this entire week. We originally thought we'd go out to CA to visit some friends but when that didn't pan out we decided to just make this a staycation. We'd planned some camping, some home repairs, some home organization. So far, the 100 degree heat has kept us from camping; we've done some organizing and some repairs but, again, 100 degree heat and no central air make this difficult. We've been doing no sleeping in and a lot of playing with cars and monkeys. Basically it's just like my every day, minus one toddler and plus one adult. It's supposed to less suffocating in a couple of days so we should get some camping in then.

*Oscar has gone from being completely terrified of robots to psychotically loving robots. Wall-E is on a constant loop.

*Oscar has also gone from short, immature toddler sentences like, "Find it Monkey?" and "Where go?" to saying things like, "Where did it go?" and "Help me find the Monkey, Momma." This happened overnight. Really, overnight. Like yesterday was baby sentences and today is real person sentences. Whoa.

*Last night Oscar made a big show of putting on underwear (over his diaper) and pooping in his potty (with his diaper still on) so we did a little underwear/naked time today and it was a complete failure. He just peed and pooped all over the floor/himself. Seriously, the kid pooped more times today in underwear then he normally poops in a week. Also, he's requesting diapers. So, we put diapers back on him. Whatever.

*Poison Control send us more stickers. Go figure.

*Miles is moving so fast now. No way am I ready for two mobile children.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

The Dog Ate My Face: A Re-telling of a Story About My Mom

One of my favorite all-time posts, in conjunction with the Spin Cycle, hosted by one of my all-time favorite bloggers, Sprite's Keeper. I'm also sending a shout out to my mom, who lost someone she actually did love, just last night. Love you, mom. Hope this makes you smile.

A few years ago, my mom was dating this guy. We'll call him Larry. Because that was his name.

My mom met Larry through an online dating service. Larry was maybe 5'6" and weighed about 400 pounds and dressed exclusively in khaki pants and Hawaiian-style shirts. I know these facts because : a) I saw photos; b) My brother was living with my mom at the time and reported these facts; and c) My mom also told me these same facts.

Right now you might be thinking, "Wait a minute! You said your mom does not like fat people!" And a person weighing in at 400 pounds is most certainly overweight, no matter their height. I still swear this is true, and I think his weight really bothered my mom. The reason I think this is because literally every single time she talked about Larry, she mentioned his weight and the fact that it did not bother her. But if if really did not bother her, she wouldn't bring it up constantly right?

What's the catch? Well, Larry was waiting to undergo gastric bypass surgery. He had to wait because he was so large, he actually needed to loose weight prior to the surgery so that it could safely be performed. So, he was on his way to thinness and better health.

Also, Larry was what my brother and I call Rich People. Larry owns several lucrative businesses throughout the state where lives. And, everyone knows when you are Rich People, no one seems to mind as much if you are overweight, unattractive, or even an asshole. You don't have to be good looking if you are rich.

And, on top of all of that, Larry was really, really nice and really, really funny, according to my mom and brother. To this day, my brother insists he's the nicest guy my mom ever dated that he met. He really enjoyed taking my mom out to really nice dinners and buying nice bottles of wine and opening car doors for her and stuff like that. He was good to her.

But, there was a problem. Larry, who was about 20 years my mom's junior, was looking for something a little more serious than my mom. See, she and my dad had only been split for a year or two and she wasn't looking for anything long term. She's just gotten out of a 27 year relationship, for lawds sake. She'd only been dating for maybe a year.

One weekend, Larry went on a golfing retreat at the beach with his buddies. Being Rich People, Larry also owned a house at the beach. He had a Harley he'd drive down there like once a month and he and his pals would get drunk and play golf and ride motorcycles.

Generally, he and my mom wouldn't talk during these weekends, but he'd call on Sunday as soon as he returned. My mom is pretty low key and low maintenance and she didn't want to bother him on his guys weekends, so this arrangement worked for her.

Sunday turned into Monday turned into Tuesday turned into Wednesday. So my mom called him and left a message, just checking in to see how his weekend was and to make sure everything was okay.

THE FOLLOWING MONDAY he called her back. He told her he'd be bitten in the face by a dog and was horribly disfigured and could not bear to ever see her again as he was now so ugly. She told him she didn't care and wanted to make sure he was okay, etc. but he was insistent. He was too ugly to be seen.

My mom called and told this story to me and my brother, who was visiting at the time. We burst out laughing. Seriously? I'm so ugly I don't want you to see me ever again?

"So, he dumped you?" my brother asked.

"No, he was disfigured," my mom said.

"Mom, he dumped you," I said. "No one gets horribly disfigured by a dog and refuses to see people ever again. It's a line."

"NO! You think so?" she asked. "Maybe I should go check."

Oh, my mom, I love her, but she is clueless.

After convincing her she would be a crazy stalker if she did this, she finally admitted he had probably dumped her. He had been trying to get serious and she just wasn't ready.

She sighed.

"Oh, well. It's not liked I loved him or anything," she said.

IT'S NOT LIKED I LOVED HIM OR ANYTHING. They dated for four months and this was her entire process of mourning the relationship. It's not like I loved him or anything.

And then, Larry was gone, never seen or heard from again, although we did get confirmation from a third party that there was no dog bite, he just didn't know how to break things off. I think she was dating within the week. She was sooo over him. I mean, it's not like she loved him or anything.

Although now, several years later, when my mom calls one of us and is all like, "I haven't heard from you in so long..." we always respond, "Sorry, a dog ate my face and I haven't been able to call."

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

RTT: The Boy That Hurts Edition

Hey! Ho! Let's go! It's Random Tuesday, so go over to Keely's, grab a button, and link up!


*Miles has been waking up at 6:30AM for the past several days. It really, really sucks.

*Oscar has been crying, no SCREECHING himself to sleep for the past week. We are working through it but, again, it really, really sucks.

*Oscar has moved on from calling trucks, "trucks" to specifically naming the TYPE of truck, as in "Das a dump truck!" "Das a fire truck" "Das a loader!" "Das a dozer!" "Das a backhoe!" "Das a roller!" "Das a mixer!" I've learned so much about construction equipment in the past two weeks. Oscar can recognize the difference between a loader and a bulldozer, something I was unable to do until a week ago. We were looking at a book and I said, "That's a bulldozer," (in my defense, it was labeled as such in the book) and Oscar replied, "No, Momma, das a loader." AND HE WAS RIGHT. The book had mislabeled a loader as a bulldozer. He's already pointing out my mistakes and he's only two. The teen years are going to rule.

*Nelson gets the parenting FAIL award this week - he let Miles roll OFF THE CHANGING TABLE. Yes. Yes he did. He wasn't paying attention for a split second and THUNK! Miles fell four feet to the floor. MybabymybabyohmygodmybabyhowcouldyouletthishappenGAHHHHHH! Luckily, Miles did not sustain any serious injuries. And neither did Nelson, but only because he was fast enough to duck.

*Also, if you see Oscar, you may notice that he has no less than two band aids on his person at any given time. Not to worry; Oscar has not sustained any injuries. He just likes wearing band aids. I think it is some kind of toddler fashion statement. Or, maybe it's meant to scare off other toddlers, as in, "Look here, buddy. I got all these injuries, see? Cause I'm tough. So don't mess with my trucks because I'm not afraid to get a boo-boo or two defending what's mine!" Ya think?

Sunday, August 2, 2009

The Road is Long

Wow has it been a long time since I've done a HASAY update! Which is kind of sad considering how well my weight loss has been going. I mean, I lost two pants-sizes; bought new pants; and now my new pants are falling off of me. Even my wedding rings are loose.

I've lost just over 33 lbs. to date.

THIRTY-THREE POUNDS. That is a lot of weight. That's 132 sticks of butter. Could you imagine carrying around 132 sticks of butter with you everywhere you went? That's what I was doing; lugging around 33 extra pounds of fat every single day of my life.

And, you know what? I'm pretty impressed with myself. That's a load of lard to lose in five months. Way to go me.

But, here's the rub. I still have about 55 pounds to lose. And while I know I should be totally psyched about how much I've lost, and I AM totally psyched, I can't help but dwell on the fact that I'm not even halfway there yet.

I have a long way to go. And when people tell me I look great, that's how I respond, "Well, I still have a long way to go." I'm not even allowing myself to really celebrate how good I'm doing.

And, I'm starting to lose motivation. I mean, I look so much better now, I've lost a ton of weight, why not sit down with a pizza and a pint of Ben and Jerry's and just throw in the towel?

So, that's where I'm leaving my update. I've lost a lot and I am proud of that, but I still have a long, long way to go and I feel like I'm never going to get there.

I sit here, 33 lbs. skinnier but still struggling.