Monday, January 25, 2010

No, Officer, There's No Emergency. This is Just My Life.

I don't know about you, but bed and bath time round these parts is a circus. There's yelling, and screaming, and laughing, and splashing, and running, and peeing on the floor, and ninja-like antics to avoid dressing, and probably some elephants too and I just don't notice because OHMYGOD it's INSANE.

The basic itinerary of events goes something like this:

6:15PM to 6: 35PM - Dinner
6:35PM to 6:50PM - Play Time
6:50PM to 7:00PM - General Mayhem, Insanity (also know as undressing/de-diapering two small children; may or may not include screaming, crying, slamming doors, and fleeing parents)
7:00PM to 7:10PM - Bath (a.k.a Tsunami Time)
7:10PM to 7:25PM - PJs/Tooth Brushing/Pee Everywhere/More Mayhem
7:25PM to ??? - Nursing/Story Time/Snuggling/Bed Time

All of this is subject to change and give or take 10 or 15 minutes, but this is pretty much how things go. During this hour and a half or so of my life, I pretty much feel like I'm surrounded by maniacs and taking crazy pills. It's good times.

One evening several months ago, things were going pretty much as I've listed above. It was post dinner and the boys were playing with Nelson and I in the living room. Oscar and Nelson were playing trucks; Miles was fooling with the phone.

I went upstairs to use the bathroom unmolested and to run the tub. I called for Nelson to bring the boys up shortly later.

Hello, General Mayhem, Insanity.

So, I am chasing Oscar and trying to get him undressed; Oscar is running from me and flipping out - screaming bloody murder, "NONONONONO BATH! AAAAHHHHH!" And I'm in turn yelling, "Yes bath! Come on! Lets go!" Nelson is trying to undress Miles who's crying very loudly and dramatically and the injustice of having his onsie removed against his will.

In this very moment, the dogs start going ape shit. So I yell down the stairs, "DOGS! There better be someone with a machete on our doorstep!" Well, there wasn't someone with a machete (surprise!), but there was someone with a gun (double surprise!).

"Nelson! There's a cop at our door!"

"What?! A cop!"

"Yeah! Are we that loud? Did someone call the cops on us?!"

"I don't know; I'll go down."

Nelson goes downstairs to talk with the officer while I continue to wrestle with our screaming and unwieldy kids.

He returns five minutes later.

"What was that all about?"

"Someone dial 9-1-1 from the house, but no one said anything into the phone."


"Yeah, and when they tried to call back, there was no answer; just a busy signal. I just checked the phone and it was still on."

"Holy crap!"

"Yeah, so they thought there might be a domestic disturbance so they sent the cop over to check it out."

"Oh my god are you serious?"

"I told him that the kids had probably called 9-1-1 by accident and then he verified my name and left."

"Didn't he hear the insanity up here? Wasn't he concerned?"

"Yeah, but I told him it was bath time and he was like, 'Oh, okay,' and that was that."

And that was that.


Supermomof3 said...

HA HA HA HA!!! I love it!

VandyJ said...

Bruiser likes to play with the phone too. I always joke he's going to call Timbuktu but maybe I should worry that he is going to call something a bit more local. Bath time mayhem happens at our house too, only I have more trouble getting them out of the tub than into it.

blissfully caffeinated said...

Oh my god, that's classic! I dread bath time every day. It's exhausting and horrible.

Strawberry said...

LOL Oh boy.

Mrsbear said...

Oh yeah. Cause bath time transcends all barriers and is a universal crazy place.

My kids have called 911 more than once, never had the cops made a stop luckily since I usually answer the call back. Always awkward.

Anonymous said...

ROFL! I can totally see one of the kids accidentally calling 911. However, once my former BIL, who was maybe 16 at the time? Made SEVERAL HUNDRED DOLLARS worth of calls to a 900 number (basically, a phone sex line - this was in 1984 or there abouts, so before the internet).

When confronted about it, he tried to blame it on Oldest Son, who was all of 15 months old (we lived across the street at the time), saying he'd dialed the number by "accident" - several times, according to the phone bill.

Jan from the Sushi Bar

Sprite's Keeper said...

Our one cordless phone has been missing for months now. Any search efforts have been passive since Sprite's repeated attempts to dial Japan have made us twitchy. I do have a funny feeling it may be in the back of John's bedside table drawer since I thought I hear ringing from it back around Thanksgiving..

Keely said...

Hahhahhaha! I wonder how many of those calls they get a day??

Veronica Foale said...

Sounds like he may have children of his own!

Kate said...

How is this the first time I'm hearing this story?

Captain Dumbass said...

The absolute craziest time of day is between 7pm and 8pm. Suddenly I'm thinking I could write an episode of 24. Gotta go.

Becky said...

Your post title made me crack up before I even clicked over here! I love that the guy was like, "I get the picture." And how coordinated of Miles!

Barbara said...

Brilliant. Miles is a genius.

Casey said...

I'm always amazed that my neighbors don't call 911 after the sounds they hear coming from our house. Too funnhy.